THE BLOG
04/30/2014 05:11 pm ET | Updated Jun 30, 2014

Government to Use 'Minority Report' Precogs to Stop Future Racism Before it Happens

In the wake of the NBA's actions against LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, the government will be using Minority Report-style precogs to preemptively stop anyone in the future from saying, or even thinking, anything racist.

"The only way to stop racism is by determining which people in society might be capable of having racist thoughts before they have them," said Time Paradox Czar Hans Molerr. "And if you think the precog solution has its problems, then you are probably racist."

The precogs will be able to determine which people have racist tendencies with the help of even broader NSA-sponsored surveillance techniques of United States citizens.

"We're already tapping every phone, computer, home, and yurt there is, so I don't see why this is such a big deal," said Orwellian Nightmare spokesperson Tamara Hasseltool. "Now, people will not only be aware that someone somewhere is listening to their most private, uncensored conversations, but that someone somewhere is listening to future conversations they haven't had or may not ever have."

The precog solution has already resulted in a number of arrests, starting with 2-year-old Timmy Lellander of Omaha, Nebraska. "According to precog 13356, Timmy is going to say 'I hate the blacks' when he turns 26," says Molerr. "Of course, the audio surveillance tape we have is a little garbled and Timmy might be referring to the Jean Genet play The Blacks. But, you know --close enough."