THE BLOG
01/30/2013 01:41 pm ET Updated Apr 01, 2013

New Mental Health Law: Future Sociopaths Required to Predict When They Will Kill People

In a unanimous vote, Congress has passed The Criminal Clarity Act (CCA), a law requiring all U.S. citizens who plan on becoming mass murderers to identify themselves as such and to predict when they will kill people. Said Representative Blain Fitzparsons, "This makes absolutely clear which people will be responsible for future random and senseless acts of deadly violence."

CCA enables the government to send out detailed questionnaires to all Americans who suspect they are or may become violence-prone loners, schizophrenics, and outcasts. Such Americans will be asked to provide detailed information about their anti-social proclivities; which government/cultural figures have negatively influenced them; specific language, movies, TV shows, books, comic strips, video games, coupons, grocery lists, and/or intergalactic messages that have incited or may eventually incite them.

In addition, current and potential sociopaths will be asked to submit detailed personal essays and timelines tracing key events in their upbringings which have shaped and probably will shape all of their future actions. "Most importantly, these people must be very specific about when they plan to snap and do harm to others," says Representative Laurel Heinlich. "Having that information will really help out a bunch in terms of our ability to stop them from the things they may or may not plan on doing."

The law is expected to swiftly pass the Senate, although some speculate that CCA itself could cause mentally unbalanced people to go over the edge. "No problem," says Senator Jonathan Covingbird. "If that happens, we will simply pass another law."

Subscribe to the Entertainment email.
Home to your favorite fan theories and the best movie recs.