07/15/2010 04:12 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Harry & David's "Mel Gibson Audio Tape-of-the-Day Club"

Tired of edited, poorly transferred duplications of Mel Gibson's recorded phone rants? Then, join the original Harry & David's Mel Gibson Audio Tape-of-the-Day Club! You, your family, friends and business associates will receive top-quality, full-length, digitally remastered audios of Academy Award-winner Mel Gibson going off on a variety of subjects that are guaranteed to be delicious! We have selected only the finest quality audios from thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of secret recordings made by Mel Gibson at his ripest; the audios are then rushed fresh from his phone to your ears!

Try our special introductory Three-Day Club! (Item No. 1220B...$19.95)

Day #1:

Hello, Bitch? Are You There? It's Me, Mel (Item No. 1223B...$9.95)

The original audio--with Mel admitting to hitting ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, repeatedly dropping the "f" and "c" bombs, and defending his position on slavery--is still our most popular item. Its sublime, rich language is unmatched by any other Mel audio tape and is the surest way to convey the joys of any season. Estimated time, 52 minutes.

Day #2

Ding, Ding, Ding Went the Mel (Item No. 1224B...$9.95)

This luscious tape was recorded at Mel's robust peak, with revelations about his dwindling finances that are so juicy you could eat them with a spoon. Also, a fiery Mel threatens to burn down Oksana's house with a flavorful rant that is truly unique and not to be found in any other Mel Gibson audio tape! Estimated time, 58 minutes.

Day #3

Don't Ask, Don't Mel (Item No. 1334B...$9.95)

Mel threatens to sodomize people with bad penmanship and those who mistake "your" for "you're," then has some succulent, full-bodied fun with Mexicans, Hindus, Druids, and Scottish Fold kitties. A must for any Mel lover! Estimated time, 56 minutes.

And don't miss these upcoming tapes:

Day #4: Mel mispronounces "Hanukkah" **

Day #5: Mel makes bootleg copies of Inception

Day #6: Mel sings the best of The Left Banke

Day #7: Mel googles himself, yells at computer

Day #8: Mel gets drunk, vomits while doing DVD commentary for Bird on a Wire

Day #9: Mel can't work his iPhone, threatens Steve Jobs

Day #10: Mel jerks off to the Lindsay Lohan Machete poster **

Day #11: Mel insulates his basement wall

Day #12: Mel crank calls Chinese restaurants

Harry & David's Mel Gibson Audio Tape-of-the-Day Club is the perfect way to give the gift of Mel, day after day, week after week. Order now!

** note: this item is shipped as soon as it is harvested