It was revealed this morning that Hillary Clinton exclusively used carrier pigeons as a means of conducting official business during her time as United States Secretary of State. "The former Secretary's communications were so important that she simply could not entrust them to government emails that could be hacked or compromised," said Clinton spokesperson/coronation coordinator Tricia Wallacebang. "Carrier pigeons have served honorably in World Wars I and II and, besides, those little messages on their backs--I mean, how can you get angry at that?"
A different reaction came from Mr. Piddles, a seven-year-old Racing Homer pigeon, who briefly worked for Clinton in 2010 and claims the Secretary of State used him to secure donations from the Algerian government to the Clinton Foundation. "Yeah, she's travelled millions of miles," said Mr. Piddles. "That's a good one. Try doing it with $500,000 tied to your foot." Clinton was repeatedly asked to comment, but her office had yet to install its new system of tin cans and string.