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Spencer Green

Spencer Green

Posted: July 30, 2010 05:23 PM

In a statement which has caused seismic fanboy shock waves, Hollywood announced that it has officially run out of superheroes to adapt into motion pictures. "This sucks so hard," writes Arthur Trousdart on his blog AdequateSustenanceForDr.WhoMarathon.org. "It's the end of an era. Epic fail. :( " According to marketing research firm Pavlov's Drooling Dogs, the supply of superhero-based films simply could not keep up with demand, as movie studios raided the entire catalogues of famous comic book- and graphic novel-publishing institutions like DC, Marvel, Image, Fantagraphics, and Dark Horse. The studios then went onto deplete much lesser-known comic book publishers with titles like The Runny Nose, Rhenium Lad, and Al Allsdale: Drywall Contractor.

"Many of us feared this would happen but didn't want to admit it," said superhero expert Jed "Dyson Sphere" Fillgurch, while eating peanut butter out of a jar. And as regular sources were being exhausted, new ones had to be found, resulting in adaptations of stalwart newspaper comic strips like The Bad-Ass Adventures of Hi and Lois and Rex Morgan: The Dark Obstetrician, which were not greeted with much enthusiasm. Jeremy Mathensteen, creator of ILoveMoviesThiiisMuch.com, notes that Sam Mendes' version of For Better or For Worse was a particularly egregious example of how not to translate a comic strip to the screen. "As a result," says Mathensteen, "I only saw it ten times." Alas, the well ran dry for these comic characters as well, the last being David Gordon Green's updating of The Yellow Kid to the alternative media age.

Having adapted every old TV show, board game, video game, children's toy, action figure, children's book, and Philip K. Dick grocery list, studios are now turning to classic chewing gums as the next wave of movies. "Gum is the obvious choice," says Susan Hillhaven, CEO of Monolith Pictures, a division of General Electric's Weapons-Grade Plutonium and Floor Wax, Inc. "It's a timeless and instantly identifiable commodity, kids and adults love it, and we think audiences will want to see the exciting stories that are being made from their favorite brands." Regarding the possibility of upsetting hardcore gum fans, Hillhaven says, "We intend to treat the gum with all the respect and integrity it deserves."

Some upcoming projects include:

Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Murder - Oscar-winning director Ang Lee puts a noir spin on the Wrigley classic, with this tale of the troubled Doublemint sisters Jayne and Joan (Zooey and Emily Deschanel) and their psychotic gangland boss father (Ben Kingsley). Says Lee, "To me, it's not a gum movie but a movie about gum."

Freshen-up: The Movie That Goes Squirt - This long-stuck-on-the-bedpost project--first considered by Stanley Kubrick, who was intrigued by its photographic possibilities--is being brought to the screen by Robert Zemeckis, using state-of-the-art 3-D motion capture for squirtastic results.

Fruit Stripes and Stars Forever - The first in controversial director Lars von Trier's planned "cavity trilogy" uses the multi-flavored gum as an allegory of America's moral decline, with the famed zebra mascot repeatedly beaten and raped by Uncle Sam and Gummi Bears. To be followed by Hubba Dubya and Bleak Existence, Juicy Fruit.

Fan response to these and other gum-related projects has so far been mixed. From ICanMoveOutOfMyParents'BasementAnyTimeIWant.com, Harry Klenill, aka Wormtongue, writes, "The trailer for Trident! gave me four out of five boners." Sidney Lasgridge, aka CommodoreDecker'sShuttlecraft, writes, "Natalie Portman was born to play Bubblicious." And Lawrence P. Salvador, aka SySnootles, writes, "Sorry, wrong talkback."