04/04/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

How to Rescue Local Newspapers

- Print stories on chocolate

- Add trenchant political commentaries by the long-haired blond guy from TMZ, you know the one I'm talking about

- Hide obituaries inside "Magic Eye" images

- Leak rumor that attractive, young, white female local newspaper has been kidnapped under mysterious circumstances; 24-hour cable TV coverage will drive circulation up while all other local newspapers secretly cover the coverage

- Supplement financial section with numerous photographs of adorable kitties in socks

- Fire all film critics, install beloved cartoon character Snuffy Smith's "zero-to-four Moonshine Xs" rating system

- New section: "What to do around town when you're finished getting real news off the Internet"

- More stories on foxy boxing

- Any time an error is found in an article, newspaper owner must go to each subscriber's house dressed in a diaper, apologize, then stick five billiard balls in his/her mouth

- Hire Tina Fey to punch up the horoscopes

- Instruct reporters to use more soothing words like "clouds" and "butterscotch"

- Make reading paper exciting again by installing microchips in each edition; when reader turns page, he either gets electric shock or hears sound of duck yelling "Aflac!"

- Replace editorial boards nationwide with current and/or former casts of America's Top Model

- All headlines must now contain words "explosion," "serial killer," or "Octo-Mom"

- Concentrate on promoting sections that Jesus would read

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