05/15/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hannah Montana: The Movie (3rd draft, by Tom Stoppard)

From the development vaults of Walt Disney Pictures, dated: February 18, 2008:

(EXT. Crowley Corners, Tennessee - Hannah Montana and best friend Lilly watch cows in a pasture.)

Hannah: Staring at these grazing ungulates, I question my own identity. Are they better off masticating the dew-flecked herbage below them, unaware of the charnelhouse that awaits? Are they secure in the knowledge of their own existence?

Lilly: They are cows, that is all. They are there and then they are not, not not and whatnot. That is their only proof of existence.

Hannah: Schopenhauer says, "Every man takes the limit of his own field of vision for the limits of the world." Are we eternally bound to this corporeal dimension? Is there a hereafter?

Killy: A here, perhaps, not necessarily an after.

Hannah: If there is or there is not, I should like to know then that my ignorance of its irreality is equally and justifiably real.

(Brody approaches, riding a horse.)

Brody: Mornin', ladies.

(The horse shits on Hannah's shoes.)

Hannah: Sweet niblets! I will not have my Manolos sullied by equine evacuation!

(Brody rides off.)

Lilly: Your indignity parallels the canon of Chaucerian excrement, in which the body of all mankind--filthy, selfish, primitive--obeys the ritual of process and transmutation.

Hannah: Chaucer say what?!

Lilly: Now is the time for change, dear Hannah, to modify that pivot where stasis and momentum co-exist.

Hannah: If navigating my career is analogous to food wending its luscious way as locusts through a horse's dank innards, then I must move with haste or become stuck in an endless gastric phase, with no acetylcholine in sight.

Lilly: A person mastering an unbreakable horse is no less masterful than a person not mastering a breakable horse.

Hannah: Or just as masterful.

Lilly: Or masterfully just.

(Lilly exits. From behind a haystack, an older Hannah Montana appears and faces her younger self.)

Hannah: Do I make the right choice? Is my future justified?

Older Hannah: Is anything justified?

Older Hannah/Hannah: Ah...sweet niblets.

(They exit.)