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Jay Carney to Be Replaced by Flo, the Progressive Girl

05/16/2013 10:04 am 10:04:52 | Updated Jul 16, 2013

Effective immediately, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney will be replaced by Flo, the bubbly spokesgirl for Progressive Insurance. "It was decided that someone new and fresh was needed to be the public liaison for the Obama administration and we think everyone will enjoy Flo's perky spirit and helpful attitude," said Tyler Gurren, Damage Control/Transparency Czar. "Press satisfaction is our policy. Now, that's the White House!"

The traditional press room has been replaced by a large, spotlessly clean area where Flo will interact with journalists on a one-to-one basis. "I had a lot of questions about inconsistencies regarding Benghazi," said Dan Hallyan of the Washington Bugle Tattler Tribune. "Flo compared the answers and explanations I had received from other press secretaries, and got me new, more plausible ones for a lot less!" Politics 'n' Other Shit.com blogger Natalie Tupelo said, "She not only provided the same news coverage I previously had but customized everything for my online audience. Thanks, Flo!"

When asked about the IRS being accused of targeting people who use Allstate, Liberty, and State Farm as their insurance carriers, Flo laughed charmingly, then pulled out a tiny microphone from her white shirt and said, "Security." She added, "That's a press joke!" before calling security again.