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Last Person to Pay Attention to Donald Trump Dies Peacefully at Home

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Gordon Mellifleck, the last known person to have paid attention to anything Donald Trump had to say, died peacefully at his home in Scottsbluff, Nebraska at the age of 82. "My father was surrounded by family and loved ones," said Mellifleck's son Roger, in a statement issued earlier this morning. "If he had lived to see Trump drop out of the Newsmax debate, I'm sure it would have killed him."

Mellifleck was a solitary fan of Mr. Trump's for many years and reportedly found everything the business magnate said and did to be of great interest, from his involvement with World Wrestling Entertainment to his feud with Rosie O'Donnell to his questioning of President Obama's birth status. "He saw it as a great responsibility," said Mellifleck's granddaughter Alice. "We took him to several therapists but nothing they did or prescribed could change Grandpa's mind about Trump. Sometimes we would pretend not to know him and Grandpa would just start yelling, 'If only Donald Trump was here! He'd tell us what to do!' to random strangers."

For the moment, no one in the Mellifleck family appears ready to take up the mantle of Trump devotion that had fallen squarely on Gordon's shoulders. Said Roger Mellifleck, "I can live with that."

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