The desperate nationwide manhunt continues for any American citizen thought to be even remotely interested in the upcoming nuptials of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton. "We know someone is out there," said CNN's 24/7 Royal Story Wrangler Susan McCrackle. "And we encourage that person to reveal himself or herself for the good of journalism."
With less than two months until the royal wedding, it seems finding that elusive American is more difficult than previously expected. "I am shocked -- shocked -- at the lack of enthusiasm," says Today Show producer Ronald Coates. "I simply can't imagine why people aren't more interested in the affairs of an outdated and irrelevant monarchy which our country rejected more than 200 years ago because of our hatred for that monarchy."
The lack of interest persists, despite constant media stories about the guest list, which sweatshop workers sewed the bride's gown, and sexual aids William and Kate plan to use on their wedding night. Last week, the search was thought to have ended when Titusville, Florida's Doran Kelleye was quoted as saying she was thrilled for the couple and could hardly wait to see the marriage. However, she later modified her story, explaining, "I thought Prince was getting married to Kate Winslet. Now, that would be cool."
Still, royal newshounds remain hopeful that they will find someone before the April 29th wedding date. "People must be interested because we keep telling them they must be," says Us Weekly's Hubert Loften. "And if they aren't, then clearly they must be wrong. There can be no other explanation."