Michael Jackson News: 2019

The family of "Elephant Man" Joseph (John) Merrick has finally succeeded in obtaining the skeleton of Michael Jackson, after legal proceedings that have lasted almost a decade. Mr. Jackson's remains will be shipped to England and placed in The Royal London Hospital near the bones of Mr. Merrick, where Merrick Family spokesperson Timothy Cornsthwaite said, "They will no doubt have much to talk about." The Jackson Family will continue to fight the court ruling, insisting it interferes with their plans for a Michael Jackson's Skeleton World Tour. "Fans need to see Michael's skeleton," said Jackson Family lawyer Donald Petrillio, in an interview with The All Michael Jackson News Network (formerly CNN). "Michael would have wanted it this way."

Custody of the late singer's children has once again changed hands, with former "Webster" star Emmanuel Lewis receiving guardianship of Prince Michael Katharine, Michael Joseph, Jr. and Prince "Blanket" Michael II, along with newly discovered test-tube created babies Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail. Lewis took over as legal parent from Liza Minnelli, whose recent bionic implants officially remove her from "human" status. Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe is currently on a waiting list for guardianship behind Elizabeth Taylor, Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin, any living Motown artist, Jeff Dunham and Peanut, former child stars Corey Haim and Mason Reese, and a block of Wisconsin cheddar cheese. "It's all in the best interests of the children," said Jackson Family lawyer Alicia Tolar, replacing Donald Petrillio. "And we know Michael would have wanted it this way."

Over 3,000 people were trampled and killed at a tenth anniversary memorial service held for Michael Jackson at Los Angeles' Staples Center, doubling the total trampled and killed at 2009's memorial service. Following a lottery that guaranteed a certain number of tickets, the rest of the public was told to "fight to the death for what was left" and given a variety of clubs, chains, and tasers with which to secure a spot in the 20,000-seat arena. "In hindsight, this may not have been such a good idea but those 3,000 fans are now with Michael," said Jackson Family lawyer Benjamin Folett, replacing Alicia Tolar. "And we're pretty sure Michael would have wanted it this way."

"Michael Jackson: Endless," the latest CD of previously unreleased Michael Jackson material will coincide with the tenth anniversary of his death. Following compilations that included rejected and secretly recorded songs, outtakes, jingles, limericks, haiku, and bird calls, this collection will concentrate on the sounds of Michael snoring, along with bits of Michael's phone answering machine messages, and brother Tito reading text from Post-It notes that Michael left around the Neverland estate. "This is even more exciting than anything on the last 27 CDs and guaranteed to pay off at least five million more of his debt," said Jackson family lawyer Nicholas Sarzko, replacing Benjamin Folett . "And goodness knows, Michael would have wanted it this way."

In other news, California is turned into a maximum security prison; Iraq and Israel continue their combined attack against Mechagodzilla; and Sarah Palin resigns the Presidency to return to her former job as Governor of Alaska, while Vice-President Marion Berry is sworn in as President. Says Palin, "Michael would have wanted it this way."

Comments

[pons1595]

Rev. Sharpton has recommended daily memorial services for Michael to be held simultaneously throughout the world for 3 hours per day.

[Holypat777]

We needed that! LMAO!

[blaqntelligence]

I admire the skill it takes to make a light-hearted commentary while remaining respectful. Too funny, thank you.

[bowthai]

The best MJ reporting yet!

[sisterdebmac]

HIGHlarious.

[vims]

I like the article and the first comment. "Stop the Moon-walker Deaths" legislation ? Thoughtful and funny

[ibsteve2u]

Ya left one out:

In response to rumors of the involvement of prescription drugs in Michael Jackson's death, Congress banned all on-line pharmacies and prohibited the importation of cheaper drugs from Canada et al by all U.S. citizens. Rumors continue to swirl regarding massive payoffs to both members of Congress and the Big Four media giants from Big Pharma. The latter again reported record profits, as they have every year since the "Stop Moon-Walker Deaths" legislation passed.