THE BLOG

National Security and Privacy Secretly Wed in Las Vegas

06/02/2015 05:47 pm ET | Updated Jun 02, 2016
BRIAN JONES via Getty Images

Following months of rumors, it's been revealed that Privacy and National Security were secretly married weeks ago in Las Vegas, Nevada. "We're tired of all the naysayers constantly describing us as incompatible. We'll show you. We'll show you all! Ha!" the couple wrote in a phone text message to friends that was, ironically, extracted by government analysts randomly searching piles of metadata.

The pair exchanged vows at the Holy Chapel of the Inebriates and chose a Western-themed ceremony which featured tumbleweeds, yodelers, but did not include a cash-only minister fee of $60. "They made such a lovely couple," said one of the witnesses who wished to remain anonymous; he was later identified as 58-year-old Byron Hattentoll through information extracted by government analysts randomly searching piles of metadata.

(Breaking news: Eight hours after the wedding, Privacy and National Security filed for divorce, citing Constitutionally irreconcilable differences. Their mutual acquaintance Due Process noted: "Duh.")