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New BP Theme Park SuperPetrolFunland: The Oiliest Place on Earth!

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In an effort to restore its image after the explosion on its Deepwater Horizon rig last month, British Petroleum has unveiled plans to construct SuperPetrolFunland, a new oil-themed amusement park in the Gulf of Mexico. The so-called "oiliest place on earth" will be the first oil-based theme park, according to BP spokesperson Melville Tullan who describes it as "a fun-filled, fossil-fueled wonderland for kids from eight to eighty."

British Petroleum's first attempt to enter the amusement park arena was the unsuccessful HappyPetrolGoodTimePlace, which was created after BP's 2005 Texas City refinery explosion but was quickly shut down after the park's Main Street Gas, Oily Rags, and Flamethrower Parade unexpectedly caught fire and killed 150 people. When asked about the wisdom of such an undertaking as SuperPetrolFunland, a spokesperson for the Obama Administration said the President would form a bipartisan commission to investigate the efficacy of commissions formed to investigate oil-based theme parks.

Planned attractions for SuperPetrolFunland include The Enchanted Offshore Drilling Platform, Tony Hayward's Wild Ride, The Top Kill Jamboree, and (Roughly) 200 Billion Gallons Under the Sea. "It's a shame to keep dwelling on the negative aspects of the spill. What's done is done," says Tullan. "Now is an opportunity to use the unexpected ecological side-effects for good--to celebrate the shiny, slippery majesty of oil, and to return to the joys of a simpler era with no consequences." In addition, SuperPetrolFunland will have two delightful cartoon mascots: Sticky the Oil-Soaked Sea Lion, who will be used to promote the advantages of wildlife that can automatically self-lube; and Sticky's pal Mortimer, the Alternative Energy Dumb-Ass.

"We have great hopes for the success of SuperPetrolFunland," says Tullan, who predicts the subsequent appearances of amusement parks in Grand Isle, Louisiana; Dauphin Island, Alabama; the Florida Keys; and all along the East Coast. Although there are no current plans to introduce SuperPetrolFunland to Europe's North Sea, Tullan notes, "We are keeping our fingers crossed."