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Obama Creates Department of Overt Emotional Display

06/03/2010 10:24 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Effective immediately, the Obama administration has created the Department of Overt Emotional Display (DOED) in order to deal more effectively with continuing political fallout from the British Petroleum oil spill. "Yes, oh thank God, yes, this day has come! YES!!" exclaimed newly appointed DOED Secretary Harold Pleabinger at a news conference yesterday. "How much do I care about you, the American People?" Pleabinger asked, taking a dramatic pause, looking down, then looking up again. "THIS much," he noted, extending his arms widely as President Obama stared straight ahead, unblinking, pursing his lips, and nodding his head.

The Department of Overt Emotional Display will work closely with the President to better convey the true feelings of his administration in dealing with natural and man-made catastrophes. "In this way," Obama noted in careful, measured tones that closely resembled those of famed 2001: A Space Odyssey computer HAL 9000, "People will fully appreciate the seriousness with which I intellectually assimilate such emergencies." Secretary Pleabinger promptly fell to his knees, pounding the carpet and yelling, "No! That's not enough! That's NOT ENOUGH for the American people! They need more, dammit! MORE!!" The President agreed as Pleabinger stood and openly wept, each tear a light-dabbled jewel falling from his endlessly soulful and compassionate eyes.

When asked by a reporter how this new Department would actually help in the efforts to contain the BP oil spill, Secretary Pleabinger grabbed him by the throat and screamed, "How can you ask that question? In the name of all that is pure and good in this world, HOW CAN YOU ASK THAT?! Go to hell, you cold-hearted BASTARD!! Go...to..." The Secretary then fell to his knees again, crumpled himself into a fetal position, and slowly rocked back and forth as press members applauded.