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Florida and Arizona Officially Merge, Plan to Enact Craziest Laws Ever

Posted: 04/16/2012 1:45 pm

In a move that had been expected for some time, the states of Florida and Arizona have merged in an effort to consolidate financial resources and to enact a series of laws even more insane than the ones that either state had passed individually. "It's a win-win for everyone," says temporary Florida-Arizona Governor Lionel Ullrick. "Separately, we could only scratch the surface of wacko legislation. Together, we can hone our unique visions and pass stuff that will literally make your head spin."

Momentarily putting aside the problems inherent in changing borders, populations and electoral votes to accommodate the merger, Florida-Arizona legislators have concentrated on enacting a number of new "crazy" laws, which include: the Cop Lit Act, in which police may detain people who look "kinda funny" and jail/torture them indefinitely if they are unable to write a well-considered essay comparing stylistic devices used by Melville, Dos Passos and T.S. Eliot; the Stand, Point, and Shoot Law, in which all citizens are required to carry firearms and shoot anyone they suspect of not carrying firearms (crossbows optional on Tuesdays and Thursdays); the Switcheroo Act, in which jurors during a criminal trial may at any time replace the judge with one of the guys from Storage Wars.

One of the more popular new laws is the 'Til Death Act (Arizona-Florida SB 165), which legally allows marriage between a man or woman and a zygote. This triggered an immediate wave of human-zygote marriages across Florida-Arizona, the first being Henry Tussle, who brought his zygote bride Daisy to City Hall in a silk-lined petri dish, along with a powered microscope to prove the existence of said bride. Said Tussle: "If life can now begin at conception in Florida-Arizona, why can't love, as well?"

The official name of the combined Florida-Arizona has yet to be determined, with suggestions ranging from "Florizona" and "Arida" to "CuckooCocoaPuffs" and "Kal-El." "This is an important decision and we don't want to rush into anything," said Governor Ullrick. "I mean, the last thing we want to do is look foolish in the eyes of the rest of the country."