11/14/2011 01:51 pm ET | Updated Jan 14, 2012

Super Committee Members Agree to Freeze Time Before November 23 Deadline

With less than two weeks to go before its November 23 deadline for $1.2 trillion in deficit cuts, the twelve members of the bipartisan "Super Committee" have agreed to freeze time on November 22, so November 23 never happens. "By stopping time completely, we will not be required to make any decisions about the deficit," says Committee member Senator John Kerry (D). "No automatic spending cuts will be triggered and no one will be upset by any seemingly partisan choices. Everybody wins!"

The decision to freeze time was immediately embraced by Republicans and Democrats on the Committee. "I'm surprised we didn't come up with this much earlier," says Senator Pat Toomey (R). "All that time we wasted trying to avoid the issue when we had the most permanent way of avoiding it staring us right in the face -- what a no-brainer." Some quantum physicists have expressed concerns over what may become of events being permanently frozen at November 22, but Committee members are unfazed. Said Toomey: "If they have a better plan for dealing with the deficit than freezing time, I'd sure like to hear about it."

Some of the Super Committee members are split as to how long we will actually remain at November 22. Citing the movie Groundhog Day, Senator Jon Kyl (R) noted, "It should take roughly as long as it took for Bill Murray to evolve as a human being, and to learn how to play the piano and create ice sculptures." By contrast, Committee member Representative Xavier Becerra (D) said, "Who cares? Let it be November 22 forever! No more elections, no more worries. Sure, it'll always be the anniversary of JFK's death but, come on, the perpetual excitement of Thanksgiving always being around the corner? Wheee! Tra la la!"