11/02/2011 02:03 pm ET | Updated Jan 02, 2012

Mitt Romney Seduces Tea Party Members With Candles, Barry White Songs

Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has finally seduced uncertain Tea Party members with a romantic evening of candles, wine, and Barry White songs. "I've had my doubts about Romney in the past but he has won me over with his vision for unlimited economic growth... and unlimited love," said Tea Party activist Michael Tellurose. "Now, he's the first, the last, my everything."

Political insiders report that Romney invited all skeptical Tea Party members into an elegant, dimly-lit Washington, D.C. hotel room, with rose petals scattered across the floor. "After lighting some jasmine vanilla-scented candles, Romney poured glasses of Zinfandel for each person," said writer Otis LeFrane. Then, Romney played "I'll Do for You Anything You Want Me To" from White's 1975 album Just Another Way to Say I Love You and the rest, as LeFrane noted, was "ecstasy."

As White's deep baritone filled the room, Tea Party member Shirley Burnstill tried to ask Romney about his Massachusetts health care plan but Romney simply put his right index finger to his lips and said, "Darling, please don't make me wait too long." What happened after this is open to speculation, but Burnstill apparently promised to make Romney the "fruit between her sheets." Burnstill later clarified, noting, "He's qualified to satisfy me/Anyway I want him to."