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The 2013 Fall TV Schedule (Or What's Left of It)

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MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Manufacturing Chemical Weapons With the Stars
CBS - Damn, I Was Hoping the Mother Would Be Miley Cyrus; Hot Steamin' Misogyny!
NBC - Banish These 15-Year Old Glass-Shattering Kids And Their Soul-Sucking Personal Tragedies to The High School Talent Shows From Whence They Came
FOX - It Would Be Cool If Bones' and Booth's Kid Becomes a Serial Killer
CW - Look Away! Look Away! Please--Look Away!
CNN - Erin Burnett Pole Dances the News
VH1 - Danish Longball Wives
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

CBS - Welcome to Another Season's Worth of Jokes About Kat Dennings' Huge Breasts; Let's Pass a Law That Prevents Chuck Lorre From Having More Than One Show On the Air at a Time
FOX - Ichabod Crap
CW - Seriously--Turn This Off and Watch the Jean Cocteau Version
Bravo - The Real Jumping Frogs of Calaveras County
CNN - Piers Morgan Purses His Lips and Spews Hot Molten Self-Righteousness
Bio - Once Upon a Time I Saw a Ghost. It Was Scary. The End.
Syfy - Troutquake!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - But Masters, Remember That I Am an Ass, Though It Be Not Written Down, Yet Forget Not That I Am an Ass
CBS - In the Second Season, They Shrink Toni Collette And Her Family and Inject Them Into the President to Fight Rogue FBI Antibodies
NBC - So, Was James Spader Born Creepy Or Did He Just Become That Way?
CNN - Eliot Spitzer and Kathleen Parker Don't Seem So Bad Now, Do They?
God's Learning Channel - Yes, There Is a Network Called "God's Learning Channel"
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

TUESDAY

8-9

ABC - Auto Detailers of S.H.I.E.L.D.
CBS - NCIS: Wuthering Heights
NBC - Shouldn't We Be Empowering These People to Rejoice In Their Obesity? Huh? Have We Learned Nothing? Oh, Shame--Shame On Us And Our Mixed Messages!
FOX - Seth MacFarlane Is Involved In This, So Draw Your Own Conclusions; If Andre Braugher Could Survive Last Resort, I Suppose He Can Survive This, Too
CW - Now See, This Vampire Series Is Different From the Other 800 Vampire Series Because...Er...Um...Whatever
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

ABC - The 80s, Huh? I Mean, Was That Some Funny Stuff? Am I Right?; Hot Wife + Angry Exes = Shenani-family-gans!
CBS - NCIS: Wossamotta U.
NBC - Can One Singer Do a Rendition of "My Pal Foot Foot"?
FOX - Oh, the Things I Could Do to Zooey Deschanel That Would Leave Her Completely Unsatisfied; O Vapidity, Thy Name Is Kaling
CW - This Has Now Been On Longer Than The Twilight Zone
Syfy - Horsenami!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - Money Doesn't Buy Happiness or Good Ratings
CBS - Are There Any Mysterious Billionaires Who Don't Fight Crime?
NBC - Fire...Bad!
TNT - Something Dick Wolf Found In His Sock Drawer
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

WEDNESDAY

8 - 9

ABC - Single-Camera Family Comedy That Just Keeps Getting Renewed #2537; Don't Lose That Famous Temper of Yours When This Is Cancelled
CBS - Survivor: The Fizzy-Lifting Drink Room
NBC - Forget This and Just Concentrate On the Next Star Trek Movie
FOX - This Show Is Responsible For One Direction, So What More Is There to Say?
CW - Are There Any Billionaire Playboys Who Don't Fight Crime?
CNN - Breaking News: You're All Going to Die!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

ABC - I Still Can't Decide Which Overacted Repulsive Stereotype I Hate Most; Hapless Nerd Girls and Their Nerdish Ways...Awwww!
CBS - If It Weren't For Serial Killers, There Would Be No Television
NBC - Law & Order: Amanda Bynes Unit
CW - Perhaps Darwin Was Wrong
CNN - Breaking News: Okay, Maybe You're Not All Going to Die
HGTV - How to Rid Your House of Spirits and Flying Daggers
OWN - Making Fun of Tyler Perry Is Like Kicking a Rich, Untalented Puppy
Syfy - Piranhalanche!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - They Must Be Doing Something Right/To Last For Two Whole Years
CBS - CSI: Blefuscu
NBC - Let's Bring Back Julia, Only We'll Make Her White!
CNN - Breaking News: No, This Time We're Sure Of It--You're All Going to Die!
ESPN2 - Keith Olbermann Delights In the Sound of His Own Voice Before He Is Inevitably Fired
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

THURSDAY

8 - 9

ABC - Off With The Creators' Heads!
CBS - Make Bob Newhart a Regular And I'll Watch; It's Good To See Greg Garcia Transitioning From White Trash Jokes to Fart Jokes
NBC - I Hope Li'l Sebastian Gets His Own Show; Generic Family Culture Clash Comedy #56223
FOX - See Fox, Wednesday, 8:00pm
CW - For Those Of You Worried That Vampires Are Over
Bravo - Inside the Actors Studio: A Guy Who Met Steve McQueen's Stunt Double
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

ABC - Remember When This Mattered? Really? Will You Admit It In Court?
CBS - A Friend of Mine Auditioned For This Show and Didn't Get It So Fuck Robin Williams and the Rest of 'Em; Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher Could Be Replaced By Halogen Lamps And, Alas, People Would Still Watch
NBC - Generic Family Comedy With Beloved TV Star Who Clearly Can't Find Better Work #44298; Generic Family Comedy With Beloved TV Star Who Clearly Can't Find Better Work #44299
FOX - So, Wait--Are They All In College Now or What? And If You Care, Get Help Immediately
CW - Waiting for Glenda Jackson's Cameo as Elizabeth R
Syfy - Ostrichcano!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - Why Not Make Anthony Weiner a Technical Advisor Because I Understand He May Have Some Free Time Soon
CBS - They Can Team Up With an Edgy, Urban Hercule Poirot And His Robot Sidekick
NBC - Maybe the Network Could Promote This With One-Tenth the Energy They Used to Try and Ram Whitney Down our Throats
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

FRIDAY

8 - 9

ABC - Generic Family Comedy With Beloved TV Star Who Clearly Can't Find Better Work #44300; The Archest Aliens Ever!
CBS - The Heads of Google, AT&T, Facebook, Yahoo, and Verizon Go Undercover and Discover Nothing, Absolutely Nothing Wrong or Illegal is Happening With Their Companies, Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink, Say No More
NBC - Dateline NBC: Bows and Flows of Angel Hair and Ice Cream Castles In the Air
FOX - Next, Gordon Ramsay Will Yell at Quadriplegics and Blind Kittens
CW - The Idea of AnnaSophia Robb Physically Turning Into Sarah Jessica Parker Is More Amusing Than Anything In the Actual Show
Investigation Discovery - Candice DeLong Faces Some of My Ex-Girlfriends
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

ABC - I Hope the Me-Ma's Gumbo Brick Lady Is Doing Well
CBS - If Chin Ho Married Don Ho, It Would Be Really Nice Because Everybody Deserves Happiness Together
NBC - My Apothecary Shop Is Always Out of Monkey Claws
FOX - Once Again, Martha Plimpton Is In This and That's Fine By Me; Dishonorably Discharged In Two Weeks
CW - Men AND Women Are Competing This Season! Oh, the Tension! Oh, the Drama! Oh, the...Click, Bang
Syfy - Grizzlard!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - 20/20: If No One Watches the Regular News, Why Would They Watch This?
CBS - Police, Right? Because It's Good to Have Shows About Police On the Air
NBC - Tired of Vampires Yet? Well, Too Fucking Bad
E! - If You Can Stand Upright Without Soiling Yourself, You Can Get a Show Somewhere on TV **
Horse Racing TV - I Gather Something That Involves Horse Racing
MSNBC - The Alec Baldwin Passive-Aggressive Super Psycho Rant Hour With Special Point-Counterpoint From Toxic Little Queens and His Rude, Thoughtless Little Pig Daughter
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

SATURDAY

8 - 9

ABC - Please Remember, This Season: The Color Of the Jersey Number Itself Must Be Clearly and Obviously In Contrast With the Jersey, Regardless of Any Border Around the Number
CBS - You Know That Executives Gave Up On Programming Saturdays, Like, Twenty Years Ago, Don't You?
NBC - Because If You Don't, Then Please--Enjoy These Reruns!
FOX - What? COPS Isn't On Anymore? NOOOOO!!! ***
Spike TV - Whew, That Was a Close One
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

CBS - Seriously, Just Try Turning Off the TV For a Change
NBC - Or Maybe Read a Book
FOX - Or Talk to Your Children
Animal Planet - The Following Program Contains Material So Monumentally Adorable That You'll Want to Bash Your Own Brains In With a Crowbar
Syfy - Possumcane!
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

CBS - 48 Hours Mystery: We Find the Person Who Watches 48 Hours Mystery
NBC - Does It Matter? In a Few Years We're Just Going To Be Streaming Everything or Having Shows Beamed Through the Crystals Implanted In Our Necks
Al Jazeera America - Without the NSA Hacking Their Communications, They'd Have No Audience
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

SUNDAY

8-9

ABC - Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho/I've Never Watched This Show/And Yet I See/It's Season Three/Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho
CBS - Now, We'll Have Contestants Travel Into Other People's Minds
NBC - Eventually, Tackling and Scoring Will Be Eliminated and the Players Will Just Stare Angrily at Each Other But That Might Result in Hurt Feelings So Frankly, I'm Stumped
FOX - Maybe Moe Gets a Cell Phone/Has Bart Ever Owned a Bear?; I'm Not Afraid of Ghosts/I'm Not Afraid of Sharks/I'm Not Afraid of Cancer/I'm Just Afraid of Snakes!
Bravo - The Real Island of Misfit Toys
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

9 - 10

ABC - Is It Really Best Served Cold? Because I Think Hot Would Be Nice, Too
CBS - Lawyers, Right? Because It's Good to Have Shows About Lawyers On the Air
FOX - Insert My Usual Anti-Seth MacFarlane Diatribe Here; And Here
AMC - The Governor Is Currently In Syria Helping Assad With Population Control
HBO - "Our Laws Are Invented, In the Main, By Frauds and Fanatics and Put Upon the Statute Books By Poltroons and Scoundrels"
Syfy - They're Zebras and They Shoot Fire Out of Their Mouths and They're Invisible But They're Made of Fire and They Kill You With Fire
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

10 - 11

ABC - I'm Guessing This Isn't Based On the Harold Pinter Play
CBS - Red John Turns Out To Be the Future Mother From How I Met Your Mother
Discovery - Aroused and Tumescent
HBO - Heh, Heh, This Has "Sex" In the Title, Heh Heh
The Learning Channel - Can the Amish Have a Cage Fight With the Pastors From Snake Salvation?
VH1 - This Is the Second--I Repeat, Second--Spin-Off For Big Ang, So Hats Off to Civilization
A&E - Lovable Bearded Rednecks Whom You Can Enjoy and Feel Superior To

** Actually, it's probably better if you soil yourself, too
*** See Spike TV, Saturday 8:00pm