THE BLOG

The 2015 Academy Awards (or so we Hope)

02/18/2015 05:17 pm ET | Updated Apr 20, 2015

Warning: This parody contains graphic depictions of celebrities giving tongue baths to each other. Parental guidance and a non-disclosure agreement are suggested.

(INT. DOLBY THEATRE -- Angle on Gwyneth Paltrow simonizing her vagina; laterally track with Wes Anderson as he emerges from a Fabergé egg made out of emeralds, marzipan, and Tilda Swinton's flesh; cut to Harvey Weinstein using North Korean hackers to change votes for Birdman to The Imitation Game; cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg already, and justifiably, asleep)

Announcer (voice-over): Welcome to the 2015 Academy Awards, saluting a year of movies in 2014 so bad that 2013 is suing for defamation of character. And now, the president of the Motion Picture Academy... a screaming goat!

(A screaming goat enters; cut to the fake babies from American Sniper being used as seat fillers; cut to Julianne Moore burning all the prints of Seventh Son; cut to the producers of Selma explaining that the scene with Prince at the Montgomery state capitol singing "Do Me, Baby" was for dramatic effect)

A Screaming Goat: We salute the importance of artistic freedom and our industry's profound duty to examine the human condition with films like The Boy Next Door and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. And now, because Rich Little was considered too controversial, here's your host... Neil Patrick Harris!

(Neil Patrick Harris enters, launches into mammoth production number which delights the 35 people who saw the remake of Annie; he leaves to go host the Enrico Fermi Awards, the Bollingen Prize for Poetry, the Woodrow Wilson Award for Corporate Citizenship, and Jay C. Flippen Elementary School's "Yay! We're All Winners" Awards Day; Harris is immediately replaced by Danny Trejo, who kills the 35 people that saw Annie; cut to Oliver Stone remembering when he was relevant).

Announcer (voice-over): And now, a man whose absence from TV will allow him plenty of time to work on Rosewater 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold... Jon Stewart!

(Jon Stewart enters; cut to Gwyneth Paltrow Scotchgarding™ her vagina, then placing it under cold running water; cut to a film in which an American role is not played by a British actor; cut to the producers of Unbroken explaining that the scene with Brian Williams getting beaten at the Omori POW camp was for dramatic effect)

Jon Stewart: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are Robert Duvall, Ethan Hawke, Edward Norton, Mark Ruffalo, and J.K. Simmons. And the Oscar goes to... J.K. Simmons!

(J.K. Simmons goes to the podium as Brian Williams replaces him as the Farmers Insurance spokesperson; Kanye West runs onstage and complains the Oscar should have gone to Damon Wayans, Jr. for Let's be Cops; cut to Danny Trejo slicing West in half with a machete; cut to a thousand monkeys hard at work typing up the next dystopian-future-with-plucky-teens franchise)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, the only honest voice left in journalism today...GloZell!

(GloZell enters as Jeff Zucker demands that all CNN anchors conduct interviews in tubs of Fruit Loops or Cream of Wheat; cut to Johnny Depp taking a nice, long filmmaking sabbatical in the ooze from Under the Skin; cut to a thousand Luc Bessons hard at work typing up the next sequel to Taken)

GloZell: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are Patricia Arquette, Laura Dern, Keira Knightley, Emma Stone, and Meryl Streep. And the Oscar goes to...Patricia Arquette!

(Patricia Arquette goes to the podium; cut to the producers of The Imitation Game explaining that the scene with Alan Turing powering his computing machine with kryptonite was for dramatic effect; cut to Sony and Marvel Studios, finalizing plans to reboot Spider-Man with a brand new cast every hour on the hour; cut to the Ida DVD gag/blooper reel)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, an actor who is perilously close to becoming a living self-parody... Matthew McConaughey!

(Matthew McConaughey -- or is it Jim Carrey doing Matthew McConaughey? -- enters; cut to your choice of which celebrity offspring will be the first to reject everything their parents stand for and write a salacious tell-all book: 1) Jaden Smith 2) Suri Cruise 3) North West 4) Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt 5) Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt 6) Vivienne Marcheline Jolie-Pitt 7) Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt 8) Knox Leon Jolie-Pitt

Matthew McConaughey: The nominees for Best Actress are Julianne Moore and four other actresses who aren't Julianne Moore. And the Oscar goes to...Julianne Moore!

(Julianne Moore goes to the podium; cut to Shirley MacLaine working on her new book Why the Fuck Does Anyone Still Listen to Me?; cut to Amy Pascal's exit deal from Sony, which includes: $30 to $40 million income, a percentage of profit from movies she produces and almost $10 million annually for office costs and discretionary acquisition of scripts**)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, the one person who can unleash the mouth-foaming hypocrisy of rich Hollywood elites better than anyone alive... Elizabeth Warren!

(Elizabeth Warren enters as Hillary Clinton fans, unsure of whom to support in 2016, self-destruct like Star Trek computers; cut to montage of Oscar montages; cut to the ghost of John Ford ripping out ten pages of the Oscar script to get things back on schedule, then chewing out the ghost of Ward Bond)

Elizabeth Warren: The nominees for Best Actor are Steve Carell, Bradley Cooper, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Keaton, and Eddie Redmayne... and the Oscar goes to Michael Keaton!

(Michael Keaton goes to podium; cut to Academy members realizing they should have voted for The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders, which was ten times more entertaining and fifty times shorter than The Grand Budapest Hotel; cut to Alejandro González Iñárritu, winning in the special category of Most Direction; cut to Roger Deakins, who has lost track of how many times he has been nominated and lost***)

Announcer (voice-over): Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a very special guest and our country's newest best friend... Fidel Castro!

(Fidel Castro is wheeled on a gurney to the stage as John Kerry and James Taylor sing "Cuban Pete"; nauseated, Castro dies; cut to people watching the Oscars at home, who have visibly aged more than everyone in Boyhood; cut to the massive success of Fifty Shades of Grey unleashing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who destroy all movie studios and kill every actor...except for Bill Murray, whom they ask to sing the love theme from Jaws 24 hours a day****)

** Yes, this is absolutely true:
*** 12
**** Which would be fine by me