(INT. CONAN O'BRIEN'S "TONIGHT SHOW" OFFICE - Conan O'Brien sits at desk, looking exhausted, gazing wistfully at Vomiting Kermit doll.)
Conan: I don't know what to do. NBC is screwing me...Ratings continue to fall...I don't know if I can go to Fox or not...My sentences keep trailing off in ellipsis points...so tired...so...
(Conan leans back in chair, falls asleep.)
(INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CLOSE ON Conan's face as he wakes up.)
Conan: Hey--where am I?
(REVEAL NBC EXECUTIVE DRONES, staring at Conan.)
NBC Executive Drone #1: Did you think you could get out of your contract so easily? We've still got big plans for you!
(REVEAL Conan's head has been surgically removed and attached to the body of JAY LENO. Conan screams.)
Conan: Dear God, what have you done?
NBC Executive Drone #2: Why, we save ourselves millions of dollars by combining both of your shows at 10:00pm, replacing the 11:30 hour with reruns of Night Court, and still delivering top-quality entertainment to our hundreds of loyal television viewers with...JayConan!
Jay: Don't worry, Coco--there's plenty of room on my neck for everyone!
(INT. "JAYCONAN" SET - JayConan is in the middle of a "Headlines" segment, holding up a card that reads: "SAL AT J.C. PENNEY." Conan's head looks miserable.)
Jay: So, I think this one was supposed to say "Sale at J.C. Penney" but instead, it says "Sal at J.C. Penney." Sal! Who's Sal? Huh? What about that, Kevin?
(REVEAL KEVIN EUBANKS with ANDY RICHTER'S HEAD attached to his body.)
Kevin: I don't know, man. That is funny.
Andy Richter: Yeah. That's crazy funny.
(INT. JAY LENO'S GARAGE - JayConan works on a 1966 Ford Galaxie 7 Litre. Conan's head looks miserable.)
Jay: Did I ever tell you that my father had a car just like this?
Conan: Yes! A million times! (crying) A million times...
Jay: He was a working man, you know.
(INT. CAPTAIN HA HA'S COMEDY CLUB, MURFREESBORO, TENNESSEE - JayConan is onstage in front of an audience of about ten people. Conan's head looks miserable.)
Jay: So, how about that world's largest cedar bucket?
(ANGLE ON TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG, watching.)
Triumph: To quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning: "You suck!"
(INT. NBC EXECUTIVE DRONE OFFICE - NBC Executive Drone #1 is on computer, reading Nikke Finke. ANGLE ON headline: "JayConan Ratings in Toilet, Causing Earth's Orbit to Decay")
NBC Executive Drone #1: This isn't working at all. There's only one thing left to do...
(ANGLE ON TV SCREEN)
Announcer (V.O.): It's "The NBC Surprised Kitty Show" with guests Sarah Jessica Parker, comedian Jeff Dunham, and the Jonas Brothers' Accountants. And now...Surprised Kitty!
(ANGLE ON "Surprised Kitty" from YouTube as it looks surprised over and over and over and over again.)