The Way the Oscars Should Be (And Actually Are)

05/06/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Spencer Green Co-Creator: BUMPERSTICKER: THE MUSICAL

(EXT. Kodak Theatre - Open on celebrities, showing their solidarity with the vast unemployed of America by wearing only half as much jewelry; cut to Gabourey Sidibe, eager to embrace all the rich, complex roles Hollywood has to offer young, overweight African-American actresses; cut to Harvey Weinstein, remembering when he mattered, and sending last-minute e-mails under the pseudonym "Not Harvey Weinstein" to Academy members, insisting that anyone who votes for The Hurt Locker is made of poo)

Announcer (voice-over): Welcome to the 2010 Academy Awards, a celebration of monstrous, gasp-inducing creative bankruptcy which you continue to watch year after year like the pathetic, salivating dogs we have programmed you to be!

(INT. Kodak Theatre - Cut to Academy members planning to expand next year's Best Picture category to fifty nominees, so they can include made-for-TV movies, YouTube videos, and snuff films; insert Bruce Vilanch-written Kanye West/Sarah Palin joke here; cut to fanboys and serious Sight and Sound-reading film scholars alike debating the intrinsic merits of Quentin Tarantino's oeuvre, then realizing just how much of their lives they have wasted)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, the President of the Motion Picture Academy: A Guy No One Outside of the Industry Has Heard Of and Even Those In the Industry Have No Idea Who He Is!

(A Guy No One Outside of the Industry Has Heard Of and Even Those In the Industry Have No Idea Who He Is enters; cut to George Clooney, bored with trying to arrange a telethon to save Chile and, instead, having sex with many beautiful women because, hey, he's George Clooney; cut to Bloh'Mee, a Na'vi warrior, filing a lawsuit against James Cameron, claiming Avatar appropriated his life story)

A Guy No One Outside of the Industry Has Heard Of and Even Those In the Industry Have No Idea Who He Is: Once again, we gather to celebrate the art of motion pictures, movies, and films, and salute an industry whose talent, imagination, and continual creative daring can be seen in the upcoming remakes of Clash of the Titans, Nightmare on Elm Street, Red Dawn, The Karate Kid, and Tron. And now, a montage of films in which white people help black people and feel really good about it!

(cut to Chuck Workman montage of The Blind Side, Conrack, Mississippi Burning, The Soloist, and Pippi Longstocking; cut to George Clooney because legal requirements demand that we cut to George Clooney as often as possible; cut to backlash against The Hurt Locker backlash)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, your Oscar hosts...Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin!

(Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin enter; cut to Kevin Smith being asked to leave the Kodak Theatre, not because of weight issues but because he is a horrible, horrible filmmaker who, by the way, sure has been awfully quiet since the stellar reception for Cop Out, huh?; cut to Vu!@oo# Z**e/kr$on, filing a lawsuit against Neill Blomkamp, claiming District 9 appropriated his life story and unfairly portrayed extraterrestrials who look like praying mantids)

Steve Martin: Good evening, I'm Steve Martin.

Alec Baldwin: And I'm--

(Alec's cell phone rings, he answers)

Alec Baldwin: Yes? What? You thoughtless little pig! Never interrupt me when I'm co-hosting the Oscars! Did your succubus mother put you up to this? I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!

(Armed guards taser Baldwin while Steve Martin calmly opens his laptop and works on an essay about Charles Burchfield for an upcoming Whitney Museum exhibit; cut to Oscar producers Bill Mechanic and Adam Shankman calling back-up hosts in this order: Ricky Gervais, Neil Patrick Harris, Sarah Silverman, Alex Trebek, the cast of Jersey Shore, Norm Crosby, a sheet of bubble wrap, Gary Busey, Jay Leno)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, for anyone watching this at home who is under the age of 70, please welcome...Robert Pattinson!

(Robert Pattinson enters as teenaged girls across America wet themselves on cue because teenaged girls sure like guys who play vampires; cut to the ghost of Adolf Hitler, filing a lawsuit against Quentin Tarantino, claming Inglourious Basterds appropriated his life story; cut to Oscar Death Reel and curiosity over whether or not it will include Patrick McGoohan since the Academy fuckers left him out last year; cut to backlash against the backlash against The Hurt Locker backlash)

Robert Pattinson: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are Mo'Nique and -- oh, whom are we kidding? The Oscar goes to...Mo'Nique!

(Monique goes to podium, gives tearful speech as her husband apparently gets to have sex with all the women he wants and she doesn't mind -- neat!; cut to a special John Hughes tribute because John Hughes so very, very richly deserves a separate tribute section at the Oscars as opposed to hacks like Billy Wilder, Paul Newman, and Ingmar Bergman who didn't get one after they died)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, please welcome two of the hottest and most talented stars in Hollywood...Megan Fox's breasts!

(Megan Fox's breasts bounce to the podium, heaving and oscillating in frenetic rhythms; cut to backlash against An Education because, well, it was feeling left out of the whole Oscar backlash department)

Megan Fox's Breasts: The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are Christoph Waltz and four actors who aren't Christoph Waltz. And the Oscar goes to...Christoph Waltz!

(Christoph Waltz goes to podium; cut to montage of lovable movie Nazis: Erich von Stroheim as Colonel von Scherbach, Kenneth Mars as Franz Liebkind, Ralph Fiennes as Amon Goeth, Michael Bay as himself; cut to Christopher Plummer, 82, for whom this will probably be his last shot at an Oscar and who wasn't even nominated for The Man Who Would Be King or The Insider because the Academy SUCKS BIG ELEPHANT COCKS!! But, I digress)

Announcer (voice-over) And now, a man who is talented and clearly has noble humanitarian intentions but whom we still want to repeatedly punch in the face until our fists hurt...please welcome Sean Penn!

(Sean Penn enters, exhausted after swimming directly to the Kodak Theatre from Haiti, subsumed in a glow of self-righteousness and Paco Rabanne; cut to some screenwriter somewhere vomiting as he or she adapts the latest novel that Nicholas Sparks shit on the floor)

Sean Penn: The nominees for Best Actress are Sandra Bullock, Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, and Meryl Streep. And the Oscar goes to...Sandra Bullock!

(Bullock goes to podium, burns negatives of All About Steve; cut to Meryl Streep who deserves seven Lifetime Achievement Oscars for the last 29 years of graciously smiling as she loses to inferior actresses; cut to Barbara Walters finishing her last Oscar special, then being lowered by crane into a barrel of formaldehyde)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, please welcome one of those British actresses who seems all genteel on the outside but, man oh man, just give me fifteen minutes with her and I would disappoint her spectacularly...Kate Winslet!

(Kate Winslet enters and I will say nothing bad about her or her proclivity for disrobing, which I encourage her to do as many times as possible in the upcoming Mildred Pierce mini-series, but for purely artistic reasons, of course; cut to Ryan Gosling because I'm curious what he's up to)

Kate Winslet: The nominees for Best Actor are Jeff Bridges, George Clooney, Colin Firth, Morgan Freeman, and Jeremy Renner. And the Oscar goes to...Jeff Bridges!

(Jeff Bridges accepts his Oscar, relieved that he doesn't have to continue hearing how underappreciated he is; cut to Academy members, relieved they can now go back to giving Best Actor Oscars to Brits playing Americans and Americans playing a variety of famous dead people in biopics)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, please welcome a man who can still kick your ass anytime anywhere and you'll like it and ask for more...Clint Eastwood!

(Clint Eastwood enters, taking time off from producing/directing/scoring seven more films, climbing Pikes Peak, and wrestling a grizzly bear; cut to Francis Ford Coppola, Peter Bogdanovich, and William Friedkin at home, waiting for the phone to ring; cut to the 700th promo for Dancing With the Stars)

Clint Eastwood: The nominees for Best Director are Kathryn Bigelow, James Cameron, Lee Daniels, Jason Reitman, and Quentin Tarantino. And the Oscar goes to...Kathryn Bigelow!

(Kathryn Bigelow accepts her Oscar; cut to Barbra Streisand still fuming that she didn't win Best Director for The Mirror Has Two Faces; cut to James Cameron's ego exploding out of his chest and impaling Nicolas Chartier; cut to Lauren Bacall, Roger Corman, and Gordon Willis denied their rightful two minutes of Honorary Oscar TV face time as we salute Jimmy Stewart's getting a cut of the profits from Winchester '73 with a musical number featuring the cast of Glee and Shamu the Killer Whale)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, please welcome the most beloved star in the world...Betty White!

(Betty White enters, strangles a baby, blows up a basket of kittens, and spits on Kate Smith's grave--and everyone loves her even more; cut to Eric Rohmer in the afterlife, revealing he was quite a fan of Bride Wars; cut to Kevin O'Connell who isn't nominated this year but, damn, the guy has just lost so many times)

Betty White: The Oscar for Best Picture goes to...The Hurt Locker!

(The Hurt Locker producers accept their awards; cut to Hollywood applauding a film about the Iraq War that didn't suck quite as much as all the other films about the Iraq War, then encouraged to produce a zillion more films about the Iraq War because, you know, Americans want more than anything to see films about unpopular wars)

Announcer (voice-over): And now, ladies and gentlemen, straight from Atonementpalooza 2010 (**Sponsored by Red Bull. Red Bull! When you've got to atone, atone TO THE EXTREME with Red Bull!!**)...Tiger Woods!

(Tiger Woods enters; cut to Kodak audience members unsure of how to respond to Woods' presence, calling Roman Polanski on speed dial for his advice)

Tiger Woods: Many of you here lead lives of extraordinary privilege and temptation. You think normal rules of behavior do not apply, as I thought they did not apply to me. I am here to plead with you -- look at yourselves and look at the people who admire, even worship you. Think of the images that you project to them, the hedonistic excesses you embrace, and then ask yourselves...Is this the legacy I want to leave? Is this how I want to lead my life? Isn't there another way?

(Cut to audience, seriously considering Tiger's words)

Tiger Woods: Hey, I'm just fuckin' with ya'! Keep doing what you do best! Whooo, yeah!!

(cue "Any Way You Want It"; cut to Tiger having sex onstage with the female cast of Nine)