A recent study of 50-68 year old men and women in Chicago, found that being lonely at the beginning of the study correlated with increases in blood pressure two, three and four years later. People with higher levels at the onset of the study had greater increases in systolic blood pressure. This effect was not accounted for by age, gender, race or ethnicity, cardiovascular risk factors, medications, health conditions, and the effects of depressive symptoms, social support, perceived stress, and hostility (Hawkley, Thisted et al.). This study was remarkable because it was not a cross sectional study but instead, people were followed over time. In an earlier study of people examined all at one time, this association was also seen. Why would loneliness lead to your blood vessels being more resistant to blood flow, or your heart straining more to pump out blood?
While the answer to this is not known, a few things about lonely people are worth noting. Did you know that lonely people are rewarded more by things than by the faces of pleasant people? (Cacioppo, Norris et al. 2009) That means that when lonely people see happy people, their brains do not respond with relief. Instead, they turn off. Things, which are probably less threatening, are more rewarding. Furthermore, the brains of lonely people are also more sensitive to unpleasant people. If this is the case, it is conceivable that they suffer at both ends-the heart and the brain. The brain, being less responsive to pleasant things, does not spend much time quieting down the heart or relieving it. And the heart, needing more effort to pump blood to the brain, actually deprives the brain of the blood it needs to relieve itself with pleasant things. What a vicious cycle!
It is no wonder then, that we become nervous when we are lonely, for our bodies are telling us that something is going wrong. We may rationalize all we want about being self-sufficient or about being able to take care of ourselves, and that is true but it seems that denial of loneliness is not really helpful. Your brain and heart know anyway.
In this era of self-sufficiency, single parents, one driver cars and an increasing reliance on superficial modes of connecting, we are jeopardizing our hearts and brains without knowing this. The tendency to act as though nothing is happening does not do much either.
So what should one do about loneliness?
Firstly, if you are lonely, instead of being ashamed, know and understand this deeply. Know too, that filling your life with events and people does not remove loneliness. One of the biggest causes of loneliness is not expressing yourself as fully as you can; not being the complete success that you can be. When people are in the zone, they are usually not lonely.
This is in part because being "in the zone" removes the observing self. Paradoxically, we are most alone when we are split into an observing and experiencing self -- when a part of us provides a narrative about life. We are least lonely when the observing and experiencing self are one. This oneness is where we need to be operating from and this oneness is the place where loneliness cannot exist.
Whenever you find yourself having an internal observing narrative: "I am so stressed", "I feel anxious", "I can't believe I did that" -- recognize that this is the way of loneliness. The only way we can get our observing voices to stop talking, is to give our all to every moment in our lives; as challenging as that is, it is critical to removing loneliness.
My main message here: removing the observing voice from your head will make you feel much less lonely than having a hundred people in your life. Do this as a favor to your heart. Your brain will thank you.
References
Cacioppo, J. T., C. J. Norris, et al. (2009). "In the eye of the beholder: individual differences in perceived social isolation predict regional brain activation to social stimuli." J Cogn Neurosci 21(1): 83-92.
Hawkley, L. C., R. A. Thisted, et al. "Loneliness predicts increased blood pressure: 5-year cross-lagged analyses in middle-aged and older adults." Psychol Aging 25(1): 132-41.
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FOXNews.com - Ten Thoughts on Lonliness
FEAR OF LONLINESS?: Immediate Help for Fear Of Lonliness
I just cannot connect with anyone.
I don't even think that experiencing the world openly with your narrative exposed (to an acceptable degree) means that you have to be in a relationship or have a lot of friends but its simply a matter of voicing yourself effectively. I'm sure some people here on HP don't talk politics all the time, its just a forum for another one of their self-narratives to be express, and in that they find a small community, no matter how superficial that is.
Life is complex. Reducing one's experience to one aspect is always a problem.
I appreciate that a lot of people justify their single status as being happily independent (as you mentioned), and there is merit to this, but ultimately no one wants to grow old by themselves - yet the older we become, the more set in our ways we become, making it more and more difficult to find "the one" that fits into our fixed ideal of whom we want as the perfect partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people suffer from poor social skills, low emotional intelligence, low self esteem and generally do not understand how to create and maintain happy and healthy relationships - more focus needs to be on social skills - instead of wanting to find the ideal partner, we need to focus on making *ourselves* the ideal partner.
Thanks again for a great article.
Peace and much love
Lara Jane
Founder | Ultimate Lifestyle Project
http://ultimatelifestyleproject.com/emotional-quotient
That strikes me as too easily devolving into either repression or denial.
I suggest that something more akin to "transforming" the observing voice would be more effective.
There are many effective routes to transformation as diverse as therapy, meditation, and/or learning practical techniques to live more authentically in the present.
"Welcome to my life".
However, being alone does not necessarily lead to loneliness. That's obvious. I've known some people who simply MUST have someone else around all the time, or as close to "all" as possible. They will even put up with others they don't really like to avoid being alone.
I've always been an introvert and, in addition to that probably just being my nature, I was an only child for five years. I learned to keep myself entertained with books, learning and art when I wasn't out exploring, skating or bike riding.
Just look at some married couples; you'll find examples of soul-killing loneliness and despair that people who are single, for whatever reason, may never know.
1. Am I saying that we should throw self-reflection out the window? No
2. Am I saying that we should live out our lives with instinct and no thought? No
The context, which perhaps deserves greater clarification, is that there are several things to consider:
1. Is there ever a time when turning self reflection off can be helpful?
2. Is there ever a time when we suffer because of our inability to free ourselves from those observing voices?
I think that there are times when the above can be true. For those of you who separate out logic from emotion in your arguments, I would say that the two are interconnected. Also, sometimes emotions carry a powerful intelligence in them. All the time? No. But neither does logic. Logic without emotion is like a fish without water...
I totally agree with that. There are studies that show that married women are less healthy than single women. Studies that say children don't make mothers or fathers happier.
It's not about needing people or things. It's about really coming from yourself. Finally a sociology/psychology article I totally agree with.
Like many other chronically ill people, I've struggled with loneliness as my life unexpectedly changed from one of interacting with people everyday to one of relative isolation (I've written about this in a book I'm about to have published on living well with chronic illnesses and conditions).
It took a while, but by not judging myself for feeling lonely, I came to a place where I could almost say that it keeps me company. I mean that in the sense that, since isolation is a fact of life for me, I've befriended it. When I did that, I began to think of it more as a life of solitude, with all the positive connotations that the word "solitude" has.
The post and the comments so far have made for excellent reading!