THE BLOG

No Wonder Good Help Is So Hard to Find These Days

05/18/2011 02:51 pm ET | Updated Jul 18, 2011

We must all sympathize with Maria Shriver. Of all the women the ex-Governor had to knock up (have an affair with, sleep with, those terms don't quite sound right) did he really have to take Maria's maid (nice sound that)?

Does Arnie not know how tres difficile it is these days to find domestics that are not only loyal but who have old-fashioned training and will put the starch in his shirts? Well, maybe he did find that out. But the housekeeper was Maria's territory. And you don't mess with a woman's cleaning staff. Dumb twenty-something assistants and lazy interns who run around the house dressed inappropriately in shorts and tight tanks, we understand the desire to give them "extra duties."

Even relations with nannies looking to climb up the food chain ladder showing their tan legs and their sympathy, but the housekeeper? No wonder Maria moved out. Since the housekeeper in question left in January, imagine how dirty their Palisades mansion must be. Maybe Arnold's picking up a vacuum these days, or swinging a broom handle in those deserted rooms. Not since Jefferson has a politician been so stupid. Sexing where you sleep? Non, non, non.

"The best activities for your health are pumping and humping" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

Perhaps the "Austrian Oak" took his former immigrant status seriously and was merely trying to elevate a member of his "house staff." Of course the former Gov wouldn't want to call his housekeeper by any of the synonyms previously known for a housekeeper: servant (not pc), biddy (sounds old), chambermaid (that sounds sexy), damsel (I've seen pictures of the woman, she was no damsel), handmaiden (I'm sure she handmaidened Arnold in that department.

"As you know, I'm an immigrant. I came over here as an immigrant, and what gave me the opportunities, what made me to be here today, is the open arms of Americans [and handmaidens]. I have been received ..." - Arnold Schwarzenegger.

One reason I relish being a mistress is that the wives lose everything important. For instance, amongst Arnold's crowd there is the actor who slept with the nanny and the wife had to fire her and do the school runs and the schlepping herself. There was the producer who slept with the couples' trainer. Gone were morning ab workouts and the wife is left high and flabby in the end.
If a man would seek out a mistress, a true honest-to-godness mistress, wives wouldn't be caught short of help, turn angry and perhaps the marriages would be saved. This is why I say it until I'm weary, a mistress is so important.

Where are the experienced mistresses to save all the marriages out there? I'm starting a course; Homework For Homewreckers. A professional mistress would not 1) get pregnant, 2) tattle to the tabloids or 3) disrupt a mutually-beneficial power-seeking political couple (please tell me Maria didn't know about the rumored others we've been hearing about forever).

"Why do men turn to mistresses?" many a wife has asked in despair. But I ask why wouldn't a man want a mistress? Men need a sex-loving woman who is eager to make his time with her exciting. It's really that simple.

A man of means will strike a mutually beneficially arrangement with a discreet woman who knows the way to his heart isn't through a bowl of Brunwurst and Sauerkraut. And he'll find the way to her heart is through his checkbook. Bling a ding ding.

I'm a mistress and I love it. I have seen the other side. I tried marriage and I don't understand the attraction. It's such hard work. I mean, I had to organize the maids, the chef, assistants, chauffeurs, gardeners. All that staff. Exhausting! But I can't imagine doing without them.

I have to think, in my experience that a lot still goes back to the "fault" of the wives. In Ruth Smyther's 1894 book Sex Tips for Husbands and Wives, Smythers gives the following advice "give little, give seldom and above all give grudgingly." Well, that advice has certainly stuck. I know a few who "give it" only on birthdays and anniversaries. I know this to be a fact -- because I know the husbands. There is this advice:

"Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. Arguments, nagging, scolding and bickering prove very effective ..."

Whether it's the "fault" of the wife or the "fault" of all those little Hercules out there, men have got to stop "dumbing down." No offense to the nannies, trainers, housekeepers of the world looking for a little action, but men, it really is worth maintaining a pampered, well-manicured, doting and discreet mistress. Money well spent. And your wife can still have her clean house.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house" - Zsa Zsa Gabor