Dear Mr. President: About Those Bonuses...
Word comes today that you find the nearly $20 billion Wall Street paid itself in bonuses (boni?) this year excessive and "shameful." I can see where you might think so, unaccustomed as you are to the needs of moguls, executives, lawyers, bankers, traders and other folk whose lifestyles require an annual infusion of cash to keep them going.
There's so much suffering going on across our nation right now. The maintenance of this form of compensation helps prevent its spread on a much wider scale.
My personal bonus is only a small fraction of that total sum, of course, topping out at no more than several hundred million in this down market. As a consequence I and those like me are tightening our belts and preparing for a long, cold recession. There are those I know on the Street who are right now making plans to eat at home on Friday nights and forgoing the mid-winter vacation to Gstaad.
My friend Armbruster is a case in point. His base salary is only $1.4 million per year. That may sound like a lot, but it's well under a million after taxes. On that, he must:
-- support two ex-wives and their no-good, live-in boyfriends;
-- pay for colleges for his own children and four step-children;-- maintain mortgages and maintenance fees on residences in New York, Los Angeles, Aspen and (for his aging mother) Cabo san Lucas;
-- purchase and insure six automobiles for himself, wives, children, etc.;
-- treat the extended family to vacations and holiday festivals that are the primary means of keeping members of the extended clan cognizant of each other's existence;
-- have an occasional bit of fun himself.
All without touching his principal, which is invested in financial instruments that, while solid enough, are not bullet-proof in this environment.
Is it any wonder that his face will droop when he sees that his bonus, for which he worked no less hard than last year, has fallen into the mere seven digits? What will his cash flow look like in November?
So please, Mr. President. We in the business community are behind you 100% in your efforts to save our economy with no help from the former party in power. But as you go, please be sensitive to the human cost that you may exact from those who can least afford to bear it.
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Folks, Stanley is being tongue in cheek. This is satire.
So this was a "real" explanation?
And here is middle class America in disbelief...not that you / your group make so much money...but the audacity with which you write...so out of touch with everyday Americans.
Don't just complain, do something about it. write your senator now at www.ReturnTheBonus.com
Template and email provided.
BONUS! Give them a coffee mug for a bonus like every other company.
This blog is an example of wry humor. Isn't it Mr Bing-whoever you are?
I have some suggestions for Armbruster:
Children - sorry but daddy can't pay for school anymore. Bring up your grades and apply for scholarships and grants or take out student loans. Be prepared to have to work part time while you are in school.
Sell Los Angeles, Aspen and Cabo san Lucas residences. Bring aging mom to live with you in New York.
Sell all but one car. On second thought sell all the cars. We have great public transportation in NYC and we don't need cars. There is also ZIP car if you really must drive somewhere. The wife and children should be working and paying for their own cars.
The extended family comes to NY for the holidays, if they actually want to be cognizant of each others existence. Invest in air mattresses so everyone is comfortable. No catering or eating out. Time to learn to use that Chef's kitchen in your NY apartment. Family vacation once a year to Disneyworld, Williamsburg, VA, Six Flags, etc. only for kids under 18. All others must contribute cash.
Tell the ex-wives that you have hired an attorney to stop alimony payments and and you will no longer be supporting them. They are old enough to support themselves now.
There are many ways to have a bit of fun in New York for free. http://www.clubfreetime.com/new_york.asp Your resourceful employees have taken advantage of this in order to survive on the wages you pay them.
Its impossible to live in the New York area for what the President makes - even with one wife and two kids.
Are you kidding? You are, right?
Is this a joke?
This HAS to be a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!
In case that it isn't:
Alright, Stanley, you try doing all that stuff making 25K a year.
Because that's where Americans are. Honestly, I only wish I made 25k a year.
Are you trying to imply that rich people have more problems, more friends and family to spend money on?
Are you seriously saying that it is impossible to support two ex wives without making a million dollars a year?
Tell that to the guy in the trailer park with two ex wives and six kids. He'll laugh too.
If you are not serious, you should really work on your sarcasm. It doesn't come through in your writing; just makes you sound pompous.
What's a bonus? Been working all my life (i'm 58) and have never had a bonus. How did I ever survive?
Same here...
In a company I worked for we used to get awards as sales incentives - points we could trade in for gifts. Then we were taxed on the reported dollar value of the gifts. It made it not worth it in the long run.
What about perks and fringe benefits? Were your country club dues paid for? Did you get to use the company car? did you get to see any of the games from the company's skybox? Did you or family get to stay in the corporate penthouse? Did you take advantage of the free financial and tax planning services offered to execs?
What's a bonus? I'm 58, worked all my life and have never had a bonus. How EVER did I survive?
The Real Joke here
Wait for it...... Way back in In 1798, Thomas Malthus published An Essay on the Principle of Population, his basic premise was the food production would never keep up with human population growth (back then the world population was less than a billion people) In 1968 When Paul Ehrlich wrote The Population Bomb he was predicting massive starvation (if memory serves) in twenty or thirty years.
Neither one of them said anything about the first signs of the massive die-off. The first signs are incredible disproportional distribution of wealth. As population increases the poor give more and more of their wealth to the few, of course most people just think the 'economy is growing' but actually the population growing is what is creating most of the wealth along with the depletion of resources at an increasing rate.
The fat cats on Wall Street wouldn't have had 18 billion in bonuses if that was the total wealth of the world..(like it was when the world population was much smaller). Isn't it great? This is one of the first indicators of the Apocalypse.....
Tax the hell out of them. When they send there money over seas, lock all of them up in Bernies penthouse with a guard at the door so the only way out is through the window.
Yes, the upkeep of a cocoon can be costly. How else do you think we disconnected, insulated few can sleep at night or look at ourselves in the mirror when putting on clothes that cost more than some ordinary working folks earn in a year?
Cindy McSame wore an outfit at the Repub Convention that cost twice as much as my house is worth (now)...
I enjoy irony as much as the next person and while, as a business owner I am struggling in this economy I thank God I am "surviving. Nonetheless, having watched that 60 minutes piece last week about the family that all lived in one home to try to survive it is difficult for me to find any humor in either the gist of this piece or the audacity of the republicans. We need to try whatever we can people are committing suicide over their lost dreams....Sorry
nothing left for the Miss tresses? OH NO!
indeed, the silent victims!
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