Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Stanley Bing Headshot

Exclusive Bulletins From the Archives of TMZ!

Posted: Updated:

Exclusive! Kinky sex at Caesar's swimming pool! (31 AD) Lazy, no-show emperor Tiberius found in naked sex-romp with underage boys at his lewd and lacivious luxury getaway in Capri! "I like to swim underneath them and grab their junk," perverted Caesar tells an unnamed "member" of his legion. "He'll never survive this," said one Senator. "It's better for him to resign right now." [more...]

Exclusive pics! Ben Franklin gets lapdance from French cutie! Royalists in Pennsylvania legislature are now calling for his resignation, but friends of the randy roue assured TMZ that the eccentric diplomat intends to "hang in there" no matter what revelations are made about what his "poor Richard" is up to... [more]

Exclusive! President Buchanan is gay! Rumors have been swirling for years about the dignified perpetual bachelor, but TMZ can now confirm that sources close to sources have seen the foppish Prez "bending over a page when he's done with his reading." [more]

Exclusive! Behind the scenes peek in the President Lincoln's history of mental illness! (1863) "He was close to suicide there a couple of times back in Illinois," says a former friend from Unshaven Abe's woodsplitting days. High ranking operatives in the President's own Republican party are now asking the President to release his medical records or face impeachment. In the meantime, war operations against the South are on permanent hold while the media and Congress investigate this matter. "His wife isn't right in the head either," said another source... [more]

Exclusive interview with Leon Czolgosz, the man who allegedly shot President McKinley! (1901) "He got what was coming to him," says the darkly handsome, intense young anarchist, who loves dogs and likes to summer in the Finger Lakes not far from where he fired the fatal shot. The President at the time of his death facing unnamed allegations and calls to resign from a number of sources close to TMZ. "I'm really a good person," the charismatic gunman adds, going on to say that... [more]

Hey! Who's running the nation, Woody!? (1919) Sources close to the White House reveal exclusively to TMZ that President Wacky Woodman Wilson had "a serious brain incident" sometime in the last several months, and that his wife, the long, lean and oh-so crafty Edith (who we hear likes to bathe in the nude) is now running the country, to which we ask, "Who elected YOU, dearie?" [more...]

Exclusive! Icky Eleanor is a lesbian! (1932)... Calls come from both sides of the aisle for FDR resignation, but so far nobody has asked to see the "steamy" pictures of Easy Ellie in her love nest with hottie Lorena "Hump Me" Hickok... [more]

Exclusive! Priapic Ike in love tryst with his driver, sexy Kay Summersby! (1944) They don't call her "OK Kay" for nothing! Intense pressure on "Gotta Have It Every Hour" Eisenhower to step down from his post as the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in Europe, but rumors are widespread that something even more important is planned for early June of this year. We'll tell you all about that when we find out from our sources in Yorkville... [more...]

Exclusive! JFK in all-day sex binge with... everybody!" (1962) "He just can't keep it in his pants!" says one lucky housemaid. Calls for resignation have come from... [more]

Exclusive! J. Edgar Hoover's Naughty Undies Caught On Tape! (1958) Congressional sources who insist on anonymity are calling for an investigation into the allegations that Horny Hoover never looked into organized crime because they've got the pics of his frilly panties. [more...]

Exclusive! Loony Lyndon in Gross Potty Parade! (1965) Numerous White House officials tell TMZ that the President Johnson routinely has meetings with aides and others while he's sitting on the toilet! Calls have come from the Legion of Decency and other super-moral groups for the President's resignation. If he leaves, we hope he pulls up his pants first! [more]

And more to come! Send in your bulletins from the past, when there was no digital space to protect us from all the guys who, you know, lack the good judgment necessary to be our leaders!

All appropriate links to these actual historical events that occurred before we had all this information at our fingertips may be found at www.stanleybing.com.