More Tricks for Tricky Tricksters

...in which we continue ascertaining how one retires while still working...

We've got some very serious tricksters here. Hang on to your hair. We're about to get granular -- in a very, very good way.

JS works for a major health-care provider, which I find evocative. He has invented a word I admire: Presenteeism, which I take to evoke the opposite of absenteeism, i.e., the art of being there and not there at the same time. I like it. He also develops somewhat the seemingly ubiquitous "walking around in a serious manner" dodge.

Here's what he has to say:

Presenteeism Perfected: Close office door. Put phone on Do Not Disturb. Turn high-backed chair towards the door and scatter numerous files, decks, and reports on the credenza. (Optional: Wear telephone headset). Then read a book, nap, catch up on the sports pages. The brave few who peer into the window will see someone apparently deeply immersed in research. Continue until lunch or happy hour.

The Great Escape: Built on an old reporter's trick. You can go almost anywhere if you carry some paperwork, stride briskly, and look purposeful. Pack up a few files, the newspaper or other reading materials. Then walk confidently (but not too fast, so you don't get tired) through every hallway and corridor of the building. Look concerned and lost in thought. Stop in the cafeteria for coffee. Take the shuttle bus to the other buildings on campus and repeat, sampling all cafeterias and assorted nooks. When fatigued, select a small conference room, sit down, and catch up on your reading or make calls to your bookie. After a full tour of the entire complex, return to your building relaxed and exercised. See, you just saved yourself hundreds of dollars in health club dues. At a large enough organization, this ritual can consume an entire working day. I know. I've done it. Warning: Avoid areas where your presence would be conspicuous, like the chairman's private elevator, the security office, or the loading dock. That's reserved for the Teamsters.

Thanks, JS. It's good to know my health claims are in good hands.

JS's thoughts are subtle enough, but they must stand tall indeed to compete with the trick perfected by a guy we'll just call SF, who employs what he calls High-Yield Communication, which he defines as:

The process of periodically sending out a work-related email - anytime between 10pm and 3:45 am - to a reasonable number of superiors, colleagues, and direct reports alike so as to "confirm": (1) for your superiors that you are a dedicated, hard-working employee who is an integral member of the team and who is due of an immediate promotion, raise, or perk; (2) for your colleagues that any promotions, raises, or perks you receive are well-deserved - or at least not something with which you can openly take issue; (3) for your direct reports that their boss' ability to conduct business at all hours of the day should guide them accordingly.

These, while excellent, are altogether dwarfed by the work (or non-work, depending) of DH, who resides in the Big (indolent) Apple, and has extensive and valuable cogitations on the utilization of the Project Update as a key executrick.

"Distinguished and Hirsute Panel of Judges," he writes, completely oblivious to the actual state of my panel's hirsuteness, if such there be:

The Project Update

An executrick I frequently employ that never fails to keep up appearances, while allowing for frequent disappearances from the bondage of office, is the Project Update.

With the Project Update executrick, one sends delicately worded and strategically timed emails, or leaves carefully rehearsed voicemails, (the latter aided by index cards covering succinct talking points, never more than ONE, in order to avoid the verbal miscue that could expose one's inertia), alerting the supervising, More Senior Exec of the ongoing hum of activity and due diligence surrounding the Project.

The Project Update is at once a capsule description of the work underway and a promotional blurb of the Project's more exciting or salient aspects, (particularly as they relate to the firm's newly launched brand proposition, the "essential function" of one's corporate department or group, or the More Senior Exec's upward mobility). On another level, Project Update is a hardy, shoulder-squeezing assurance of confidence given to your More Senior Exec specific to his assignment of said project to YOU.

Expressed another way, the Project Update is a Celebration of Work, of Toil, of, well, Drudgery, that relieves you from the Drudgery of actually doing the work. At least for a time, or until the More Senior Exec abandons the Project in favor of another, more creative business solution.

For Project Update emails, pithy subject lines, analogous to New York Post headlines, will effectively trumpet the banal.

Here are two that will help manage both the quantitative and qualitative expectations of senior management with respect to the project:

• "Project Update"
• "Project Update & Timeline of Deliverables"

Strenuously avoid creative impulses when drafting the email subject lines of your Project Updates. Work is miserable, a bitch. The body copy of the email is the appropriate context for subtle, but controlled flourishes regarding the present status of your project.

Following, are several examples. Masters of the Project Update claim these messages are all one ever needs!

Hey [INSERT Bill, Janet, or Duke] Executrick Note: Don't worry if none of these are the actual name of your More Senior Exec. You're BUSY. Nose to the grindstone with the Project, as is evident in the slip.

"Project underway..."

"Great progress..."

"One can easily expect the final report to be dramatically revealing!"

Talk to ya...

-D

Use care to avoid any mention of milestone due dates or project deadline. After all, you're working your butt off and sending Project Updates in order to deliver this thing on time.

Thanks, DH of NY, NY. I'm agog. And that's saying something.

That's all for this week. I'm exhausted. This much thought about non-working can be very taxing! Take the rest of the week off, why don'tcha.

Previously:
Executricks Contest: The Party of the Third Part
Executricks Contest, Part Deux: More Good Stuff
Executricks Contest: Everybody's A Winner! (Until I Make Up My Mind)
Send Us Your Executricks: A Contest For Those Who Seek To Retire While They're Still Working

Comments

[dadw5boys]

Who thinks of this stuff a Republican.

If your getting paid work or quit and get out of the way.

[SD61]

Great stuff.