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What a Fine Royal Wedding It Was!

04/29/2011 08:36 am ET | Updated Jun 29, 2011

Well, after all the hoopla and the pipes and drums and fabulous global marketing and crazy stuff like that, it was really a very nice, simple affair. I'm sure that all of us who were there had a very good time.

Of course, it was a bit of a hassle getting to the church on time! The crowd was very large, and it seemed that all the fat people positioned themselves in the doorways just in spite. And the groom's family! They will stand around in little clusters and talk talk talk. You couldn't hardly squeeze by them to your seat. And the hats! That one with all the fake jewels that the old lady in the front was wearing was a real hoot. But what can you say? They're a successful bunch, and you gotta play the game that got you here. She's not going to change her stripes at her age, and the hat's certainly worked for her so far.

The bride and the groom were very beautiful, and happy together. They seemed to lack that certain shyness that a couple about to be married and whisked off to the marriage chamber for the first time usually have, but more power to them. Young people have a lot more experience of the world than their grandparents did, that's for sure, and who knows, they may know each other a bit better than our folks did when they walked down the aisle. There's certainly no denying that they seemed happy together, and that should make us all feel pretty good about things, at least for the few minutes we have to spend on this sort of thing before we go back to focusing on all the other issues in the world that usually occupying most of our interest.

I always get a good laugh when the groom has trouble breaking the glass at the end of the ceremony and this occasion was no different. He hopped around on that little crystal goblet for so long you'd think one of his fraternity brothers put in a trick one. But no, he eventually popped it good and the resounding "Mazel Tov!" that filled Westminster Abbey brought tears to more than one eye in the house.

I have to report that there really wasn't much food, at least not for awhile. There were hors d'oeuvres galore somewhere in the place, but for the most part there were about 1000 people milling around looking for a cocktail frank and trying to kill the guy in front of them to get to the bar, which was no easy feat, particularly if you found yourself behind one of those big-bottomed dowagers. Yikes! The whole place was pretty hungry and thirsty before the plated entrees began making their way around. I think I saw Prince Philip over in a corner taking a few nips from a flask he had secreted in his jodphurs, but maybe it was Regis Philbin.

As I anticipated, I got a pretty lousy table. I could barely see the happy couple and the members of their entourage. I was seated way in the back near the doors to the kitchen, and the waiters zipping back and forth with their trays made a horrific clatter through much of the meal. Our waiter was a scrawny, lazy fellow who had to be bribed to bring us our food, which we got later than most of the room, and we basically had to buy extra bottles of red, white and rose from the wine steward with constant tips and schmoozing. I didn't catch all the names, but I think I was seated with the Duke and Dutchess of Massengill, the Baron and Baroness of Wieseltier, the Thane of Cawdor, who came stag, and Barry Manilow. It took about eight bottles of whatever it was they were serving to the back of the room to get the conversation going, I can tell you that.

When it came, the dinner was okay. The brisket was a little too dry, I'll be honest with you, and the side dishes were slightly limp and overcooked. The best part was the appetizers, in my opinion, but really, it's pretty hard to screw up stuffed derma.

Anyway, we all got pretty loaded, and by the time Willy and Kate headed out to the car in front of the palace everybody was in a pretty good mood. They took off in their limo with the shoes tied on the back and all, and we threw the arborial rice that the old lady had mandated be used for the occasion, and then it was time to go. Frankly, I'm pretty glad it's over. These affairs are always more fun in retrospect than they are in real time, don't you think?

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