"My son wants to wear nail polish."
"My daughter wants her hair cut very short."
These are real-life situations that parents of young children I know have faced. And while many parents would seek to tamp down such expression out of fear for their child's safety -- or even outrage at his or her defiance of how boys and girls "ought to be" -- I have a very different response. I argue that parents should encourage their children to express themselves as they want.
I am the head of Gender Spectrum, a San Francisco-based organization for families of boys and girls who don't conform to conventional gender stereotypes. I know that not every little girl wants to be a princess, nor does every boy want to be a cowboy or superhero. Yet for far too long, society's response to these children has been either silence or mockery. It is time for this to change.
While society has changed a great deal over the last few decades, the notion of rigid gender roles continues to thrive in ways that play no small part in our children's upbringing. As parents, we instruct gender, but so too do the media, schools, and religious institutions. Gender roles and expectations become intricately woven into the fabric of our beings without our even realizing it.
Through my work over the past two decades with parents, I have found that it can consequently be incredibly hard for parents to simply allow their children to express themselves. But this is only even an issue because many of the things children naturally want to do, and the ways children naturally want to express themselves have had a stamp of gender added to them. Hairstyles, toys, and clothing preferences have no innate gender, yet few of us hesitate to attach a gender to them.
I argue that our basic values as parents should not change simply because we are thinking about our sons rather than our daughters, or vice versa. The important question isn't whether this style of dress, toy, or nail polish is appropriate for a son or daughter; it's whether it's appropriate for a child.
These things are not expressions of gender -- they are natural expressions of self. If we simply love and support our children equally, without judging their expression based on their gender, we are then free to focus on instilling the values that are really important to us.
We tell our kids to be who they are and unashamed of their differences. Yet when it comes to gender expression, we still struggle. We think: Should I allow my child to cross this line? Where is the line, anyway? What will the neighbors, teachers, and grandparents think? Won't I be setting him up for teasing? Won't I be encouraging him to be gay?
We want our children to be appreciated and accepted, but we parents also want to be approved of and accepted. This creates a sad double standard.
It is normal to feel that social change takes away our sense of security. Each generation has these struggles with their children. But it is a natural part of social growth. It is time to let go. When a child spends his or her time regulating the mannerisms he or she adopts, or what he or she wears or plays, it detracts from the same energy that children can put towards learning and creative or athletic expression.
How do we allow our children to throw off sexist notions of self-expression, while still keeping them safe? My answer is clear: Colors are colors, toys are toys, clothes are clothes, and hair is hair. Each person is entitled to express his or individuality and personal preferences to the extent that it does not hurt anyone else. We do not disrespect others, we honor everyone's choice to express themselves, and we self-correct if we lapse into judgment ourselves. It is up to us, to each family, to instill these values for the future.
Equally important is that the same values are reinforced at school. At Gender Spectrum, we have worked with countless children in their classrooms, and can vouch that children are ready for these changes. Education merely requires age-appropriate discussion of matters such as how some girls prefer short hair and some boys want to play with dolls. There is no agenda other than understanding and acceptance. Kids of all ages are receptive to and ready for these conversations. From there, our guidelines are simple: If we honor and respect one another, we can all get along.
More and more parents are living these guidelines every day. At the end of July, Gender Spectrum will hold its annual Family Conference, which will bring hundreds of gender-nonconforming children and teenagers, their families, and allies together. For a few days, they will have the opportunity to see that they are not alone, to learn from each other, and to attend a wide range of programming on the different facets of the gender-nonconforming experience.
But of course, it all begins at home. Should you allow your son to wear nail polish out of the house? If he likes it, why not? Wearing nail polish will not make him gay; it will not make him transgender. It just may make him happy.
Logan Lynn: The Dangers of Being a Girly Boy
Jeffery Self: Little Boy Witches
If I think of how my parents might have supported me to be brave, dedicated, and powerful to reach my academic goals and to succeed in sports, rather than all of the negativity and berating for not "fitting in", not wearing dresses, and not wanting my hair in braids and ribbons, I could be a much more successful person today. I am so glad that this organization exists, and that this is being talked about. Really folks, what is more important to you? That your kids have good self esteem and succeed in whatever they set out to do, or that they look like everyone else? And what serves you more as an adult? Are we really doing our kids a favor by passing on our fears and self imposed limitations? Don't we want more for our children, for them to have it better than we did? It starts with the simple stuff. Love thy neighbor as thyself. The more you love yourself for who you are, the more there is to give to the world around you.
Bullies raise bullies, and bullies are those who blame the victim.
1) The groups that USUALLY promote these studies also push their left wing social agendas. This is against every dictate that education is supposed to stand for.
2) What you think should be acceptable isn't reality in many cases. There are reasons why society has guardrails and norms.
3) "I argue that parents should encourage their children to express themselves as they want." This attitude is PART of the problem with American culture today and a number of youth problems. This really got hold in the 60's and with Progressive education reforms. The idea is to kick down the guardrails that society has established and disrupt the parent/child relationship. The idea that children should be allowed to express themselves like they want leads them into behaviours that are unacceptable and or illegal.
Now, I know a lot of people will disagree with me, that's your right, but history and the words/writings of these people are a source that cannot be denied, deflected, or refuted. Many of these groups/people have an ideal of a free society where everyone's whims are deemed acceptable, as long as no one gets hurt. Well, reality has proven unequivocally that people do get hurt when children are not controlled. If you think it is proper for a child to freely express themselves, then I hope that you don't have children.
I grew up in times when the slightest gender-non-conformity wasn't tolerated by *anyone.* And it sure didn't make for peaceful or productive learning environments, either.
I think it's the Right that supports the bullying and ostracization and is terrified of the slightest deviation from the view of people *they* demand everyone be indoctrinated with without the slightest bit more, cause they *know* how it's *their* view that can only be imposed by force and exclusion.
And how they're running out of scapegoats.
And how the kids, ever-increasingly, just ain't buying it anymore.
I was talking to my 17yo niece and 23yo daughter about earrings. We had seen a guy with, 1in gauging in his ears. My niece has much smaller gaugesso she noticed them. I was telling them that 'back in my day' men did not wear earrings - if they did, they were very likely to get beat up. How times have changed. As my daughter put it "Nowadays, the guys with earrings are more likely todothe beating up."
What we consider a norm today, might be completely different in 30yrs. And things change precisely because people realize how arbitrary and unnecessary some of those cultural barriers are.
So, I ask, why should a boy not wear nail polish? Why can't a girl have reallyshort hair? Why can't a girl play cowboys-n-indians and a boy play with dolls? Our children will be both happier and healthier if we stop telling them the harmless things they like are somehow wrong and focus on discouraging only those things that really ARE dangerous - like street drugs or unprotected sex with random strangers. Kids figure out early on that a lot of what they are being told is arbitrary and has no basis in actual danger so when you tell them about the things that really ARE dangerous, they just might not believe you. They may assume you are just making more arbitrary rules for them.
I would also like to say that although parents are a great part of the equation, kids should also be taught that it is okay to like different things. I remember being six years old and asking for a doll for Christmas, not because I wanted it, but because I thought it was what a girl was supposed to want, and that maybe if I had a pretty one I would be more interested in it.
I never played with it, and felt very guilty.
Then my best friend and I started playing with my brother's action figure, inventing scenarios where they would die horribly, I had my hait cut short, and everything was fine.