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5 Reasons to Make Your Ex a Dating Profile (With an Example!)

02/12/2015 04:58 pm ET | Updated Mar 21, 2015

Creating an Online Dating Profile For Your Ex Is An Idea Whose Time Has Come and Here's Why!

1. You're divorced and have moved on in an appropriate manner, (you were always the healthier one!) but your ex is still "mopey" (in that same way that tempted you to give them a haircut in their sleep when you were married to them. Snip! There, now they'll REALLY have something to mope about!) or they simply haven't developed that "confident attitude" yet. However, the two of you have stayed civil and you'd like to help this person (whom you supposedly cared enough about to take vows with) get "out there" with a friendly little (okay, big) shove.

2. It's been quite some time after your split and somehow you got signed up to pay spousal support for (a) the rest of the duration of your ex's natural life OR (b) until he/she remarries. How to shorten this outcome? (Hint: I'm talking about option b - - that's the moral/ethical one!) Writing a dating profile on their behalf can abbreviate this time span significantly!

3. Nobody knows your ex like you do, right? Therefore, writing a personal ad for them will actually lessen the future divorce rate for subsequent marriages in our society. Your personal ad will reflect accurate reality and allow the new potential suitor (or suit-ess in the case of an ex-husband) to do their due diligence completely online! But you must be fair and honest in your description and respond to all follow-up questions courteously and without intent to sabotage.

4. You have kids and you would very much like to steer your ex toward a quality individual so that you can sleep at night knowing he/she won't bring Charlie Manson or Paris Hilton to your children's back-to-school night. In other words ... yes! You ARE a control freak.

5. Your ex is still very much obsessed with the past and drives you crazy trying to go back in time to rewrite history with statements that begin with, "If only we would have ____________, we would still be married today." They may fill in the blank with any of the following:

If only we would have . . .

  • Dated longer before tying the knot
  • Had better communication
  • Had more sex
  • Had less sex
  • Put a lock on the refrigerator
  • Had double sinks
  • Had 'His & Her' bank accounts
  • Had a slight inkling that cheating would be destructive
  • Gagged your mother
  • Worn coordinating Halloween costumes like Romeo & Juliet or John & Lorena Bobbitt
You get the idea. They dwell forever and have an unrealistic idea about reconciling. They need a real life distraction with a new relationship! Right? Right.

Here is the profile I wrote for my ex-husband and examples of follow-up correspondence.

Dog-Eared & Threadbare But Still Looks Okay, Even Thru Lots of Marital Stress!

Versatile aged man who could pass for 42 (if you don't keep up with your optometrist) but could also sneak by for 65 (and often will do so to get a senior discount at the movies) seeks loving female who gets that "he works hard all day and when he comes home would just like a little peace and quiet, some good food, and sex." Is that too much to ask for?" The preceding was a direct quote I can replay for you on my old answering machine. Just call me on my landline after 10 a.m. (I can't stomach hearing it any earlier than that.) You'll understand six months in.

He'll be your biggest fan and your best friend in every way you can think of...except will NOT go shopping, compliment your appearance, help around the house, make you a surprise party, or hold your hair back during morning sickness, which everyone knows is really all-day sickness - - but pleeease be beyond that stage of your life! Makes a mean pot of chili for Super Bowl Sunday and handles things well when he gets a cold. No acting like a big baby on the sofa with a 99.5 temperature for this dude. Nuh uh. But buck up yourself, girlfriend because if you get the flu, he's very titty for tatty.

Treats your family nice when they're over, but afterwards might make a few off- color jokes about the low-cut dress your sister wore. But hey, at least he notices fashion! Note: He WILL always say "your ass looks great in those jeans" (regardless of how much of a bubble butt you have) because he's learned this earns him a little somethin'/somethin' later that night, so definitely do NOT go by him when you're getting dressed for an evening out. Sorry!

Great with cars, (driving, washing and repairing) and will even stop to ask directions (only after you've been cruising around lost for at least 10 minutes) but overreacts if you drive over a curb, back into a pole, or smash into a parking attendant booth, causing your car to get banned from the doctor's office forever. You'll hear this story plenty and you must laugh each time. (See below.) Supportive of your career if it's math- or science-related but if you're a writer, have a ready-made list completely memorized of what it is you exactly do all f-ing day long.

ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR IN THE NEW WOMAN: Flexible, (physically and emotionally) gullible, sweet, able to look well-kept on a budget, possess a patient sense of humor (ability to laugh enthusiastically at the same joke over and over again as if you are a virgin audience) and you must have a positive nature (the washing machine isn't old and broken, it's quaint and charming!)

HIS IDEA OF A REALLY GOOD FIRST DATE: Not to spoil any fun or surprises for you, but do dress in something you won't care gets ruined. And eat lots of protein beforehand. (Oh, and bring a single sharp knitting needle and some feathers)

More Questions? Contact me at: EveryoneDeservesASecondChanceJustNotWithMe@gmail.com

Dear Ex-Wife

Hi there - - Everything sounds pretty typical here with the no shopping and no compliments, but can you tell me if he would ever be open to breakfast in bed ?

Signed,

Betty Sue

Dear B.S.

Yes, he'll be on the receiving end any weekend morning. Oh, silly me. Did you mean will he ever serve YOU brunch in bed? On Mother's Day and sometimes Valentine's Day, but you have to be okay with runny eggs because he once overcooked them and I made the mistake of complaining so now he overcompensates. (Or else he's just vindictive.)

Dear Ex-Wife,

Hi and thank you for telling it like it is. What about talking? Does he? And will he simply listen without always trying to solve or fix everything?

Signed,

Please More Sincerity

Dear P.M.S.

He will stay very quiet and let you talk, but you should occasionally check to make sure he hasn't completely tuned you out. I used to occasionally interrupt my droning monologues by seductively saying, "... and he was an incredible lover and we went at it all night long" just to see if he would jolt forward and say, "Huh??"

With regards to him trying to fix everything. Do not worry your pretty little head. He'll fix absolutely nothing. Especially if it's in desperate need of repair.

Dear Ex-Wife

Good idea to write your ex's profile but you don't mention money very much. Did you get jewelry? Taken out for meals? What about vacations, live-in maids and weekly massages? Thank you for your answer, not that this is any of your concern anymore.

Signed,

Just Appreciates Pleasure

Dear J.A.P.

This may NOT concern me anymore, but You REALLY need to respond to a different profile.

Dear Ex-Wife,

Hey! So what exactly does he look like? On a scale of 1-10, what did your friends think about him? I really can't be with a guy who is losing his hair, is shorter than I am, or has that little stomach paunch thing going on.

Signed,

Some Have A Little Less Of Worth

Dear S.H.A.L.L.O.W.

You must be gorgeous. Life must be perfect. Your manicure never chips. And you're still looking for your significant other because...?

Well there you have it! A totally new concept in "Dating After Divorce!" I will be starting my own website where you too, can make a profile exactly like the one above for your own ex, so stay tuned for your chance to submit something at "MySpouseisNotaCompleteLouse.com." Please leave an indication in the comment section below whether I should hold space for a 100% straight text profile (with endless scrolling for vivid descriptions) or a visual profile. (Let's face it, you can easily get the job done with a single photo and a short video clip of your ex in the shower.)

Good luck!

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