What Do the Hackers Say?

03/26/2015 10:29 am ET | Updated May 25, 2015

Yahoo recently issued a warning for all us users to change our passwords due to compromised email accounts by Hackers. There's just one problem. I forgot my password three months ago and the answer to my security question as well.

Too many people knew that my childhood dog was called Ginger (big Gilligan's Island fan) so I decided to be tricky and pick one of my favorite authors instead of a canine name. But now I've got brain-fog (universal menopausal symptom #11, google it) over which writer I picked way back then. I've already tried Hemingway and Fitzgerald.

Turns out you can't change your password to something new unless you know the old one. So the good news is, all I need to do is 1) CounterHack into my own account when the hacker is looking the other way or going to the bathroom 2) get my old password back 3) Reset it to keep him out for good. Viola!

As you can tell by this post so far, I'm a "Hack Writer" so I think it's rather fitting that I be one of the first people getting hacked. However If I'm not successful at a "Hackback," which is quite likely since I don't drive a hatchback, I never had a knack for Hackeysack, (clearly a drawback!) so just cut me some slack. Having said all that, (and not very easily, mind you!) perhaps I can persuade my Professional Hacker to answer a few questions about my emails instead?

So Mr. Hacker, if you're reading this -- I just need to satisfy my curiosity before you lock me out of my account forever.

C'mon just tell me this much -- while you were poking around inside my Inbox, did you happen to notice if my novel got an acceptance letter from an agent? Or if my old boyfriend ever got back to me about meeting for coffee to see if we could rekindle something?

Man, this dog/author password thing is gonna drive me crazy. Was it John Grisham? Anne Rice? Dr. Seuss?

To be honest, I'm feeling rather embarrassed (and violated) thinking of hackers inside my personal email. My mother always taught me to wear the proverbial nice underwear in case of a car accident (I once went into Victoria's Secret asking to see something lacy in their "Paramedic Panty" Line) and I was raised to keep my room tidy because what would the robbers think? I always made sure my diary was grammatically correct in case it fell into the hands of some snoopy English teacher. So you can't really fault me for being worried about what the hackers would say?

Wow! It's on the tip of my brain... Is it Danielle Steel? Tom Clancy? Nicholas Sparks?

I imagine hacking is lonely work so they must do it in pairs. I'd like you to meet, "Mr and Mrs. Hacker." Let's listen in, shall we?

Mr Hacker -- Will you get out of her Nordstrom's account and her high school reunion emails already? We have a job to do. Let's just get in, get out, and get on with the identity theft. (rubs hands together)

Mrs. Hacker -- Shame. She never did lose those last 5 pounds to fit into this killer red dress. I don't think I want to take on her name if I have to use her height AND weight on my driver's license too.

Mr. Hacker -- Focus Harriet, Focus.

Mrs. Hacker (pouting) -- We never go out anymore. Day in and day out, it's just hack, hack, hack. Hacking my life away. I shoulda listened to my mother and married the Virus Creator Guy. At least then I could have put my romantic flair to good use writing that "I Love You" attachment that messed everyone's hard drive up.

Mr. Hacker -- Stop giving me flack over this hack and stay on track.

Mrs. Hacker -- Honey, you know I always have your back.

Mr. Hacker -- Then don't be such a yakker, put down that graham cracker, and get to work, you Slacker Hacker!

the perfect Hack Snack!

Mrs. Hacker -- Oh look, her Visa bill shows weekly therapy and massages. That's the life.

Mr. Hacker -- Wow, six kids? What was she thinking? No wonder she needs therapy and massage. And who has a childhood dog named Stephen King?

Mrs. Hacker -- This is one bizarre chick. I just went to sabotage her Facebook account but all she does is post about the weather and using a smaller dinner plate.

Mr. Hacker -- Yeah, and look at her personal blog. I thought we might have a little fun messing up her settings and putting up some ugly headers, but she's done a great job of that all on her own. Look at that cheesy cake with all the candles. Geeze.

Mrs. Hacker -- Look, she's got 85 selfies with the same green parakeet in a pet shop, she's planning her own surprise birthday party on Evite, even rsvp-ing to herself, and her bucket list has "make kale chips" listed at the top of it.

Mr. Hacker -- Dang, these Yahoo Users get weirder every day. Next thing you know, we'll come across a rough draft for a story she wants to write about a married Hacker couple. From now on we stick with Google subscribers. C'mon Harriet, let's get the "hack" outa here.

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