My husband and I have split up, and although it was my decision to leave and it remains the right one, it sucks. We were married almost 10 years and have two daughters, so it was a hideous outcome to arrive at after trying so hard not to. Divorce was the less sucky of the two sucky options I saw before me, but that fact doesn't mitigate the suckitude one iota.
That divorce is hard is not news. It's like when people say marriage is hard. It's obvious, a tremendous understatement, and yet when it comes out of someone's mouth, everyone clucks and nods in empathy and truly seems to know exactly what the speaker means, even though they were told nothing. It's so outrageously, undeniably true and universal that it requires no explanation, no elaboration, for people to instantly relate and silently run their minds over their current apparently intractable struggle. When you're going through a life changing personal matter that you'd rather not discuss, lazy, somewhat cliched distillations like that can come in mighty handy. "Divorce is hard" is my go-to summary when well-meaning people ask me how things are going and I sense that they don't want more than a fleeting peek into my emotional life.
I've been grateful for this phrase to hide behind, because I don't really want get into it with neighbors in front of the supermarket as my Phish Food melts onto the sidewalk. I live in a neighborhood I love, (right across the street from where my ex still lives) but it's also gossip pit, Yenta Central. Most of the time, people respect the "divorce is hard" placard I carry and don't probe. But quite a few times I've gotten a response to my attempts to change the subject with "P. and I have split up, and it's really hard," that has pissed me off.
"But you have kids!"
Omigod! I do! You're right! That would explain the Sharpie hieroglyphics on the side of my new mattress and why I have yogurt that comes out of a tube in my freezer! Ooh, also the stretch marks and the mild incontinence when I cough really hard. Mystery solved. I feel much better now.
I realize, of course, that people who blurt out, "But you have kids!" are not informing me of that fact so much as expressing shock and sadness at the idea that children have to suffer for their parents' inability to make their marriage work. And suffer they do. No one can deny the fact that divorce, is, well, hard for kids, too. I'm glad to say that mine seem to be doing well, no doubt because my ex and I handled it as well as two people could and have most always been good at parenting together. Still, unless the spouses are so at war that separation is an obvious improvement (we rarely argued in front of the kids) it's safe to say that most kids would prefer that their parents not break up. Most couples would prefer not to break up, for that matter. Divorce, in case you weren't paying attention, sucks.
Hearing "But you have kids!" made the breakup harder still for me. Every time I heard it, it felt like the "bad mommy" button I seem to have had installed in the delivery room was not just being pressed, but being poked at like the door close elevator button in a busy office building. In those four words -- regardless of what was meant -- I heard, you selfish woman, you should have tried harder, been more self-sacrificing, given up or sucked up or put up with more or less of whatever it would have taken to keep the family intact, because your kids come first. You're a mom. Your pain is to be endured for the sake of sparing them pain. Don't you know that?
The sting of those words has faded over the last year since we split up, and especially in the last few months when I've been able to set up a new home for my daughters, one that they love and find just as comfortable and as much theirs as our old one where they live with their dad half the time. (Hint to newly divorced moms: Say yes to the Wii, even if you swore you'd never go there and would rather they read more. Totally worth it.) I've learned that I'm in many ways a better parent than when I was anxious and unhappy and I was distracted by the tension in my marriage. Having gotten my divorce legs, I'm present and peaceful and able to give to them. Aside from plain wanting to leave a situation that wasn't bringing me joy, I wanted to show my girls what a happy woman who took care of herself and her emotional needs looked like. It will serve them well. Not that I could have done anything else. Still, I'm lucky and grateful that it's working out as well as it is.
The other day, I ran into a neighbor in front of the supermarket. She's a mom I'm fond of whose daughter used to take swimming lessons with mine. I hadn't talked to her since the news broke in our neighborhood. I would have given her the Behind the Music version of my breakup had she asked. But she didn't. She told me that people have tried to gossip with her about our divorce, and she said she tells them that she doesn't know what happened. "I say, I will tell you this: If a woman who has kids gets divorced, you know that she tried everything else before coming to that decision and that she saw no other option. She would never put her kids through that if she didn't have to."
I loved her for defaulting to the idea that of course the decision to leave was not one arrived at lightly and in blithe disregard for the welfare of the children. I loved her still more for understanding that getting out of an unhappy situation sometimes means putting her children second, for a short while, while she rebuilds so that her children and she can be happy. It needn't be an either/or.
I don't know if I was being judged by those who blurted "But you have kids!" or if I was just judging myself. I suspect a little of both. Either way, we could do with a whole lot more assuming the best of moms, in this and all the hard decisions we make.
Follow Stephanie Dolgoff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/formerlyhot
My father died when I was two, military, and my mother chose not to remarry until after my older brother and I were out of the house. She was then diagnosed with cancer and died four years after the remarriage. I'd really love to know the ACTUAL percentage of children who grow up unscathed by anything, period: abduction, external abuse, familial abuse, death of immediate family members, cultural conflicts, poverty, terrorism, etc. Complaining about the divorce effect on children is 'white whine' at its finest...of course we want to raise our children in the best possible environment, but comparing any and all divorces to abuse is insensitive to any true survivor, not to mention the millions of children who simply 'get by' with far less by virtue of birth circumstances.
Nobody makes it out without scars; how much better would our time be spent teaching people how to divorce with respect and leaven the effect on the children? Truly do your best to make the marriage work but if that is the decision you come to, mitigate the worst of it and continue to love your children and make it through with grace, appreciating that you have health, wealth and freedom enough to contemplate it in the first place.
Divorce, if you must. But, remarriage before your kids are out of the house? NO WAY.
"Blending" families, creating competition for your attention - how could this ever be a good idea from the perspective of the children?
Worse, having another child with the new parent - a child who gets to LIVE EVERY DAY with his or her mommy and daddy while the other kids in the house "visit" one of their parents on some schedule that further complicates everyone's lives.
Divorce should be a last resort and if you have to "put your kids second for period of time" then put them first for the remainder of the time they live with you. They are dependent minors with no say in their lives - be responsible and don't make it more challenging for them to be happy so you can, once again, put yourself first with a remarriage or having more children.
The gossips who find fault with a woman who gets divorced, whether she filed or he did are... and I abhor the word but it applies here...ignorant! How dare they sit on their pedestals and look down on people who have to face the fact that they have a failed marriage?
Mothers who work outside of the home are criticized. Mothers who stay at home with their kids are criticized by the same types. I coach women through various stages of the divorce process on a daily basis and I can tell you that without exception, each and every one of them is heartbroken and guilt ridden over the fact that their kids are suffering.
Would these gossips castigate Maria or Huma? What did they do that was wrong except love men that didn't deserve their loyalty? Sometimes people have to take a fall in order to understand and sympathize. God forbid that something would happen to tip over their pedestals. My guess is that before they even hit the ground, they would cry the loudest tell the world how unfair and painful divorce is.
Yes! Divorce is indeed "suckie" and then some... for all involved.
Would you advocate for a woman who chooses to beat her child? That's essentially what yo are doing here, as divorce has just as many harmful, long-term implications. Except for high-conflict homes (which are homes with violence or threats of violence) where divorce might lessen the conflict (though it doesn't always -- a big problem with divorce is that it too often increases conflict), Divorce is a very bad thing for kids. It is a thing to be avoided. It is shameful to see anyone try to defend it as you are doing here.
They also didn't look at the harm to the children that unending tension and dysfunction and rage (which characterizes many homes when two people are in a bad marriage)--even when that rage is unexpressed directly--affects children. They didn't look at how a child is affected when they see a parent they love and adore unhappy or treated poorly with no way to change that. I have adult friends who grew up on homes like that and they were harmed in different, but very real ways.
I couldn't agree more that divorce is to be avoided. I don't know anyone who wants divorce and I don't know anyone who has gotten divorced with children who hasn't tried really hard to make things work (although of course there must be some). But sometimes it's the better of two options. IMO.
I respect those who disagree--we all bring our life experience to our opinions--but in a few people the empathy chip is missing. For others, I think some people make choices they are unhappy with and need to find justification for their decisions in putting down the choices of others. They are stronger, smarter and have less messed up kids, or so they need to believe. That's fine, if that gives them comfort. We all look to have our own decisions validated, myself included.
In any event, I am very grateful for the understanding of those who understand, here and in my community, and there are far more of those than there are of those who don't. I consider myself lucky.
Unrealistic expectations lead the couple into thinking that marriage is supposed to be a rosy place most of the time, like the dating season, and when kids come they disrupt the little of the rosy left in the marriage and everything goes sour. 6000 years ago when marriage was first introduced into human civilization it was mostly a survival strategy, a safety net, as well as fulfilling a biological need to reproduce. NOW, we don't need to be married to fulfill any of those categories above. WE get married to extend our dating relationship to another level cause we want something greater to happen in our lives: very unrealistic!
When marriage was first signed into a law, I assume the intend was to make the couple feel contractually responsible. Now "divorce" has turned it into a major industry thanks to marriage.
The problem is that many people have sex incredibly too soon after dating and don't get to know what personality they are getting involved with and by then it's too late because no matter what the flaw they'll stick by because of the sexual involvement.
Sometimes, after intimacy or because of it, we humans attach strong feelings and obligations to a relationship that would never have developed if we would have spend a longer period of time just getting to know someone.
I'm teaching my kids about protecting themselves from pregnancy and STDs because I don't have my head in the sand. But equally important is teaching them how to protect their heart and be true to them selves as well as respectful of people they date.
My soon-to-be ex husband should have thought of divorce as a consequence before he started lying to me, or hiding financial issues, or otherwise behaving badly. I did everything in my power to stay in my marriage, to forgive and forget, but the man simply couldn't behave himself.
I will spend the rest of my days trying to make it up to my daughter, not because I asked her father for a divorce, but because I showed such poor judgement by choosing her a father who could not handle the joys and responsibilities of marriage.
Divorce was the best option for me. But it is the one I fought to avoid, and it is causing me great pain, and the circumstances that brought it about were far out of my control. And yes, it is hard. Very, very, very hard. I made the decision to end my marriage, but only after realizing that I was the only one fighting to keep it in the first place.
From your description here, it doesn't sound like your ex did anything irreparable. Either there is more he did that you are not saying, or you just gave up on your marriage without giving much thought to what yo were doing to your daughter. It's interesting that your ex didn't want to end the marriage that you thought was so irreparable. Why do you suppose that was?
You use language that suggest he cheated on you, but you don't actually say he cheated on you (which makes me think he didn't). It's definitely hard to stay with someone who cheats on you. That being said, I have a friend whose wife has been cheating on him. He isn't divorcing though -- pretty much solely because he knows the problems he'd face from divorce as a man, like losing access to his kids. I wonder if women would divorce as readily if they had to face the same penalties men do.
Counseling did nothing; his last extra-marital relationship began two weeks prior to my delivering our third child and I asked him to leave when said child was ten weeks old.
I have spent the past 6 months coming through the fog; I feel as though I left a cult and am just know beginning to see the world as it really is. And while I feel stronger and happier now I also feel scared - a new kind of fear. No longer the fear of him coming after me or of the harrassing contact but a fear for my children and the way that they will grow up.
How can I make this life good for them when I have only half of what they need? I cannot change a tire, successfully operate a saw or a grill nor do I have any sort of hand/eye coordination needed to play or teach athletic skills. I am not artistic and while I sing beautifully I cannot read music or play an instrument. That said, it's just me now and I'm doing the best I can. It causes me physical pain to think that my children are doomed to have a terrible life because of me and their father. How am I supposed to work through that?
Most of my friends whos spouse asked for divorce found out quickly that their ex's had a boyfriend/girlfriend. That's fine - but that doesn't sound like the kids were in play/thought.
I wish the author nothing but the best. I gaurantee she is in a place/situation she never envisioned when she walked down the aisle. But, we make the best of our situation, right?
Fifteen years and two children later, my wife left me because she wanted a soul mate.
Like many, we were/are both damaged people, though I loved her and would have done anything for her. But she said my love "didn't feel like love," took up with a married man and lived a fantasy for a short while, moved out with the kids to wait for him, but he went back to his wife. Never a real attempt at counselling.
At first, I took the flaws she found in me at face value and hated myself for a failure. Then, over time, I came to realize that she had a hole in the pocket of her soul. Her destructive comments to me were mostly projections.
The kids don't know the story, as it is not in their interest to know it. We've split custody. She loves the kids as best she can, but their fates are tied to an obscure, inner narrative wrapped with a quest for Rochester.
Well said.
I appreciate that your decision, based on your posting, was in the best interests of your kids.
to your point stephanie,
looks like kids can from a few bumps in the road to adulthood........
And then, on the other... there is the assumption that all divorces were lead by pure selfish reasons; that people get divorced when they should actually stay together.
How presumptuous, not to mention judgmental, that the road to marriage is always good... while the road to divorce is always bad.
This may come as a shock to some on here but many people get married for the wrong reasons.
I share poster BGrenon's perspective. As a child of divorce, I can't embrace the notion that "it's better than being with parents who are unhappy." I'm not sure kids care whether parents love each other or are happy--the narcissism of childhood. I'm not sure they SHOULD care--this narcissism serves a developmental purpose. My parents handled their divorce terribly, and you and your ex are doing it very differently, so your chldren will be much better off. However, I can't agree with those who think parental and child happiness necessarily align.
You know that, as the title suggests. The challenge is walking a fine line between self-laceration (which you do not deserve) and defensiveness (which your children do not deserve), and finding peace with what is. Isn't this the the hardest part about being human? Coming to terms with what lies between good and bad, or whatever modern terms substitute (healthy and unhealthy)? We want to shield our kids from this for as long as possible, but we can't always. Therein lies the heartbreak of the divorced parent.
But life changes don't necessarily affect happiness at some point. Life changes we adapt to.
At bottom, no one really knows if someone is going to be happier after the life change of a divorce. I think the research and anecdotes show that is an open question at best.
I would posit that unhappy people are unhappy people, regardless of whether in a (bad or good) marriage, regardless of whether divorced.
There is a brain chemistry component to it -- or mood issue.
Some people just aren't as disposed to be happy as others -- and, post-divorce, they probably end up being unhappy but with different causes for their unhappiness.
I wonder whether it is sound for divorce to be sold as a "ticket to happiness". There is more to it, I think.
If you are unhappy in a marriage, get at the root causes of the unhappiness -- including the possibility that there is something clinical.
If you still end up thinking divorce, think through the life change with cold rationality -- what will be the impact on you as a person and parent and provider/professional and peer.
Consider what divorce is going to be for you, best case/worst case.