02/07/2014 01:47 pm ET | Updated Apr 09, 2014

This Is My Facebook Movie

It all started in Florida. There I am standing next to a pool eating a stalk of celery.
There's me again, coming out of a gas station bathroom. And then me eating chicken in the car. So me.

There I am hugging my best friend from camp after we found each other on Facebook. I hope I don't let thirty years go by again before deciding I definitely have to get together with her that second.

Is that really what my nose looks like from the side? Why did I bother to get a nose job?

That's my uncle eating egg salad out of a small bowl. That was fun. And there he is putting his shoes on.

Wait. When was I that fat? Oh right, Kim's graduation. Dammit.

There I am laughing out loud holding a pen.

Is that my neck? It almost looks like it's moving. When did that happen?

Oh wow, that's a lot of snow. I'm glad I got that on film forever.

And there's that little crab spider. I'm surprised that made it in the movie, but it did happen.

Wow! Where was that one taken? I look amazing. Look at my hair. It's so shiny, and I'm like the skinniest I've ever been. I look like a movie star in that shot! I don't recognize that couch though, or that coffee shop. Oh, nevermind, that's Monica from Friends. I took a picture of the TV that day and put it on Facebook.

Oh there I am at Jesse's birthday when I went through my smiling with my mouth open phase. That didn't look as good as I thought.

Me with calamine lotion on my poison ivy wearing red lipstick. And there I am with my signature Diet Coke! Facebook, you so get me.

Oh my God! Me at the shoe repair.

Why did I post a picture of someone else's kitchen?

Oy, that's too sad. My neighbor's dog that crapped on my lawn every day until it died. Rest in peace, Elroy.

Oh there's part of my family at Thanksgiving. I guess the rest were in the bathroom getting high.

There's the George Washington Bridge, as seen from my car, while driving, texting and eating pistachio nuts.

Why am I crying?

Is it because all I did since 2004 was eat in the car?

Maybe it's the music.

What song is this?

Damn you, Mark Zuckerberg. You got me again.

You made me the star of what might be the worst movie ever made, and all it did was make me love me even more.

This, my friends, is facebook.