Rodney Dangerfield, I feel your pain. In the new movie State of Play, Ben Affleck plays a politician named Stephen Collins. Now, I know a thing or two about how studio lawyers vet the use of names in movies and TV shows. If there's even a slight chance that a...

We hate to spend money needlessly, but how much of your time are you giving away these days to fix seemingly small mistakes that other people -- and companies -- make? I just spent forty five minutes on the phone with an irritating woman from Credit Collection Services (CCS). They've...

I'm willing to die to get them to stop putting little stickers on every single piece of fruit in the world. Someone has to come forward. Might as well be me. My series was canceled, anyway.

The supposed beauty of these stickers is that, if you're poisoned, you have a...

Yup. George Bush can re-write his place in history, restore American prestige worldwide, and be remembered as a great president. All he has to do is give this little speech I've written for him.

The speech does not contain the word "Iraq." I'm not a (total) egomaniac, and I'm not...

Talk about guilty pleasures, Deal or No Deal is the apotheosis of the dumb-down of the TV game show -- absolutely no skill required. It's the equivalent of watching someone continually betting everything on the flip of a coin. When, we wonder, glued to the screen, will their luck fail...

It's madness that making English the official language of the U.S. is even an issue, much less a partisan one. If you moved to Paris, would you expect your kids to be educated in English -- at a French public school? The PC notion that we should be "sensitive" to...

On behalf of everyone who has ever called anyone on a cell phone, I want to cheerfully propose a class-action law suit.

When you call a cell phone and there's no answer, I don't need to remind you that you'll be greeted with a happy robot voice saying, "The person...