Advice For My Little Brother

• Never tell your friend that his girlfriend is ugly.
  
• The best way to get a job is to not show your resume; a resume is an excuse not to hire someone.
  
• Stealing is wrong, unless you're working as a temp for a large company in which case stealing is fine.
  
• Hard work is more admirable than talent.
  
• Buy your furniture in thrift stores and save your money to buy rounds of drinks for your friends.
  
• Rich people will always tell you they're "middle class."
  
• In many small matters loyalty is more important than integrity.
  
• Be very suspicious of anyone who demands your loyalty.
  
• Only honk your horn to avoid an accident.
  
• Honesty will get you laid more often than dishonesty and the sex will be better.
  
• To avoid conflict with roommates do the dishes immediately after you eat.
  
• Your vote matters.
  
• Ambition is nothing to be ashamed of. Ambition is only bad when it makes you do bad things.
  
• I think you're perfect, but if you ever do something wrong make amends and forgive yourself, because nobody's perfect.
  
• Wash your hands when you use the washroom.
  
• Use soap.
  
• Don't be afraid to compliment someone when they do something you like, even if you don't know them.
  
• When somebody says, "It's a matter of pride" it's usually a matter of stupidity.
  
• Keeping your room clean is easier than you think.
  
• If you ever write a story about your girlfriend, mention how beautiful she is, she'll likely forgive everything else.
  
• Connect.
  
• Masturbation is a good way to relieve stress but if you masturbate too often you're spending too much time in front of the computer.
  
• Be on the side of the worker, the tenant, and the child.
  
• Big cars are not "cool".
  
• Forgiveness is a virtue but it's not a reason to maintain an unhealthy relationship.
  
• You will never beat me at cards, so stop trying.
  
• Apologies don't come with disclaimers.
  
• "I have a family to support" is not an excuse for being a bad person.
  
• There is a time to give credit and a time to take credit; they're not mutually exclusive.
  
• It's fun to talk smack but it's not worth getting somebody really angry at you.
  
• Vote for whoever you want in the primaries.
  
• Graciously accepting advice from your older brother is not a sign of weakness.
  

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Stephen Elliott