Why Gay Marriage Is Important for All Americans

The California Supreme Court's decision to uphold Proposition 8 in banning gay marriage is a setback not only for gay rights, but for the psychological and spiritual growth of our country. Gay marriage concerns far more than the 5-10% of our population that identifies as gay. America's deepest tradition is the protection and expansion of individual rights and freedoms with a goal of liberty and justice for all.

Today, the movement to overturn millennia of discrimination against gay people represents the next major expansion of individual rights and freedoms. Even as a straight man, I see this not just through the lens of fairness but as an essential part of the evolution of America. While most commentators see Proposition 8 as a temporary setback in the context of an otherwise clear march towards equality, it does provide an appropriate moment to reflect upon why gay marriage is important not just for gay people but for all Americans.

At the core of the debate is the right of same-sex couples to marry and receive the full benefits and blessings accorded others under the law. Marriage is the most sacred contract sanctioned by our nation, consecrating the love between two beings and forging a legal partnership that also creates a stronger container for families. As such, it is a key place where spiritual values meet secular values. So long as gay marriage is outlawed, we are, as a country, creating a definition of sacred that excludes 5-10% of our citizens and the way they love. This message creates a profoundly split social order and has insidious effects on the psychology of straight people as well.

The suffering that comes from this form of apartheid is not as obvious as when we have separate drinking fountains for "white" and "colored." And yet, the number of people directly affected is parallel to the 10% of the US population that was black in the 1950s and faced with "separate-but-equal" facilities.

The indirect effects of discrimination against gay people hurt everyone. For straight people, the lack of full sanction for gay relationships creates a more polarized social view of gender. Children are particularly sensitive to what is socially approved and what is not. Boys raised in a homophobic culture learn to overemphasize masculine qualities, fear feminine qualities, and create more macho personas, as well as to fear being "loving" with their male friends. Girls are similarly affected in a negative way. As both learn to be less authentic to their true nature in an effort to fit social ideals, they create long-term psychological challenges for themselves. The pain of inauthenticity flares up in substance abuse, violence, sexual dysfunction, isolation, and divorce. We all crave being loved for who we are. To the degree that we create an inauthentic facade, we never have the feeling of full loving acceptance.

Suicide rates have long been higher among homosexual teens and, by inference, we would expect that heterosexual teens with some same-sex attractions would also have lower self-esteem and higher suicide rates. A single suicide can have a devastating effect on dozens of other friends, families, and allies. I would know. One of my close friends from high school, who came out to me and a few others in college, was one of those suicide statistics and his sexual orientation certainly played a role in his eventual fate.

When we multiply negative self-esteem effects by millions, we realize how many social problems arise when homosexual feelings are defined as sinful or bad. The ban on same-sex marriage thus creates distortions in our children's development that have profound affects on our national health and happiness. For example, since we have a primarily male power structure in America, a more macho social ideal for masculine behavior leads to an overemphasis on aggression, which creates more conflict and violence than may be necessary. The costs to our society of our psychological gender imbalance may be enormous.

The legalization of gay marriage will not, by itself, alleviate all our society's imbalances. What it will do, though, is create a more expanded sense for what we hold as sacred and worthy of respect. That will trickle down, creating more permission for every child to be authentic to themselves and, in the end, forge a society with a healthier balance of masculine and feminine qualities, less conflict, and more overall happiness. This will not only have benefits for gay citizens but literally for all Americans.

For religious Christians who tend to be more strongly oriented to preserving the social order, legalizing same-sex marriage will ultimately allow an expansion of their heart. As it is now, Jesus admonition to "love thy neighbor as thyself" is at odds with the ban on same-sex marriages. By creating social approval for same-sex marriage, we eventually make it easier for religious people to put their core teachings into practice and love gay people fully.

The movement for gay marriage is, at the deepest level, a movement for the psychological and spiritual growth of our country. By honoring same-sex marriage in the same way as heterosexual unions, we send the signal to the next generation of children that their natural inclinations are, well, natural. This in turn allows all Americans to grow up in a more authentic way. Men can be less hyper-masculine or defended and women can be more connected and loving as well.

The full legalization of gay marriage in America will represent a pivotal moment in evolving an ever-more-perfect union that is a beacon for liberty and justice for all. May that moment come quickly and gracefully.

Comments

[JackFertig]

Robbep --

"Comparable" means there are SOME similarities, not that they are identical. Differences between homophobia and racism are huge. Like when did anyone get kicked out of his family for being Black? Try hiding and denying your most important relationships for fear of your job, home, and safety, and see how it feels.

Gays grew up among heteros and nearly all had to pretend to be straight or risking the respect of life-long friends, sacrificing the safety and protections that family and community offer most people, then having to find your way to a relatively safe haven. Yeah, very different from being black.

Black people have suffered in ways that white gays rarely did largely because being black is more usually visible, (Though it would be interesting to compare the experiences of an African-American who can pass with those of a gay person.) There are also the economic (dis-)advatanges of race that accrue over generations.

Still we are denied jobs and housing, rights to legal protections for our families that heterosexuals take for granted. When we are out we are subject to violence from bigots. when you say that we are not acceptable, you set us apart, make us less than, tacitly accept the denial of our full humanity and pour more oil on the slippery slope of bigotry and violence.

And it's not a "lifestyle" It's a life. Barney Frank, Boy George, George Takei, and James Baldwin all have/had very different lifestyles!

[Romulus]

I don't think you're going to convince conservative Christians with "love thy neighbor as thyself". They will respond with "love the sinner, hate the sin" because they believe that a same-sex relationship IS a sin, something they cannot support. To them, legalizing same-sex marriage is to legalize sin.

[martymartymarty]

But there are plenty of "sins" that are perfectly legal, and anyone committing any of the many "sins" which are not legal can still marry. Even a convicted child molester serving time in prison can marry as long as it is to someone of the opposite sex. To rely on "sin" as the reason is not only moot, but hypocritical -- not one of those conservative "Christians" is without sin himself. Not one.

[EuroRant1]

And yet, I find it so incredibly ironic that even though "christians" have made this such a core issue to most of their politics and mind-thought that the very person that they follow, namely Christ, remained completely mum on the subject.

If homosexuality is the grand stumbling-block issue for most christians why was their Christ completely silent on the subject?

"There are 6 admonishments in the Bible concerning homosexual activity and our enemies are always throwing them up to us usually in a vicious way and very much out of context.
What they don't want us to remember is that there are 362 admonishments in the Bible concerning heterosexual activity.
I don't mean to imply by this that God doesn't love straight people, only that they seem to require a great deal more supervision." - Lynn Lavner (from Butch Fatale)

[DenverJim]

Mr. Dinan,
Thanks so much for your incredibly thoughtful article. As a gay man who has seen and felt the discrimination against LGBT people, your perspective speaks volumes to me. The acceptance of gay marriage (and gay people) actually is an expansion of collective consciousness. I also believe that homophobia affects everybody. When a family has a member who is in the closet, every family member becomes a part of that closet too. Sadly, I don't believe most people are ready to see it this way, but it is a start. Knowledge is freedom. Thanks again.

[robbep]

I wonder if HuffPo wld submit this article if it had a different view. So, you say this is a civil rights movement comparable to what blacks went through in this country. Pls tell me which resturants are putting up signs saying no gays allowed. How many gays are being denied housing and jobs simply bcz they are gay? How many gay (separate but equal schools) are being propped up in the US? Comparing same sex marriage rights to the civil rights stuggle is ridiculous. For the most part gays have access to jobs and education that blacks in the 60's were denied. The same sex marriage is not civil rights it is about a group of people who insist that their lifestyle be made acceptable.

[martymartymarty]

Excuse me, what "lifestyle"?

[helen]

I think he's talking about the lifestyle to be beaten, denied jobs and housing, have sexual slurs directed against you, and be considered a lower life form. Yes, that is a lifestyle all gay people willingly choose! NOT!

[Rachel Ford]

It saddens me that people believe GLBT people have always had equal rights. Take a look at the gay rights movement of the 197os. Restaurants wouldn't put up signs that explicitly banned gay people, but many establishments would not welcome GLBT people. People would be denied an airplane ticket because they wore pro-Gay buttons. People were denied jobs and discharged from the military because they were gay. Teachers were threatened to be removed from schools if they were homosexual because parents were scared they'd brainwash their children into being gay. Police routinely raided gay bars. Do I even have to mention the countless hate crimes against GLBT people?

So please tell me again that there are no connections between the civil rights movement and gay marriage. If I wanted to marry someone of the same-sex, I'd have to travel to a different state that would allow it, and even then my current state might not recognize it, so I'd have to move altogether. Does that not sound at all familiar to what happened during the civil rights movement and interracial marriage?

[Rachel Ford]

Whether you'd like to admit it or not, outright discrimination against the GLBT community existed. It is not as prevalent today as it used to be, but true equality still has not been reached.

I do believe that homophobia affects us all, and I thank Mr. Dinan for this deeply insightful article. Today's society needs more open and understanding people because this is not about a lifestyle, it is not about "choosing" to be gay. Rather, it's about being able to love freely, live life and choose to be who we are.

[zenlikejen]

So we don't "suffer enough" to be able to use the civil rights banner? I'd ask if you were serious, but I've encountered too many like you to already know the answer....

I would actually appreciate some signage showing which establishments do not wish to serve me - it would make it easier to know where I *should* spend my money. We ARE able to be fired for simply being gay - and those places who practice that would also deny employment to someone who was *obviously* gay over those who chose to hide it. Ignoring the similarities in the movements is just plain ignorance.

My day-to-day is not a "lifestyle" and my wish is for TOLERANCE which is not the same as ACCEPTANCE. I can live my life pretty easily without your acceptance - but your intolerance is what's making things difficult.

[Seldon]

"How many gays are being denied housing and jobs simply bcz they are gay?"

Errr....well there is the military for starters....