Four Christmases: The Humiliation of Explaining Your Unemployment Around the Holiday Table

Losing your job is dreadful, no matter what the reason. In this journalist's mind, it's better than health issues, divorce, and death -- but that's it.

The new holiday movie Four Christmases reminded me of how we can get trapped with family during the holidays. Under normal circumstances, this is tough enough for some people. But can you imagine having to explain that you're unemployed to the people you see only once a year?

The truth is, the reason you were fired really doesn't matter to anyone else. They really only think of you as "unemployed," "not working," and "still looking." That's how you're defined.

Even if you were fired due to downsizing and not your performance, that's still of little comfort to you. No matter how much you try, and regardless of how much you truly believe that your firing was nothing personal, you still can't help but feel ashamed. And even today when so many people are losing their jobs, hearing "you're not alone" offers little solace. Whatever the reason, what remains is that you don't have a job -- and a job is how society judges us and defines who we are.

I receive hundreds of emails from people who have been fired, and many of them tell me that the worst part is having to tell a loved one. During the rest of the year, you can avoid your friends and extended family for a little while, but you may be coming home to someone that you find it impossible to tell. Many people don't tell their kids right away, either. Eventually word gets out, but you've still avoided the direct humiliation of having to explain yourself over and over, or worse, having to listen to a well-meaning friend or relative dispense unwanted advice.

However, this time of year, there's a rub: the holidays. Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's... all right around the corner. You may have to see friends or relatives you see only once a year. You can't avoid it, and as always, it will be your job -- second only to health, a recent divorce, or death -- that everyone wants to talk about.

Basically, you're screwed.

Aunt Gladys and Uncle Ernie don't even work and have no clue there's a recession out there. Your brother-in-law Robert is a lawyer, so he can always fall back on that. And cousin Joey, well... he has what my mom would call "a good job with a pension" -- he works for the post office or is a cop and doesn't seem to be affected in the slightest by the economy.

You went to college and were moving up the ladder (and, incidentally, still will), but then this darn recession came along. You are trying to figure out how to navigate monster.com or The Ladders, pay your COBRA, and do your resume -- and now you're trapped with all the people you've known your entire life to celebrate the holidays, and all they want to hear about is your job. It's excruciating. Worse, if they already know, then you get the "any luck?" or "how's the job search going?" questions and the unsolicited career advice. Everybody knows somebody who they think should have a copy of your resume. The worst holiday tale I've heard was from a friend whose Uncle Larry told him, "My doorman's son is an executive at NBC. I can ask Jose if he will pass along your resume. Oh, and please pass the turkey." Great holiday dinner, right?

Look, there's no one answer for everyone. And in fairness in journalism, I have to admit that I've never been unemployed myself, so I am writing from the perspective of the readers of my book, Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins), and columns and who watch me on TV. I don't say this smugly; I'm the first to say that it's only due to luck that I've never been fired.

Here are some options, and then I'll tell you which one I'd do personally. You may not be asking for my advice, but I get more letters about this topic than almost anything else (second to "Gee, I wish I had read your book [Bulletproof Your Job] before I was fired!").

Option 1: Lock yourself in the house with your family. Tell the kids this is a "stay-at-home Christmas or Hanukkah." Concentrate 24/7 on finding a new job. Send out hundreds and hundreds of resumes, and then send a hundred more. Talk to no one except potential employers, and remember: by the time there's an opening, it's too late. You just want informational interviews, and then use that step to make a good impression that could potentially lead to a job later. Just like everybody has a boss they hate, every boss has at least one employee they hate. They're just waiting for the right replacement to come along. That could be you.

By the way, misery loves company, and the jobless seem to all love Starbucks. But drinking expensive coffee all day does not help you find a job. Stay away from your unemployed friends. Repeating "you are not alone" over and over to each other has a shelf life. Guess what? You really are.

So stay away from Starbucks. Going to Starbucks is like AA meetings for the unemployed, but without the results. Sorry, folks, there is no "higher power" at Starbucks that is going to find you a job. It's all up to you, a little luck, and really good "chemistry" with the person you are interviewing with.

So with this plan of action, you can avoid everyone close to you. Punish yourself and your family while hoping to save face by hiding. Look... it's an option.

Option 2: Go out with your brave face on, be an adult, and just tell the truth. "I got fired during the worst time to be unemployed. It's happening everywhere and we will get through it." Milk the current economic climate -- unemployment is up, so make your friends and relatives feel like they are the rejects for keeping their jobs. Having a job is so last year. Then be polite, but ignore the advice, the empathy, and your uncle's offer to give your resume to his doorman. Follow the rest of my advice about avoiding Starbucks and put all your energy into finding ways to get in front of people who are in a position to recommend you for a job.

Option 3: Lie. It's just a little white lie. Besides, I'm not sure that "not telling" is even a lie all. Don't tell anyone except your spouse or partner. Why torment yourself by giving nosy relatives a chance to gloat -- or worse, sympathize.

I know it seems like everyone is getting fired, but guess what? Most people aren't. So why act unnaturally cheerful about something that is a dreadful experience? You're still going to have to go through it, but without everyone sharing in the experience, I'd sure find it easier. Who wants to be in a small house around a dining room table with people you've known forever having to explain that your boss was an ass? I guess now it's clear that I would choose option 3. Happy Holidays!

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.

Comments

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

If this blog looks familiar to you, you may have seen it on your local news or read it in your local paper. This column is based on an interview that I gave to Erin Conroy of the Associated Press. She turned it into a global phenomenon that went from Tokyo to Hong Kong, from Berlin to Sao Paolo, and everywhere in between on TV, radio, web, and print media. Erin turned my jabbering on the phone into a terrific article. Then I wrote this little essay for Huffington, and I"ve received over 900 responses from readers via email. So, a big thank you to Erin and to the Associated Press! Happy holidays to all of you, and keep your workplace questions coming to [e-mail]. Please visit www.bulletproofyourjob.com and also check out my new site, www.bulletproofyourresume.com.

[kstuff]

Also, letting your family know that your small business is failing is rough. On the other hand, it opens up a can of worms that just might include everybody.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

Your small business doing badly is identical to the scenario of losing your job or borderline losing it, and is just as uncomfortable to have to describe to your family. My same little white lie theory applies, with extra caution to those of you who may be losing your job and considering "opening your own business" as an alternative to sending out resumes. DON'T DO IT DURING A RECESSION! It's the ultimate act of suicide and yes, my sympathies are with those of you with small businesses just as much as those who are losing their jobs. Good point to bring that up.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Please visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.

[KillTheMessenger]

I don't think I will have to. And if I did, I would tell them that I am now starting my own business.

:-)

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

If you didn't see the answer to the above blogger, opening your own business or becoming a "consultant" (I call them glorified unemployed) seems like a good idea during normal financial times. But during a recession - borderline depression - it is insane. I beg you to reconsider. Keep collecting unemployment until you find a new job. This is the worst possible time to consider being in business when everyone else is going out of business.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Please visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.

[FreedomAgain]

I just saw a job post on monster for someone to manage Sallie Mae's job offshoring - "The Offshore Delivery Management Analyst is responsible for providing vendor management support, assistance with migration planning and execution, financial analysis, metrics gathering and analysis, and facilitation of process management for Sallie Mae"s offshoring functions. "

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

I"m not sure I get your point. A job is a job is a job. Any job is better than no job right now. Whatever that job is, we are borderline 1929. I"m not sure what your point is, but thanks for this lead, I hope one of my readers can take advantage of it.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Please visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.

[deepintheheartoftejas]

Option 4: Say "The country was dumb enough to elect another damned Republican, and look where ended up". Then glare at any right-wingers in the family.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

Listen, economically we are borderline 1929 depression. In spite of your politics, and I"m a journalist and therefore non-political, this president has taken immediate actions with the banking and finance community to prop up banking and mortgage institutions that Herbert Hoover never did. No one has the luxury to glare at anyone when you are this far away from a bread line. But Huffington readers surely get your point.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Please visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.

[Citizen54]

As a freelancer looking for fulltime work, I was hoping this piece would offer a bit more useful advice. Send out hundreds of resumes, you say? That's ancient tactic number one, but there's no evidence it does any good. After all, it's all about who you know inside a company.

Which leads to the other vague suggestion: Find ways "to get in front of people who are in a position to recommend you for a job." Great idea. But where exactly does one find these "ways"? Especially when hiring managers hate being bothered by people. Is this solution explained in the book?

And the advice about avoiding Starbucks.... that confirms that the author of this piece, as he admits, has never been unemployed.
Perhaps next time we can instead have some suggestions from someone who was unemployed and then found a job. That's the guy I want to hear from.

[Stephen Viscusi - Huffpost Blogger]

This is not a self-help column. My Huffington Post column is a weekly opinion on the state of the workplace community. If you want help, spend the $11 to buy my book. I can tell by your bitter and ignorant comment that you will be unemployed far longer than this recession/depression will last.

Sending out hundreds of resumes (300 resumes to me equals one interview " that"s how hard it is today) is hardly an old tactic, dummy! It"s the ONLY tactic, and it works fine. But you need to write different resumes for each job you are applying for. Mostly, you need to recognize that the jobs exist where there IS no opening advertised. It"s not just a matter of knowing someone, but understanding the culture of where you"re working and having that chemistry. No one wants to hire someone who isn"t nice. Your answer suggests a personality profile of someone who will be unemployed for a long time.

Stephen Viscusi is the author of Bulletproof Your Job (HarperCollins) and can be reached at [e-mail]. Please visit his website at www.bulletproofyourjob.com.