THE BLOG

It's Really Not You, It's Them

07/08/2013 05:42 pm ET | Updated Sep 07, 2013

I'm not talking exclusively about relationships. I'm referring to the naysayers, judgmental individuals and the people who make it their mission to bring you down.

The times when you're really excited about something and someone makes an attempt to burst your bubble. The people that push your buttons, tell you you're not good enough or try to make you feel like you have no idea what you're doing, you're just a screw up.

It's not you, it's them.

You are a capable, brilliant and amazing individual and that scares "them." It makes them uncomfortable that you could potentially surpass what they've created in their own life. That you could create something they want, but are too afraid to realize for themselves. And if you can do it in your life, they might be expected to get off their butts and do it too, no more excuses.

They are terrified by your brilliance, but rather than use those feelings as motivation to do and be more in their own life, they work to bring you down. Why? Because it's easier and less work.

It also makes them feel better, temporarily, to see you feel worse.

As you can see, it's really not you. It's them.

And that's really all you have to know.

Okay, and I wrote you these four simple steps to deal with it...

1. Identify "them."

Sometimes these people can be subtle by saying or doing just enough to bring you down, but not enough to make it obvious. This can be partly because they don't realize it, or because they're doing their best to hold it back. Either way, it's important to know who they are.

Whether blatantly obvious or subtle, these people are toxic to your life and success. They are attempting to bring you down, deflate you, drain your energy or sabotage your success.

Take a good hard look at the people in your life and get honest with yourself.

Who leaves you feeling like less than you are? Who makes you feel like you're not good enough, your ideas aren't possible or like you have no idea what you're talking about?

2. Send them light and love.

Knowing that it's not you can help shed new light on the situation. These people have lost, abandoned or forgotten dreams... they're stressed out, angry or depressed. No, this doesn't give them any right to bring you down, but it does explain why they may be doing it. Or, they could just be mean.

Either way, send them light and love. Don't build up resentments or hold grudges. Don't try to bring them down and don't try to pick a fight with them. Just know that there is pain or suffering that causes them to act the way they do, and that isn't energy you want to get tangled up with.

Forgive them, wish them the best and love them, but from a distance.

3. Let it go.

I've said it many times: There is absolutely nothing in this world worthy of a grudge. Once you realize that these people have their own issues and that it's not about you, you need to let it go.

Shake it off. Pound the pavement. Write in your journal. Just let it go!

If you dwell on what they say or do, you're allowing them control over your life and emotions. Take ownership of the situation by creating an energy barrier. Nothing this person says or does to you can have any effect on your life unless you let it. So don't let it.

4. Surround yourself with love and support!

It's so important to find people that love and support you unconditionally. People that understand what you're trying to create in your life and would never do a single thing to discourage you. These people are solid and secure in who they are and their own lives, and probably have a lot of great, inspiring things going for them.

When you surround yourself with passionate, positive and inspired individuals, there is nowhere to go but up. These people are possibility thinkers, idea generators and love to give and receive support.

For every toxic person you eliminate from your life, try to find one or two loving and supportive individuals to take their place. This may be through a networking group, meetup, educational class or mastermind.

Take Action Now!

1. Make a list of all the people in your life that leave you feeling drained, bummed out or stressed. These may be neighbors, family, "friends," or co-workers and colleagues. The people on this list no longer get to share in your successes, day-to-day life or other... at the very least, they get limited access to you.

2. Take a moment to send loving, healing and forgiving thoughts to every single person on your list. Wish them only the best, forgive their negativity and send them positive energy.

3. Take your list and burn or trash it. Move on with your life!

Leave a comment below letting me know how many negative individuals you've identified in your life and one action step you're going to take to replace them with positive people!

Stephenie Zamora is the founder of www.stepheniezamora.com;, a full-service, life-purpose development, design and branding boutique. Here she merges the worlds of personal development and branding to help young women build passion-based businesses. Click here to download her free guide, "The Unexpected Trick to Transforming Your Life With ONE Single Question."

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