From The Baffler, no. 20

Among the hacks who staff our factories of conventional wisdom, evidence abounds that we are living in a golden age of political comedy. The New York Times nominates Jon Stewart, beloved host of Comedy Central's Daily Show, as the "most trusted man...

Dear Barack,

John McCain gave you a great opportunity when he went on "The View." In attempting to answer why he's running false ads about you, he said (in essence) "It's Barack's fault. He wouldn't agree to those townhall meetings." Now is the time to call his bluff. Immediately. Before...

Dear Barack,

When the McCain campaign tries to manufacture outrage over your "pig in lipstick" comment, the correct response isn't a coy dismissal. You need to say, in a tone of rising disgust:

Is John McCain seriously going to lecture me about my respect for women? John McCain, who...

Dear Barack,

Next time someone asks what you think of Sarah Palin, please don't just call her a "skilled politician" with a "compelling biography." Call her a liar, too. Here's how that would work:

Reporter: What do you think of Sarah Palin?
You: She's a skilled politician...

Her name is President Sarah Palin. Please open immediately.

Step One: Get three tough ads on the air. One each day.

Ad #1:
Remember all those clips with John McCain talking about how crucial experience is? You now get a chance to replay those, interspersed with a description of...

Dear Barack:

The race is now a dead heat. The Republicans have gone mad dog, the press is a bullhorn, and the policy differences between you and McCain get lost in the process. You now have an opportunity to make those differences plain.

...

Dear Barack,

If you truly want to electrify the country with your Vice Presidential choice, I've got two words for you: Choose Hillary.
I realize you're never going to do this, because it runs contrary to your play-it-safe nature, overdetermined nature, but let me offer my rationale.

Dear Barack,

I know you're on vacation, so I'll keep this brief.

Last week, John McCain previewed his election strategy, otherwise known as slanderpalooza. The MSM did what they always do, which is to serve as a bullhorn for the lies, rather than an antidote. McCain's poll numbers...

July 30, 2008

Dear Barack,

Long time no talk. Congrats on the nomination, the Berlin love, and the spread in US Magazine. I know you got some flak a few weeks back from the left for making some cowardly compromises. I happen to agree with them....

Dear Barack,

Why in God's name would you sit there on Chris Matthews' show politely answering the same idiotic, condescending, pre-chewed questions that were asked in the last debate? Would you please stop dignifying this crap? You're turning into John Kerry before our eyes, dude. You're confusing dignity and moral...

Dear Barack,

I tried to warn you about the media in my last letter and I hope the experience of seeing Sean Hannity feeding George Shortandstupidus his script during the debate got the message across. You're being played and a wimp and that bullshit notion -- introduced by your opponents...

Dear Barack,

Remember how, during your last debate, Senator Clinton accused the media of being biased against her? It registered as pretty self-pitying at the time. But what happened? The coverage turned in her favor. And why? Because the media, as an institution, is incredibly defensive and guilt-ridden and...

Dear Barack,

Repeat after me: It's the economy, stupid.

Your people read the papers. They read the business page. Hell, they
even read Krugman. So I beg you, stop squabbling with Hillary over
scandalettes. Flip the script: start talking dollars...

Dear Barack,

Congrats on Wyoming and Mississippi! I knew those Cheney connections would pay off.

I also knew that a gazillion people were going to advise you to "go negative." As your designated unpaid advisor, I implore you to "go judo." By which I mean: use only...

Dear Barack,

Obummer!

I guess I was a tad premature in counting out Hillary. In my own defense, I'd just come from Texas, and everyone seemed totally juiced for you. But the other side went negative, and managed to guilt trip the press in the bargain. Bottom line: a much...

Dear Barack,

From time to time, I hope you don't mind if I offer you a little advice. I know you've got smart advisers and all, but there's something about living inside the bubble of a campaign that tends to blind people to common sense.

Anyway, barring a miracle, it's...

At the gym this morning, I got to talking with an acquaintance named Nate. I don't know much about Nate, except that -- like most of the guys at my gym -- he's a fanatical Boston sports fan.

Although I've lived in Boston for more than a decade, I'm just...

Until a few weeks ago, I'd never paid much attention to Gawker. I had a vague sense that they were a gossip website that had something to do with New York. Then my editor sent me a link to a post they wrote about me. As it turned out,...