Uncomfortable Thanksgiving: Obama, Prop 8, and My Marriage

I got married to my partner of 17 years in San Francisco on August 18th of this year. We did so under the beautiful dome of San Francisco's magnificent City Hall -- and I had my picture taken (above) with Harvey Milk's statue. It was a powerful package for me -- paying a fee to the City for a contract that finally said that my partner and I had the rights and responsibilities of other married couples. We met others that day -- gay and straight couples -- who got married about the same time we did on those City Hall steps.

I don't often delve into the deeply personal in my blogging commentary -- although foreign policy, getting national security decisions right or wrong, economic frameworks that turn the wrong stakeholders into losers rather than winners are all personal matters for me. But this year the fear and bigotry that animated Proposition 8 in California has made this a strange Thanksgiving.

Yes, like everyone -- I'm pleased that Barack Obama won the White House. But it is only a small beginning in the right direction. But with Barack Obama, we also got Proposition 8. We have him talking about Iraq as the "bad war" and Afghanistan as the "good war". We have political appointments in both security and economic policy that either will be the height of brilliant personnel and policy maneuvering or alternatively could end up as a paralyzed cabinet and government disaster. There is only fog ahead, much yet we don't know.

We have wars going on in the Middle East that shouldn't be going on. I have friends there now being shot at -- and helping to kill others -- and this wasn't what the 21st century was supposed to be about.

I have been writing here for some time -- far before the National Intelligence Council's Global Trends 2025 report came out chronicling America's global decline -- that America's mystique as a great nation had been punctured by the invasion of Iraq. We showed key limits in our military and economic capacity, leading allies and foes respectively to count on us and fear us less. The economic crisis is the punctuation point in America's fall from its once significant global perch. I'm worried about all of this -- making a traditional thanksgiving very uncomfortable.

Our new president preaches inclusion, which is a good thing -- and I think he has the potential to be one of the great stewards of the White House and the executive branch authority we have given him.

But how could people who helped deliver this man to the White House also spit on my decision to enter into marriage with someone I have been with for 17 years? Europe has embraced adjustments in marriage easily and in a socially healthy way, and yet we still stoke embers of nativism and fundamentalism in this country. Barack Obama's voice was used on anti-gay marriage robocalls to African-American and Hispanic voters in California. To my knowledge, he didn't ask for his voice not to be used.

I think intolerance is what undermines the glue of a nation, stirring up fear and violence at home and in wars abroad. We have a lot of intolerant Americans who helped elect George W. Bush twice to the White House, and now we have many other intolerant Americans who have come into their civic responsibilities as voters and have tainted the hope that people like my partner and I have for a better and more just nation that recognizes our relationship in the ways it should be recognized.

I'm going to see the movie Milk today starring Sean Penn reprising brilliantly the life of the assassinated first gay elected politician in the United States -- and no matter what Proposition 8 thought it achieved, I'll be wearing my ring.

So, this is an uncomfortable Thanksgiving holiday, and I hope that those who read this today do embrace their family and friends -- all of them, gay ones too -- and remember that this nation needs to stop dragging when it comes to bigotry.

-- Steve Clemons publishes the popular political blog, The Washington Note

Read more Thanksgiving posts from HuffPost bloggers

Comments

[MichelleCuoco]

One of the most talked about reasons for supporting Proposition 8 is that churches do not want to be forced to marry gay couples if their beliefs do not condone these relationships. Fine"problem solved"completely separate marriage from state. If we no longer recognize marriage under the law and only within the church, then all couples, straight and gay, would be treated the same under the law in a civil union. This would remedy the gay community"s desire to be treated equally under the law and the church"s desire to have the right to make its own decision on marrying gay couples. Some believe that we live in a Post-Christian age where it is time to fully separate the church from government. This change would be another step in that direction and, in this situation, provide a solution for a major human equality and church rights battle.

Read more at http://cocktailtalk.net/newsletter/?p=28

[noamjunior]

what is really unconfortable is how you are afraid to address those that call you out on your disonest statements about Barak Obama and his supporters

[Netizen]

Prop 8 wasn't about hate, it was about ignorance, and the tide is moving away from that over time. I think it is counterproductive to characterize it as hateful and to excoriate pro-Prop 8 voters .. when in fact the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the gay community for not doing a better job of fighting the lies and distortions in the pro-Prop 8 ads. Instead a whiny tone was adopted in anti-Prop 8 ads, and the lies were allowed to stand. I know people who are not homophobic at all who voted for it because they truly felt they had to protect their children (based on the lies in the pro 8 ads).

This is all a fight over words. Why is government involved in marriage at all? I think all unions (gay or straight) should be private and contractual.

[FearlessFreep]

Why blame the people who voted for Proposition 8 when you can just blame the people who tried to defeat it instead? (The latter are a safer target, you see.)

Those people who voted yes "because they truly felt they had to protect their children" were suckers, plain and simple, and served as tools for the religious right. I find them hard to feel sorry for.

[oafishcad]

I see, the victims of bigotry are to blame and perpetrators of religious intolerance shouldn't be called on their intolerance. Since when is "protecting children" from the great gay boogeyman not bigotry? I guess blacks were to blame for Jim Crow, and those poor uneducated were never racist either.

[Audrey85]

Isn't it funny how Obama is getting blamed for Prop 8. I believe he made his position very clear but obviously the people against Prop 8 passage didn't do a good job on defining what it meant. The percentage of the African American vote cannot make or break any laws in this land. They only represent 14% nationwide therefore why blame them or Obama for that matter. Do you even understand what has been placed on President-Elect Obama's shoulder's? Do you understand any of it? The econom with its failing housing market, businesses folding, jobs being lost or shipped over seas, unemployment at an all time high, the appearance of a depression; we are fighting 2 wars, trying to mend fences with world leaders thanks to this President, a failing educational system, no money for loans for this nation's children to go to college; the list goes on and appears to be growing by the day so I am not going into the rest. Let him tackle these things, and he will deal with the unfairness to the gay community as well as other pressing matters we are facing as a nation.

[antaeus]

And do you even realize how easy a thing this would be for him to settle? One word of strong leadership, and this falls into place. A number of years ago conventional wisdom was that the sky was falling in Massachusetts; now, years later, same-sex marriage is a reality there, and it's going to stay.

Your appeals for some kind of prioritizing amount to apologizing for bigotry. To keep saying it's too hard is really to say it's not important. The time is now.

[liebo76]

Obama called prop 8 unnecessary and discriminatory. People hear what they want to hear and when the Yes on 8 campaign LIED about gay marriage being taught in schools and churches losing their tax exemption for not performing same-sex marriages, etc, it scared people. The sky didn't fall in CA after June of 2008 when gay marriage became legal and it won't fall once it becomes legal again in CA and across the country. Even better, there will be more income for the state and country from taxes. Who doesn't want more money for this country?

[FearlessFreep]

Obama wasn't forced to say that marriage is between a man and a woman, which gave the Yes campaign a useful tool. Sure, they were dishonest in employing that last-minute soundbite, but it wouldn't have worked if Obama's opposition to the measure hadn't been a day late and a dollar short.

Sorry, I forgot that Obama's self-protection comes before everything else. (Just like Bill Clinton.)

[JohnBryansFontaine]

If Obama and the Democrats had supported gay marriage, he would have lost the election to McCain. Gay marriage is the McGovernism of this era. I want Democrats and Liberals to win, not lose.

The TRUE, genuine issue that counts right now is passing the Emloyee Free Choice Act: www.freechoiceact.org

[Leota2]

Congratulations on your marriage. Prop 8 is heinous and should never have passed.
But are you saying homophobes, religious conservatives and the Mormon church voted for Obama?
Because if this is the meme that black people were solely responsible for Prop 8 passing----I'd say scapegoating is alive and well in civil rights and the republican party blaming blacks for bank failures. But if I'm mistaken and you are not saying this---then I hope that you are just being naive when you say Obama actually had a say on his voice being used in robocalls--like Hillary had a choice about her words being used in McCain ads.
Homophobia and racial scapegoating are ugly. Let's not combine them.

[liebo76]

Obama did not have any say in what was used in any robo-call, but I find it disgusting that they would use the words of the possible president (at that time, now president elect) to legislate discrimination into the constitution. I received that robo-call 4 times before and on election day. I live in West LA and a friend got it in Sherman Oaks. I also received a flier that distorts the truth with Obama's views on marriage.

We can only learn from our mistakes of the No On 8 campaign and prepare for the battle to win the war. If the Supreme Court doesn't overturn Prop 8, which I am NOT counting on and don't expect to happen, I have started working with many, many others on a proposition for 2010 to settle this once and for all. This time none of the lies and fear monggering will be tolerated or left unresponded to. It is really sad that we even put human rights up for a vote.

They can take away our right to marry (temporarily), but they can't take away our relationships. That is something to be thankful for.

[pottery]

I'm most surprised that this is the first time I've heard that his voice was used in the robocalls. He wasn't for Prop 8, though his position was clear on gay marriage. He would have had no part in promoting it.

[chasmader]

Very well put. Except George Bush was only elected once. He was appointed to his first term.

[MCpiano]

No, Bush was elected in 2000 by winning the electoral votes. The Florida votes were recounted and investigated many times following the election.

[Apov]

I believe it was a 5-4 vote of the Supreme Court that made that electoral college vote possible. I believe that it was later confirmed that Gore did win Florida. Imagine where we might be if Gore were president.

I guess we got what we deserved. An idiot president for an idiot nation.
Best of luck in the ensuing disaster...... compliments of the the Greedy old Party and the religious zelots that made this all possible. Jesus would certainly be proud of them.

[marymansour]

No he was not. He stole the freaking election from Al Gore. FL wouldn't allow a full recount.

[noamjunior]

and Gore won by 100+ votes

[lletaa]

does a million more popular votes count? gore won in 2000, as far as im concerned.

[callmemara]

Maybe you can give people a bit of a break here. Most people who oppose gay marriage are ordinary folks who just are uncomfortable with the unknown. Just how gays cannot imagine living in a straight sexual relationship, straights cannot imagine a gay sexual relationship. Then you add the closed minds of religious people. BUT, they learned the closed minded ways from family, friends and pastors. I was once like that and am ashamed. It took my learning that my sibling is gay. Then I had to face the realness of the life of a gay person. It took a lot for me to wake up. It was easier to bury my head and 'believe the way the Bible teaches.' Only the Bible says all homosexuals will go to hell in the very same scpriture as 'all liars and adulterers will go to hell.' People tend to focus only on the homosexual part. it took me years to 'believe' homosexuals were 'disgusting' so it also took me years to realize my judgment of homosexuals was more disgusting. I indeed repented and feel more whole. I do pray that others will wake up to the truth -- all men are created equal. God bless those that are treated so unfairly. I equally pray God's forgiveness on those who hate -- they need it all the more.

[gaydm]

After decades of being called horrible names, of being kicked to the ground, and beaten, of having had knives pulled and waved in my face, all the while with bibles held in the other hand. With not one of those times had I even asked for, or been the one to go to these people in any way.

Why?

I was never one to be able to ask. I have always been what people would call shy, but to me it was more scared s%^tless for my life. I am not the evil one, I never did fight back with force, the only way I COULD fight back was to just crawl to my feet from each one of these attacks and walk or hobble away. I have been fortunate that I have never been seriously hurt, except for my faith in mans kindness.
No it was not so much that I was better than my attackers by walking away, it was just plain, that I had NO other choice, since the police and courts were no help. Please understand, I grew up in a time where I was considered a walking, talking, crime, just for being alive.

Why?

[gaydm]

Yes I had the choice of lying to myself, my partner, my god, and a my family to appease my attackers. I could have married someone I had no real love for, just to fit in. But it was, and is so wrong, which is why today, I am grateful to have a loving man as a partner. A family who not only inspires, but helps support us with their love. My brothers, my Aunt's, My Mom and Dad, all of them. My partner has only his Aunt and one brother and 2 sisters left. They all support us.
Again I/we are so grateful for the love shared by our families. We only wish we could have a legal way to bind, and show our love and support for one another. We have patiently waited, we never, ever have or would raise a fist to attack someone who is different from us. Why do you do so to us?

[Eric8869]

What a wonderful column - so many gay people felt the same way this election. Initial elation followed by sadness. Then disbelief and then anger.

This only goes to show that Gay people have to really continue to fight for our rights. We can't expect sympathy from other oppressed minorities. They don't support us in our time of need.

[FearlessFreep]

Then the minorities that didn't support you say, "It's your own fault for not earning our support."

[Eric8869]

I've done nothing but earn it my whole life. Fought for their rights, saw their documentaries, saw their movies, watched their TV shows, read their books, signed their petitons, spoke out at injustice. and what do I get in return?

I shouldn't have to earn equality.

[Giada]

Currently there are four definitions of the word marriage in use, religious, legal, social, civil. Religious folk have no right of ownership to the word marriage but lay claim to it.

Joe Biden's comments on Prop 8, and reference to Obama.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDdwdaMP9vo

[LemonMeringue]

I am sad Prop 8 passed. I too think it's not the equal rights, but the word "marriage" that bothers people for reasons most of them cannot fully explain (and the quotes from the Bible are just excuses).

I think more people would accept unions with equal rights than would accept the word "marriage." We probably need to call them civil unions and guarantee all the rights of marriage will apply - and work to get this passed in every state. I know it's hard for gays to wait, but when we have civil unions in almost all the states, changing the word to "marriage" will be a snap.

[Smith808]

Hi Lemon,
The problem is, there are 38 states that don't recognize domestic partnerships, civil unions, or gay marriages. Some have even passed laws that preclude ANY type of legal relationship from being validated or recognized by the state. Furthermore, states have already taken steps to prevent gay couples from fostering or adopting. On a brighter note, Florida just overturned it's gay adoption ban. It gets messier when you realize that all domestic partnerships and civil unions were not created equal so you stand to either lose or gain if you move. Talk about limiting "your freedom to move about the cabin" - especially if you have parenting rights at stake!

Gay marriage will happen...8% of those recently polled said they have changed their minds about voting "Yes."

[realityczech4u]

So your strategy is built upon deceit- bait and switch.

[Keori]

If civil unions are so great and "just as good" as marriage then why aren't hordes of straight people lobbying for the right to have one?

Give it up. These people aren't interested in "preserving" traditional jacksquat. They're interested in using marriage and family as a weapon against gays. They will fight tooth and nail against legal recognition or protection of gay families in any form, or gay people as human beings. This is hate, pure and simple, from Dominionist christian supremacists. Take a look at what the "Traditional Values Council" has to say on civil unions:

http://www.traditionalvalues.org/modules.php?sid=2743

"This amendment is a hollow gesture when it comes to protecting marriage," said TVC Chairman Rev. Louis P. Sheldon. "It does not "fully protect marriage" but it amends the Constitution to allow civil unions and other forms of counterfeit marriage in all 50 states."

"I am disappointed in the White House, but I am even more disappointed in those social conservative leaders who have misled the American people into believing that the Marriage Protection Amendment will stop homosexual marriage. Promoting a civil unions amendment disguised as a marriage protection amendment is shameful.

"No reasonable person will deny marriage to homosexuals once a Constitutional right to a "civil union" is established. And this amendment is not compassionate conservatism, this is unprincipled relativism.

[Alonso Quijano]

In talking to many about Proposition 8, I come away with the impression that a lot of voters who are in fact decidedly supportive of "equal rights" for gays have a semantic resistance to the use of the WORD "marriage" to describe a relationship of same-sex couples. Such people have no problem with the earlier legislation of "domestic partnerships".

I realize that this amounts to support for a "separate but equal" status for gays, and thus, historically, is in fact unacceptable discrimination. But to assume that this (I believe large) fraction of voters are motivated by anything other than a cultural habit about the meaning of words is wrong, and might lead to the use of incorrect tactics by the gay community. Not all pro-8 votes are based on so-called "biblical" considerations.

[JohnJames]

That's true but decently educated judges in our legal system, unlike many voters, won't tolerate different words for the same thing because they recognize that at least some degree of antipathy, as opposed to reason, lies at the heart of reserving an honored word for one group and refusing it for another when the benefits, privileges and responsibilties are in fact the same. And words matter - such judges understand that calling the bond of a gay couple by a different name inevitably sends the message that it's different and given gay people's historically despised status that that means "inferior". Many people propose the solution that government call it civil unions in all cases and that the word marriage be the prerogative of religious institutions. It sounds nice but there can be no doubt that the religious right would fight tooth and nail against that solution. That would be separation of church and state, after all.

[Dave01]

Which goes back to an earlier posters claim, the government needs to get out of the "marriage" business altogether. They need to abolish "marriage" on the legal side and simply call the legal institution a Civil Union. If people then choose to have a church, "bless" or "sanctify" that union, then that union will be viewed as a "marriage" in the eyes of the church. Otherwise, it is a civil, and legal binding contract between two consenting adults.

[carsntrucks]

First of all, separate but equal was referring to education and housing in relation to the treatment of people based on race. Second, if they get all the same rights (which makes no allusions to religion the way "marriage" does), that's not separate but equal. That's different but equal. Third, if this debate is no longer about actual rights, but the non-right to call something a name that doesn't fit its definition, then religious people have no reason to stop fighting against the legalization of gay marriage.

[JohnJames]

Where's this "definition" of marriage that you imagine? It's not defined LEGALLY, and we are talking about the LAW, as being exclusively between a man and a woman until it IS so defined, hence the legislation in so many states to define it that way. The law isn't made up of people's everyday conceptions and marriage has gone through many different permutations and served many different functions throughout history. Today romantic love is central to it - heterosexuals wouldn't have it any other way, just see how enthusiatic they are about outlawing divorce - and gay people are just as capable of that as everyone else.

[Dave01]

Perhaps you've never heard of miscegenation laws.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miscegenation

[walk0nwalls]

They don't get equal rights. Your argument ends right about there.

[SUIGENEROUSLA]

There are a lot of civil legal differences between DPs/Civil Unions and Marriage if you had bothered to research it -- you didn't because it doesn't affect you.

[BeltwayInsider]

Oh, I think people would accept marriage equality rather quickly if it was going to cost them to reject it.

The IRS needs to threaten to abandon tax exemptions for married couples altogether, on the premise that marriage is being granted only to a select group of couples. I believe a whole lot of people would reevaluate their standing on this marriage issue under those circumstances.

[degenerate1991]

Cool, There is no reason for there to be a marriage tax break anyway.

[SUIGENEROUSLA]

Alonso, I am a gay man in Ca whose relationship status hinges on this and I thin you are right. It is more important to have civil unions treated with respect in every state than it is to push marriage, which does not mean that marriage won't come. But in the real world people need thier rights....how about fixing the DP laws in CA so they apply to private businesses too (i.e. marriage is equal to DP for private insurance programs which it is not now.)

[Herders4Me]

I live in VA and supported the campaign against Prop 8 to the extent I could.

As in so many areas, I wanted California to lead our nation toward reason.

I try to take Candace Gingrich's comments to heart. "The passage of time" will change hearts and minds. But I hate waiting for people to change. I want to be recognized as a Human Being NOW! With the same rights as any other human being.

Steve - I wish blessings to you and yours.

[ddemos]

I live in LA, and there was a ridiculous amount of press re: Prop 8. I was so shocked it passed by such a high percentage, that it actually makes me wonder if people were confused and thought yes meant they were for gay marriage. That's the only explanation I can come up with...

[zanzig]

I agree with you. When I first read the Proposition I saw how people could be confused by a "referendum' that asked for a negative vote to achieve a positive. I am also certain that a lot of the votes for Prop 8 were actually a vote for gay marriage. As an aside the Australian Federal Parliament has just passed legislation this week to remove all discrimination against same sex couples in all Commonwealth laws. Marriage laws are state laws however, so I need to do a bit of research to see how it is affected. Under the Aus Consititution, if a state law is in contradiction with a federal law, the federal law must prevail, so the arguments will be interesting. Our Chief Justice of the High Court is a brilliant gay man who has been in a relationship with the same partner for 40 years or so. He was due to retire last year but refused to do so until this legislation went through and his partner's rights would effectively be protected. His Honour can now retire.

[NoSandwiches]

You know Obama won because a lot of people who believed in him organized and focused. Prop 8 passed because there were more people organized and focused on it than against it. Californians are "supposed" to be gay friendly. What did YOU do to help educated people about the proposition and help FOCUS people on helping to defeat it?

(This is a generic "You")

It is unthinkable that this would happen in California. Perhaps that's why too many people assumed it would fail instead of working to ensure that it would.

There were Obama workers reaching out to communities that previously had not had high turnouts at the polls. There were Obama workers reaching out to new voters.

You needed to find allies in the communitiy and help convince them to help convince others that that this was a bad idea with possible unforseen consequences.

Now it goes to court.

[JohnJames]

What did we do? We spent $35,000,000. I contributed $200 of that. Living in Illinois I don't have a real sense of how good our campaign against 8 was or whether it could have been smarter and more effective but I do know what we DID NOT DO - we didn't lie and deceive and make people have unfounded fears for their children, unlike our opponents.

[Dave01]

You are so right. I put $500 into prop 8's defeat. The No on 8 campaign sucked. I only saw 3 TV commercials from the campaign. 1) An elderly couple saying that they wanted one of their children to enjoy the same rights that they had. 2) An elected official (someone very few people even know of) basically was saying that it was unnecessary and wrong. 3) The narrator read a bunch of newspaper one liners about the falsity of the Yes on 8's claims.

They NEVER once had any ads running of an already married gay or lesbian couple (with their children) asking Californians to not delegitimize their marriage etc. At least NOT on TV. They had internet commercials, but what good are internet commercials if you don't have the traffic.

[SUIGENEROUSLA]

John i gave $1200 -- it was an awful amateurish campaign and when i brought up issues to organizers they basically said -- we know what we're doing -- which always means -- we have no idea what's happening.

[Thurber]

No on 8 ran a "corporate" campaign when it needed to run a "cultural" campaign. Help was literally turned away from ethnic and socioeconomic minorities. That's when the campaign was lost, not on Nov 4. The LGBTQ community needs culturally savvy leaders for once ... of ALL colors and sexes. We need to honestly address the intolerance within our own community first. Only then can we run an effective campaign NATIONWIDE against bigotry and the very powerful forces that have always been behind it since the ERA failed aka the Mormon church.

[walk0nwalls]

Yeah, what he said.

[brooklyncitizen]

This is a puzzler....how arbitrary the Prop 8 is and how ridiculous that people actually fell for this.