When the Intolerant Kill Christmas: My Gay Friend's Holiday Story
A very close friend of mine "just came out" to his brother as a gay man. He did the same with his mother about ten months ago -- and it didn't go well. . .with either of them.
He's a former soldier who worked on some of the most classified missions the military had going -- and despite my criticism of the Bush administration on its invasion of Iraq, I know that my friend had a hand in successfully delivering some of the world's real bad guys to the next world -- both in Afghanistan and Iraq. He reads my blog -- and he has kept an open mind about some of my criticisms of this administration and the national security course it has been on.
But his mother and brother have tried to tell him that if he's gay -- he must not believe in God, he must be a reprobate and must be such a deviant that his brother told him that he will never give him a moment's rest and peace about this issue.
My friend is earnest, a patriot, sober, sane -- and he's being betrayed in America by a lack of the kind of tolerance and modernity that our society is supposed to be about. Iran and any place under the control of the Taliban hang, stone, or castrate gay youth. Egypt imprisons them. In middle America, the intolerant who somehow have decided to channel a vindictive, judgmental, and sin-obsessed Christ harass, disown -- and in the case of young Matthew Shepard in Laramie, Wyoming or active duty sailor Allen Schindler -- kill them.
I hate to hold Dick Cheney and his wife out as models, but I'm absolutely going to in this case. Cheney is convinced of how right he is in matters of war and state -- but when it came to family, Cheney and his wife evolved. I know that he does not harass his daughter Mary. He accepts her, her partner, and his grandchild.
This is my personal message to my friend's mother and brother. Your son has options. He has friends and a family he can surround himself with until the end of his days as he is a prince of a person whether you see it through your judgmental eyes or not.
I'm sure when Lynn Cheney was not yet ready to broadcast discussion about her daughter being a lesbian -- she was privately tormented. The fact that her daughter. . .that's right. . .the Vice President of the United States' daughter is homosexual -- took time to accept. But they did it. They remained a family, and I credit them for privately demonstrating tolerance in a way that should influence the most theocratic corners of the nation. I have friends that argue that Mary Cheney hasn't done enough -- but she and her family are one -- and that's enough in my view. And it should be in the case of my friend's family.
Your views about your brother and son can't even be called Medieval -- because as we have recently learned, Medieval knights, lords, and nobility committed themselves to each other in property and love in much the way that civil unions are emerging today.
You think your brother and son "chose" a lifestyle that he has tried not to accept for years -- to the point of considering ending his life.
He made no choice. But you are.
You are choosing to reject him and who he decides to be. If Cheney accepts his daughter and her partner, you should think about why you refuse to do the same. Why aren't you able to join our modern world? Theocracy -- when it harms rather then helps -- is no better here than it is over there.
Merry Christmas, and if you get a chance during your lives to visit the site where Matthew Shepherd was brutally killed, I want you to think real hard about who is saved and who is not.
By the way, I forgive you -- but your son is going to live a good life whether or not you accept him for the great man he is.
I hope that something in this note may be useful to many of the others emotionally abandoned or victimized by a righteousness that has lost its bearings.
-- Steve Clemons publishes the popular political blog, The Washington Note
Follow Steve Clemons on Twitter: www.twitter.com/SCClemons
Loading comments…
Want to reply to a comment? Hint: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to
And if he wasn't one of them, you know exactly what this guy would tell you should be done with gay people.
I just love the hypocrisy involved in seeking sympathy for one's sexual orientation while otherwise supporting the same pack of dirtbags who have done so much damage to the United States.
And I think Mr. Clemons' faith that the unnamed gay soldier only put bad guys in the ground is touching. Silly, but touching.
Some people have red hair.
Some people have blue eyes.
Some people like chocolate.
Some people like Nirvana.
Some people like Earth, Wind and Fire.
Some people are thin.
Some people are fat.
Some people are old.
Some people are young.
Some people have light skin.
Some people have dark skin.
Some people are gay.
Some people are straight.
All of the above are still people.
Love the sinner, hate the sin.
I mean recalcitrant, for goodness sakes!
"I know that my friend had a hand in successfully delivering some of the world's real bad guys to the next world." With that kind of experience under his belt, he should be well prepared to handle a relcacitrant Mama and a petulant lil' bro, shouldn't he?
Great post Steve!
You're being rather tough on your friends' mother and brother. Remember: you said it took him years to accept his own sexuality and that he even considered suicide. Unfortunately that's likely the most common route for homosexual men--it certainly was for me...
Once we do accept such in ourselves many tend to think, "Hey if I can accept it, then surely my family can as well." BUT, we want immediate acceptance. Excepting lucky cases such isn't likely to happen and the holiday season is probably the WORST time to "drop the bomb".
Once his mother and brother realize that he's still the same person with the very same strengths and flaws, they'll most likely come to accept and welcome him even if they never truly accept his lifestyle.
And yes, from my conversations with lesbians, it seems that they generally have an easier time both accepting their homosexuaity and "coming out".
My best advice to your friend is that he realize that his family members are going through something quite similar to what he himself faced. He can't force them to accept and he cannot appear bitter. Such is a wound that time generally heals very well...
My niece is a lesbian and has never been asked by one of her grandmothers how her partner of several years - whom she has not taken to visit Gramma out of respect for Gramma - is doing. She surely would if the partner were a male.
This is a somewhat sad situation but only for the grandmother. If my niece decides that if her partner is not going to be eventually accepted, she will simply stop visiting her grandmother. Grandmother loses.
It saddens (and sickens) me when I read such things as this. The writer's friend is among countless gay people who are, still, rejected by their own families by reason of their chosen religion.
My partner and I have been together almost 10 years now, and I was welcomed into the family from the very beginning. Incidentally, his father is a Methodist minister. He embodies everything a true Christian is supposed to be about: compassion, love for humanity and nature, etc. There is not an ounce of judgment or hatred to be found, and I continue to be baffled by people who think their chosen religion dictates that they reject their own children. So you see, the gay friend of the author of this piece has no choice but to live his life honestly and true to himself; his parents, however, have made the choice to reject him. If anyone is "lost" or "wicked," it is they, and they should feel deep shame. May he stop trying to change the minds of someone who's obviously been brainwashed, and seek out the many, many people with whom he could surround himself under the name of "family."
A friend of mine also came out to his family and the response couldn't have been more different. He was really nervous & couldn't get his mother to stop fussing in the kitchen until he insisted he had something REALLY IMPORTANT to tell her. So, she sat down & he told her he was gay. She just smiled & said "Of course you are. Did you just figure that out?" He isn't the least bit stereotypically gay, but she assured him she had known for years. Stunned, he asked if his dad knew as well & she said she wasn't sure, but would he like her to tell him? He said yes & she said she'd tell him that night.
The next day my friend rang to ask how it went. His mother said "We were both in bed reading & I said you'd come by & told me you were gay. He was quiet for awhile then he said he'd never been much interested in other people's sex lives. He asked if you were happy. I said yes, that you were. He said, well that's good, Chris is long overdue for some happiness.
That was it. His brothers, who he had told earlier were instantly accepting. I should note however, that the other big difference with my friend's family is that they are lifelong atheists.
It is unfortunate that conservative "christian" families chose to display such bigotry, especially to those that they "love". I use both in quotes because I do not believe that these people truly are "christian", nor do they really "love" their son. Conditional love is not love. The problem with exclusive religions is that they are more interested in hate than love.
My advice to people like this is, it is NOT true that blood is thicker than water. It is entirely false. Family members can be found everywhere. Loving individuals and groups are out there that truly know the meaning of acceptance.
If there is any truth to Christianity, parent's such as these will find no comfort in Heaven. They have cut themselves off from love and thus, God. It is THEY who are forsaken.
Steve - Thank you for this post but why on Earth would you hold the Cheney's up as an example of acceptance? They're hypocritical at best. Yes, they may "accept" their daughter privately but please don't forget that this is the administration that sought to ban gay marriage and enshrine that in our constitution. In addition, Bush has said he will veto the hate crimes bill which would help to prevent the deaths of people like Matthew Shepard. Dick Cheney plays politics with the lives of gay people and that's appalling. The fact that Mary Cheney, as a lesbian, worked for his campaign is disgusting.
It's a travesty that people would allow their religion to keep them from their own sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. If you can't make your own decisions on whether someone is a good and honorable person without first asking your priest or preacher, you are the one who is truly lost.
Steve,
Regardless of how his idiot relatives behave, your friend is not alone. There are people in the world who think he's fine just the way he is, who wish him well, who think love is love no matter what form it takes, and who think that sometimes your real family isn't the people you were born to, but instead is made up of those who come along and choose to stay. I hope he sees that, and if not, I hope you can help him to. Great post.
When it comes to absurdity, it's hard to beat Christianity. The literal interpretation of the widely-used "abomination" quote from Leviticus places family members in the absurd position of rejecting a loved one based solely on the presumed "choice" of homosexuality.
One of the leaders of the American revolution, Thomas Paine (who, by the way, was referred to as a "filthy little atheist" by Theodore Roosevelt), offered this observation on Christianity: "Of all the systems of religion that ever were invented, there is no more derogatory to the Almighty, more unedifying to man, more repugnant to reason, and more contradictory in itself than this thing called Christianity. Too absurd for belief...i
I am proud to include myself among the former, while this individual's family are clearly among the latter.
True. Dick Cheney accepts his daughter, and kudos to him for that. Of course he did absolutely nothing when Bush's and his reelection campaign used gays and lesbians (such as his beloved daughter) as a lure to get votes from hate-filled zealots. Even in the small area that makes up his "evolved" beliefs, he's a cynical sleaze bag.
You must be logged in to comment. Log in or connect with
