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Washingwood's New Theme Park: Romneyland

Posted: 04/30/2012 5:36 pm

Opening Day at Washingwood's first and only theme park may be less than year away, according to sources close to the author. I was able to "borrow" a copy of the visitor's guide and provide you a sneak peek!

Welcome to Romneyland!

Rides and Attractions

Pirates of the CarriBain -- "Yo-ho, Yo-ho, A tax-pirate's life for me!" You, the kids, and your suitcases full of cash and "investment funds" are in for the thrill of your financial life as your million-dollar, 1400 horse-power speed boat blows through the bayou at a pulse-pounding 140 mph! Destination? The Cayman Islands! Fireflies light the way -- but watch out for the shenanigans of Uncle Sam as he tries increase your marginal rate! You go, Corporate Raider! Hungry? Stop on your way back at the Bitch & Moan Bistro where you and your fellow "investors" scowl, bitch and moan about how much (wink-wink) income tax you all (wink-wink) pay! Have fun! It's all one big insider-trading joke! Afterward, make sure you and the kids have your picture taken with some of Romneyland's most delightful characters: Warren Buffett's secretary!

The Haunted Foreclosed Mansion -- Prepare yourself... if you dare! Enter this once happy homestead, this interior future playground of kids, grand kids, retirement and old-age... and watch out as The Sub-Prime Elevator which takes you slowly down to Toxic Mortgage Hell! Look in the Madness Mirror and see ghosts? That's you, after endless, often sleepless nights of stress and worry, self-medicating as The Bailout Bank forecloses on your hopes and dreams! Run! Not everyone in Romneyland deserves to own a home... or rent one...or live in... anything with a roof over it! It's not your problem! Run!!! Run to:

Ron-Paul-Ryan's Liberty Island -- 'Cuz It's just a hop, skip and a jump to Ron-Paul-Ryan's Liberty Island where everything's permitted and nothing's allowed. Stroll around the island with The Doctor himself and his merry band of Tea-Partiers! Re-live the hilarity of the GOP Presidential debates! Have yourself a good old-fashioned laugh as you and the kids yell "Let 'em die!" at our cast of "Trauma Patients with No Health Insurance" as they get turned away from our down-to-the-last-detail "Emergency Room." Hungry? Thirsty? Hot? Want some ice-cream and lemonade? Well, it's all unavailable at the Cut from the Budget Café. Yes, it's a living, breathing Lord of the Flies, every-man-for-himself, Ayn Rand world out there and it's time the young ones know it! And they will, because you can do whatever you want on Ron-Paul-Ryan's Liberty Island (except the icky stuff you can't do like control your reproductive rights or be within spitting distance of a gay marriage... but you don't want to do that stuff anyway, right?). Sure, it's a bit scary and confusing! But no worries! Because you're off the island and on your way to:

Mr. Founding Fathers Wild Ride -- Where you and the family jump aboard a zany Habeas Corpus Cart that'll zip you through room after room of unbelievably life-like Founding Fathers. What a treat as The Founders explain their intentions AS WE NOW KNOW THEM TO BE! Still perplexed? Here comes the unbelievably life-like Justice Scalia! He'll explain it all to your frightened children! Watch with pride as he firmly tells your family that the Founders never intended anything except your right to carry a concealed semi-automatic weapon! And if that doesn't do the trick, head to the Romneyland RevolvingTheater and watch the breath-taking, zany acrobatics of the Corporations Are People Dancers! After the show, the kids will be so clown-shit crazy, they'll buy just about anything! Corporations are people. People are lizards. Dogs are bagels. Up is down. Night is day... Hey, folks! It's all good! It's Mr. Founding Fathers Wild Ride!

Afterward, why not gently canoe down the canals of the Axis of Evil Global Village. See a country you don't like? Set your coordinates and pick it off! Yes, in Romneyland it's a small world and it's getting smaller!
Finally, wind up the day with a gentle stroll down Ghost Town Main Street. Check out the quaint shops. Hey! There's the butcher, the baker, and the candle-stick maker! And they're all standing outside their quaint shops which are all quaintly closed for business! Because it's Sunday? No, Sir! Because it's Romneyland!

 
 
 

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