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Steve Sheffey

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The New Republican Haggadah

Posted: 03/26/2012 2:45 pm

Jewish history is littered with sects, groups of people kind of like Jews who celebrate the same holidays and have many of the same customs, yet are somehow different.

Today's sect is known as "Jewish Republicans," few in number but very loud. Like most Jews, they celebrate Pesach, but they've got their own Haggadah. The differences between their Haggadah and ours are instructive.

After drinking the first cup of wine, most Jews wash their hands, but the Republicans stay seated and wait for the water to trickle down.

Most Jews then eat a green vegetable, but the Republican Haggadah follows the ruling of Rabbi Reagan that ketchup qualifies as a vegetable. Ketchup is not green, but green is the last thing any Republican would want to be. (Reagan does have this in common with Moses: Neither ever set foot in the land of Israel.)

Next we break the middle of the three matzot. Most Jews break the middle matzah into two roughly equal pieces, replacing the smaller piece on the Seder plate and hiding the larger piece as the afikoman. The Republican Haggadah asks the leader (or in Republican parlance, the Seder CEO) to keep 99 percent of the matzah for himself and let the other participants share the remaining 1 percent.

The Torah speaks of four sons, but the Republican Haggadah speaks of four candidates: The simple candidate (Santorum), the wicked candidate (Paul), the candidate who does not know how to answer (Romney), and the simple candidate who thinks he's the wise candidate (Gingrich). They have no wise candidates.

The highlight of the Republican Haggadah is its version of "Dayenu" -- "it would have been enough." The Republican motto when it comes to President Obama is "nothing is enough" -- no matter how much President Obama does for Israel, it's never enough for some of our Republican friends:

President Obama has called for the removal of Syrian President Assad.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama ordered the successful assassination of Osama bin Laden.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama has done more than any other president to stop Iran's illicit nuclear program.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama restored Israel's qualitative military edge after years of erosion under the Bush administration.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama increased security assistance to Israel to record levels.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama boycotted Durban II and Durban III.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama has taken U.S.-Israel military and intelligence cooperation to unprecedented levels.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama cast his only veto in the U.N. against the one-sided anti-Israel Security Council resolution.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama opposed the Goldstone Report.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama stood with Israel against the Gaza flotilla
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama organized a successful diplomatic crusade against the unilateral declaration of a Palestinian state.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama immediately intervened to rescue Israelis trapped in the Egyptian embassy.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama gave orders to give Israel "whatever it needs" to put out the Carmel fire.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama maintained the U.S. policy of ambiguity on Israel's nuclear weapons.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama has repeatedly condemned Palestinian incitement against Israel and attempts to delegitimize Israel.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

President Obama pulled out of joint exercises with Turkey after Turkey excluded Israel.
But that's not enough for our Republican friends.

There's probably nothing President Obama can do to convince some Republicans that he's pro-Israel. If President Obama split the Sea of Reeds and walked through it dry-shod, they'd accuse him of not being able to swim. They made their mind up before he was elected that he could not be trusted and they ignore everything that contradicts their biases.

The ultimate message of the real Haggadah is hope (sound familiar?). Let's hope that just as the vast majority of American Jews voted for Barack Obama in 2008, the vast majority of us will remember who we are and what we value and vote to re-elect President Obama in 2012.