02/11/2014 04:35 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016

Hey Homophobes! You Are So Gay.

"I don't think football is ready for [an openly gay player] just yet," said an NFL player personnel assistant (in Sports Illustrated, referring to Missouri defensive end, Michael Sam).

Hate to break to those of you who have such a deep seeded fear or hatred of gays and lesbians, because of their same-sex sexual preference...YOU ARE SO GAY!

How would you feel if people knew you had sex with someone of the same sex? Would it freak you out? You say that could never happen? What, that you had sex with someone of the same sex or that people would find out? Well, it did happen and now I'm going to let everyone know that you did. I don't have gaydar. It's just humans being human.

Follow me here. Is there anyone out there over the age of 13 who has not - I'll be as tactful as possible - pleasured themselves, sexually? No? Come on. It's just you and me here.

So, man or woman, are you not the same sex of the person you were/are having sex with?

Bam! If you're not gay you are certainly bi. Including the homophobes.

And as far as biblical demands for procreation...unless you hand emits eggs...

Anita Bryant said, "If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards...." Perhaps she was just admitting that she wanted to sleep with dogs.

When Kirk Cameron said that gay sex was "unnatural," was he unnatural when he locked the door to his room and had his way with himself?

Senator Michele Bachmann said, "If you're involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it's bondage. It is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement." My guess is that she actually felt bondage and enslavement (a little redundant, dontcha think?) when her fingers helped relieve her despair.

"It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a man's anus," said Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson. Tell me there weren't plenty of times he found a penis desirable enough.

There ya have it. If you hate gays because they're more fashionable, ice skate better or a have a terrific sense of superior hair products, I get it. If you hate gays because you don't think they belong in the football locker room because of same sex preference, you basically hate yourself.

Think I'm playing with words? No, you're just playing with yourself.

Steve Young is the heterosexual, except when his wife has a headache) award-winning television writer and author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" (

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