I Am So Hot For Dr. Laura

Dear Sort of Dr. Schlessinger,

For years I thought you were a jerk. Okay, you had a few "hot" pictures on the internet -- please don't click here and link onto this site where there are naked pictures of DL -- but you always remained to me, one of those, "yeah, just wait until she opens her mouth" turnoffs.

That is until this week.

That is when, on the Today Show and later on Hannity & Colmes, in reference to the Eliot Spitzer dalliances, you blamed wives for their husbands' behavior, saying that the wives of "most men who cheat" "haven't been respecting" their husbands.

Thank you, Doctor. Finally. Someone has had the guts to step up and defend why married guys like to have sex with hookers or anyone else who they're not married to.

While falling for you is a little like falling for Ann Coulter -- except without the Nazi paraphernalia -- I find it difficult to get you out of my mind. Your words not only rid me of my years of guilt that it was I who was doing something wrong, but now I can actually place the blame on the very person who used to read me the riot act every time I came home at four in the morning reeking of a stranger; a stranger who after finishing three minutes of wet, hot love, I could barely remember her made-up name.

Your words ring in my mind like the words of Howie Dansky, my best friend in six grade, when he told me the new Sears Catalog had just been delivered.

"When the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally, to make him feel like a man ... he's very susceptible to the charm of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days, women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give their men what they need."

I couldn't have said it better. I tried, but my wife wouldn't buy it from me. But from Dr. Laura, a conservative yet, wow, I'll be able to plug anything that walks. This time when my wife tries to shove the guilt down my throat, I'll be ready.

"My fault?! What are you nuts?! You're the one hasn't been respecting me. What was I supposed to do? Not have sex with a stranger? Then I'd just be disrespecting myself. I bet you'd like that."

So, what do you say, Doctor? Yesterday I'm pretty sure my wife wasn't thinking about what I need. Are you available tonight? Afterwards maybe you can come back to my house with me.

I can't wait until my wife hears that I'm not a scum bag.

Award-winning television writer and author of Great Failures of the Extremely Successful", (www.greatfailure.com), Steve Young's "All The News That's Fit To Spoof" appears in L.A. Daily News opeds every Sunday(www.dailynews.com/columnists) on the same page as O'Reilly's...really.

Comments

[PackyJ]

Thanks, Steve.

I'm calling both my ex-wives right now, just to tell them what disrespectful bitches they were.

[chendri887]

Just heard this pearl of wisdom on "Dr." Laura's radio show today. When a young man called to ask if he should end a relationship with an abusive girlfriend, and told "Dr." Laura he and the woman had a child, she opined, "Don't ever have sex with a woman you are not planning to marry. If you want to have sex with no strings attached, visit a prostitute. I'm serious, caller." Nice, "Dr." Laura. I mean, seriously. Way to go! Way to reinforce age-old gender stereotypes, increase STD rates, and make the United States more like the developing world, where prostitution is rampant, gender roles are rigid and entrenched, and domestic violence is a "silent" way of life.

[CraigR]

Hilarious, Steve! You are the best...

Has anyone else noticed that if you paint the good "Dr." Laura green, she is a twin of Jim Carrey's "Grinch" character?

[oldpotsmuggler]

God Steve, you're so old fashioned. Move to Utah, get a house full of wives (and most of the "sister wives" have jobs bringing numerous paychecks into the household) and do the bedroom bouce as often as you feel like. And it's all semi-legal.

[dissolvethecorporation]

You lasted three minutes?

D,
My watch was fast.
SY

[Obamamo]

Sorry I clicked on the link. lol!

[PenguinInBondage]

whatever happened to Dr. Laura? I thought she'd been relegated to the dustbin of history....part of the squabbles of the 90's that we dare not repeat. Like Mort Downey Jr., Wally George and soon John Gibson.
ugh, isn't there an nice island where they can all go to get their panties unbunched?

[Kenai]

For some reason, she still has a microphone. Too bad my wife doesn't buy into her horseshit.