07/21/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Secret Email Dick Cheney Doesn't Want You To See - CDC Testimony

From today's Sunday Oped pages of 2008-07-13-PhilaInqLogo.gif

WASHINGTON -- Seeking to play down the effects of global warming, in October of 2007, Vice President Dick Cheney's office pushed to delete from congressional testimony references about the consequences of climate change on public health, a former senior EPA official claimed Tuesday.

For Your Eyes Only

From the Desk of The Vice President...of the United States

Date: October, 2007

To: Center for Disease Control and Prevention

From: Darth

Subject: Public health consequences of climate change hoax

I've been going over the 14 pages - oops - 13 pages (note to self: don't sit so close to shredder) of your testimony and feel there are some small considerations we might want to address prior to your actual appearance before the committee.

I think you'll agree that the reference to "apocalyptic disaster" seems a bit over-dramatic, especially in an election year. Who knows just how apocalyptic any disaster will be? It's really very subjective and we certainly don't want the terrorists to think they've won. Let's err on the side of American optimism and call whatever the disaster might be something like, "Happy Days." And it wouldn't hurt to give a Fonzie, "ay-y-y," when you say it. (Note to self: See if Henry Winkler is still alive and bring him in for a photo-op with gang down at the CDC)

Also, the whole ramping up of respiratory traumas scenario seems a bit cart before the horse. After all, we're not doctors. Alright, some of you are, but it's not like a you've examined every single person out there. What seems like a shortness of breath and a severe wheezing cough to one person, sounds like a damn good orgasm to another. Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Again, just to be on the safe side, why don't we just pull the whole disease section out and if need be, replace it with pictures of baby seals, polar bears and a bunch of snazzy nature scenes. If anyone complains, remind them that each of those pictures are worth a thousand words, If they want to have the same amount of pages that the CDC originally came up with, tell them to use larger fonts.

Here's a few more thoughts...

- Speaking for myself, greenhouse gases are necessary for some of us to breathe. Can we find a scientist down at the CDC or the Heritage Foundation to back me up?

- Is there any way you can turn this thing into a solid reason to invade Iran?

- I just thought of something. Correct me if I'm wrong (just a phrase, not a directive), but didn't God create the dinosaurs that READ THE REST OF THE STORY HERE.

Award-winning TV writer and author, Steve Young blogs at the appropriately