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The President Wants A War with Bigger Tits

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While Fox New and the far-right Lords of Loud took aim at the important news in the Senate Hearings - namely Barbara Boxer telling Condaleezza Rice that either of them might not suffer through the war like someone with a kid over there would - they completely ignored what Rice suggested President Bush really had in mind.

Sending additional troops into Iraq is not intended as an escalation. Rather she would call it "an augmentation."

Augmentation. Now that made a hell of a lot more sense than sending more soldiers into a growing quagmire. And it's also something most guys would buy and women will understand. Not like, but have experiential familiarity with.

You see, sometimes, when a President hits the big 6-0 he has a life-changing itch. Past wars he's lived with tend to get boring. Maybe they put on a little weight. Perhaps they lose a bit of luster as the taut buttocks and breasts lose their battle with gravity. And while they wake up every morning next to the same old war (and war-horse), they are besieged by younger and more erogenous wars splashed across the pages of "Soldier of Fortune" or on Fox News, outfitted in those tight belly-baring tops and derriere-crack revealing shorts that the younger wars are wearing today.

Most shallow war-mongers would toss aside their old war like you toss out thousands of men and women who have died in a wrongheaded President's pursuit of a disastrous foreign policy. I mean, what lame duck President wouldn't rather have a trophy war to show to all his rich neocon friends? But President Bush isn't your run of the mill Republican skirt chaser. The man is loyal to his war. He doesn't leave a war just because it's gotten a little crusty around the edges or a few more hairs are showing on the upper lip. No, this president has refused to leave his longtime Iraqi war even though she now tends to put out a fetid odor she once held back during their pre-war courtingship. But since he does have the extra billions that for some reason don't affect the Federal budget, his thought is, why not spruce up the old battle and her ax?

That's why this president has chosen augmentation over ending his five-year relationship with the war in Iraq. With the president's strategy and poll numbers sagging down to just above its knees, pulling up the old bosom back up to its earlier and more supple days keeps both the president and his war nipples erect.

Certainly the President's approach is a more decent and honest approach than the Democrats who always promise withdrawal. Sure, and the check is in the mail..

Still, aging wars would be wise to make every effort to keep their relationship with those who brought them to the dance, because no matter what the President says, things could change tomorrow. Temptation could always raise its sensual head and looking into the next yard could entice even the most seemingly loyal suitor.

Afterall, tell me a war with Iran doesn't have an ass you could eat off of.

Steve Young is the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and his column appears in the LA Daily News Sunday Opinion page...to the left of O'Reilly's...really.