07/30/2009 07:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Why Glenn Beck Could Be Right

"(President Obama) has a deep-seated hatred for white people...this guy is, I believe, a racist."
Glenn Beck, Fox & Friends

Defenders of the president want to dismiss Glenn Beck as a witless douchbag. They say that the president cannot be a racist. How could he be? He had a white mother and grandmother. He'd have to hate his mother and grandmother.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Liberal Holier Than Thou. Did you ever think he that he could have hated his mother and grandmother? Tell me that there haven't been times that you hated your mother? Perhaps she didn't let you go out o play with your friends when you wanted or didn't let you have another slice of pizza. Pizza with extra cheese and sausage. I admit it's harder to hate your grandmother, but just for example's sake, let's say your grandmother was Ma Barker, or even worse, Adolph Hitler, wouldn't you hate her?

The president may be half white, but did you ever notice that he's also half - whisper with me - black. Perhaps the black half of Obama hates the white half. If nothing else, just the confusion of which side was white and which side was black could cause enough psychological and racial confusion to set off a bit of anxiety, which can get a person pretty pissed. Additionally, It's no secret that much of the the reason for success is location, location, location. And if you don't know exactly the location of each particular race in your own body, you have one strike against your potential success. Maybe even two strikes...and the pitcher who's ready to throw the next pich is Nolan Ryan, the all-time leader in strikeouts, who is white, and you're Phillies power hitter, Ryan Howard, who is fastly becoming one of the all time strike outers, who is black. Odds are you're going to strike baseball or life.

Now, which side are you going to take it out on? You had nothing to do with it the mixing of the races. And it certainly wasn't your black father who made you half white. It was your white mother. Tell me you wouldn't be looking at her with a "why I oughta..." twinge of anger. Anger at the white man...or white lady. Same thing, except for the genitals, which I might remind you are white in either sex of the white. Okay, more towards pinkish, but you've got to agree, pretty light.

You might ask why Obama wouldn't be pissed at the person who made him half-black? Well, if he did, he'd be considered an Uncle Tom. It's bad enough to be a racist, but an Uncle Tom AND a racist? Then most everyone ends up hating you. Except for Fox News and talk show audiences.

And if Obama is against Fox News and talk audiences where you'd need a microscope to find a black in the crowd, doesn't that prove he's against white people?

I rest my case.

Now, let me attempt to prove to you why Glenn Beck isn't a complete douchbag.

Award-winning white comedy TV writer Steve Young blogs at the appropriately named,