THE BLOG
01/17/2013 12:21 pm ET Updated Mar 19, 2013

GOP Leaders Criticize Obama on Tactical Nuclear Weapons

The New York Times, January 11, 2013, Page A1

Given the entrenched opposition from gun rights groups and their advocates on Capitol Hill, the White House is trying to avoid making its (the assault weapons ban) passage the sole definition of success and is emphasizing other new gun rules that could conceivably win bipartisan support and reduce gun deaths.

Seeking bipartisan support, President Obama today called for tighter controls on individual purchasing tactical nuclear weapons. The president asked Congress to approve a three-day waiting period prior to purchase, during which the individual would need to present evidence that he is not Iran or North Korea.

The NRA reacted immediately labeling this "an outrageous attempt by socialist Big Brother and to destroy American liberties."

"Tactical nuclear weapons don't kill people," NRA executive director Chris Cox stated. "People kill people. To be more specific, atheists, socialists, and pro-choice people kill people."

Cox asserted that most owners of tactical nuclear weapons today are hunters of Barosaurus, Tyrannosaurus, Achelousaurus and other extinct species of dinosaurs. "If you spot a Diplodocus, you want to have with you a tactical nuclear recoilless gun, such as an M29 Davy Crockett and plenty of M388 nuclear projectiles."

Leading Republicans also criticized the President's plan. "American citizens deserve the best defensive weapons available without a three day wait," Sen. John Cornyn (R-TX) announced. "Protecting impulse purchases of tactical nuclear weapons is why our Founding Fathers wrote the second amendment. Why Thomas Jefferson purchased, for his own use, three French Pluton missiles, each with 15 kiloton yields, in less than five minutes. You can find this fact in any American history book approved by the Texas State Board of Education"

"When American have to wait to purchase MGM-52 Lance missiles, then only waiters will have MGM-52 Lance missiles" Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL) warned. "Think about that. I would think about it myself if I could think."

"Are loyal Americans to be judged guilty until proven innocent?" Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ) asked. "If you have to prove you are not Iran and not North Korea, what is to stop Obama from making you prove you are not Mali, Mauritania, or Mexico?"

Unable to corral enough Republican votes, House Speaker John Boehner dropped his Plan B proposal to limit individual ownership of tactical nuclear weapons to an aggregate total destructive yield of 300 kilotons, abut half that of a Polaris A2 missile.

House majority leader Eric Cantor led the opposition to Plan B. "The only solution to bad guys with Polaris A2 missiles is good guys with Polaris with A2 Polaris missiles," Cantor stated. "The doctrine of mutually assured destruction (MAD) worked pretty well internationally. We won the cold war. We should try mutually assured destruction domestically. In fact, mutually assured destruction is precisely what House Republicans are doing today."

As Washington focuses on partisan debates, sales are spiking in the rest of the country as people rush to expand their nuclear arsenals in advance of any restrictions that might be imposed.

"If I had 6,000 M109A6 Paladins I could sell them in a week," said Jack Smith, an independent weapons dealer in Des Moines, referring to the popular self-propelled 155 mm howitzers with onboard navigational and automatic fire control systems, Kevlar-lined chassis and pressurized crew compartment to guard against ballistic, nuclear, biological, and chemical threats. The Paladin drew national attention after Anthony Phillips recently used one to obliterate Sioux City, Iowa and its 82,927 inhabitants.

In the face of overwhelming Republican opposition,the Obama administration may abandon tightening regulations on tactical nuclear weapons and focus on strategic nuclear weapons. Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-Boring) plans to introduce legislation mandating a a three-hour waiting period for individuals attempting to purchase more than three Peacekeeper (MX Missile) boasting 10 MIRV warheads each with a 300 kiloton yield.

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