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High Court Rules Corporations Have Right to Bear Arms

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American Corporations may soon deploy private Armies. Overturning multiple precedents, the Supreme Court ruled today that Corporations have "the right to bear arms and form militias."

The 5-to-4 decision followed last week's decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission that the first amendment applies to Corporations, and therefore the government cannot limit their political spending.

Writing for the majority Chief Justice Roberts opined, "If the first amendment applies to Corporations, surely the second amendment also applies. Since Corporations have no history of abusing their power, we expect that they will employ their private armies with restraint and discretion,"

The majority held the decision validated the founding father's basic principle -- that neither the government, nor the people, has the right to restrain Corporations. "This was their original intent, and if it wasn't, it should have been," Roberts continued.

In his opening statement during his nomination hearings Roberts stated "I have no agenda...My job is to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat." He claimed that his job had not changed. "My job is still to call balls and strikes. However, I have decided to give Corporations eighty-six strikes rather than three."

In a concurring opinion Justice Thomas wrote, "Because I was downloading porn when this case was argued I don't remember much, but I always vote with my friends--Scalia. Alito, Roberts, and Kennedy. We Catholics stick together."

In a blistering dissent Justice Stevens labeled the decision irrelevant to the case at hand, Clifford v. Seattle. "Clifford appealed a parking ticket on the grounds that the meter maid was overeducated. It had nothing to do with second amendment rights." For the majority Justice Scalia retorted, "Up yours, Johnny. We've got five votes and we will be here for decades. Deal with it."

It is not immediately clear how corporations will use their new powers. CEO Rex Tillerson promised that Exxon Mobil military forces would be used "only to counter terrorist threats against Exxon's pricing flexibility, Exxon's offshore drilling, and Exxon silencing of global warming alarmists."

CEO Lloyd Blankfein signaled that Goldman Sachs would outsource all military operations to Blackwater. "The average Goldman employee earned $498,000 in 2009. That is far too much for an ordinary soldier who risks only death."

Next week the court is expected to hold that audits of Corporations by the IRS, SEC, and other regulatory agencies constitute unreasonable search and seizure and are banned by the third amendment.