THE BLOG
03/04/2014 09:19 am ET Updated May 04, 2014

Russia, Please Keep Hacking

Once again I read that Russian hackers have broken into the Pentagon's and State Department's computer systems.

Why would anyone bother to do that?

Imagine the hacker being debriefed by Gen. Alexander Bortnikov, Director of the FSB (successor to the KGB).

Hacker: We have obtained the complete plans for the new Gerald R. Ford class aircraft carriers. We now could build one for $13 billion.

Bortnikov: You fool. $13 billion is what the Navy told Congress. It will actually cost $52 billion, four times that amount. We want the United States to build dozens of these. We can sink them with a set of drones purchased from Amazon with next day delivery for $78.95.

Hacker: We have also obtained complete working drawings for a $435 hammer and a $600 toilet seat.

Bortnikov: Take this man out and shoot him.

I doubt Russian hackers will do better with the State Department:

Hacker: We have hacked into State's top secret plans. If Russia invades western Ukraine the United States will unleash Operation Dither.

Bortnikov: What is Operation Dither.

Hacker: Obama will state that our actions are "objectionable" and "unacceptable." Further, he will warn us that if we invade any Latin American countries, he will invoke the Monroe Doctrine.

Bortnikov: Tass reported that four days ago. Take this man out and shoot him.

Let's hope Russia keeps hacking the Pentagon and State Department. If Russia wanted to cause real damage, they would tell their computer wizards to destroy the American software industry. Think of Microsoft trying to compete with software that actually worked. Surely the geniuses who hacked into the Pentagon and State Department could do better than Windows Mobile, Zune and Windows Vista.

Thank God, Putin and Bortnikov are unimaginative cold warriors.

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